I love you

I written several things in here trying to describe how I feel tonight but it all comes down to I love you more than you will ever understand. I would do absolutely anything for you.

Ummm, ouch

This weekend has been fun. Painful, but fun.

I entered the weekend carrying a hefty load of emotional pain that a long walk didn't clear away. I was determined to not spend my birthday weekend at home being all mopey. I went to the movies with a couple of friends, Nicholas Sparks movie for good measure.

Afterwards someone asked why I picked that movie. It's much easier to watch the perfect love story and realize it is just a story. Seeing a husband head over heels puppy dog in love after years together is hard.

Saturday I went roller skating. Or roller falling. My hands are bruised and the pain in my tailbone is keeping me awake. I am propped on my side realizing that every 2 hours might not be often enough to turn patients when they aren't comfy. I'm not comfy. I've said I'm not going to the doc for this because they can't do anything for it. Except maybe give me meds better than ibuprofen. I can't just not sleep but the knife going through my tailbone leaves me here awake and miserable.

Skating was still fun.

Science Fair

The science fair was today, I had originally thought it was tomorrow and getting everything done on time when I'd planned on doing it tonight was a challenge.  We did it though.  :-)  Done {until next year} I love science, I love doing science projects {hello bubbles and dry ice!} but I really, really, really dislike the science fair.

Originally Kaede wanted to make a heart that would beat and figure out how to fix her murmur.  I waited for that trend to pass while thinking of heart related projects we could do and cheered a little when she moved on to something else.  In the end we compared quality of color (brightness was our test) between kit dyed eggs and naturally dyed eggs.  My kitchen stunk to high heaven and no one wanted to eat the carrot, orange peel, lemon peel, cumin stew that was left over from trying to make a yellow egg but we are done.

It's walking weather again

Sometimes I sit here or on my bed with my journal and pens wishing that what I'm feeling could skip past my mind and end up on paper.  Today is one of those days.  Somewhere inside of me there is a lesson I need to remember, or one I am suppose to share but I don't know what it is and it's largely trapped inside making my heart ache and everything I say just feels like a huge whine that no one wants to listen to.

I've been on 3 walks today, typically about the point I get tired my mind stops racing and I come home feeling a little better, even if it's just temporarily.  Today was different.  I'm exhausted and my leg is throbbing and my mind is still making a continuous list of all the ways I will never be enough anything.  I'm coming to the conclusion that if there is something I am excited about or looking forward to I don't dare get excited -- it hurts less if you didn't count on something exciting before it all goes awry.

I have tomorrow night off and *whispers* no kids. Also, no plans.  It's my birthday weekend and I'm quickly realizing that while I want it to be fun and happy it really is just a painful reminder of the past.  I refuse to sit at home alone tomorrow, but I don't know what I'll do.  My favorite dinner place is actually a lunch place, I have no idea what is in the theaters and trying to plan something is just another thing to add onto my list.  I'm not even going to mention the stress Sunday night is causing.

On my walk I went up 150 W, where I use to walk every time because that's how far the walky talky would reach.  I passed houses of people who have made a huge impact on my life and who I am that I haven't talked with in forever.  If it hadn't been dinner time I may have stopped to visit but I don't think I could put words to "how are you" so I kept walking.  I snaked through the blocks looking for the house on one of the streets between the elementary school and high school that is always full of daffodils long before my bloom -- I couldn't find it.

I did find noises of spring though, kids were in a backyard laughing and having fun and the sound of a skateboard was soft in the background from the park at the school and someone had meat on the grill that smelled wonderful. I tried to smile inside at the sound and smells of my favorite time of year and I couldn't.

By this time I was hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and just let the flood of emotions run.  Feelings of inadequacy and frustration, trying to accept how everything was hitting all at once without sending myself spinning off.  The setting sun and evening chill biting at my cheeks had me turn towards home.

I hope today is an anomaly and that my walks are as therapeutic as they use to be, I think of all the frustrations I've left alone my route and hope that I've picked up -- it is still is there isn't it?  

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Your time on your lease is up at midnight.  I've noticed that you've been packing and not even around at all occasionally.  I think it's great that you've let Spring bring in her crocus blooms and started seeing tulip and daffodil greens as well as letting the robins in.  We would like to thank you for your service, for the snow you've left, for the bitter cold that will make us appreciate spring a little more than usual.

Now, please get out!!!  

I know how easy it is to want to show up just one more time and reminisce about the snowmen and sledding but more than any other year I will be ever so happy to see you in December and not before.

Graciously,
~Heather

CMS Pops Concert, Tales From The Street, Honors Band -- Oh My!

I could have titled this post "Kid Brags" but I didn't.  We've been busy around here, more so than I have video footage of but I have a feeling you don't care about seeing me sort laundry or scrub the toilet.  If you want the highlights you'll need to scroll to the end I posted these in chronological order not best to worst.

I have no video footage, but Charlet just got home from traveling with the Pep Band to the state basketball tournament.  I am glad she was able to go, glad she had fun and crazy happy to have her back home.  Missed her tons and not completely okay with all this growing up she's doing.  Did you know she's old enough in exactly 1 month to get her learner's permit?  eeek, make sure you park away from the streets!

First concert was the CMS Varsity Pops Concert at the middle school.  Michael and 30-ish other students who started out in JV band worked hard this year and exceeded expectations so they took the group of them and broke off another section teaching them the varsity songs.

Party Rock Anthem

Pirates of the Caribbean (this is their challenge piece)

Firework

Dynamite

Halo Theme

Les Mis

Saber Dance (Michael really didn't like the tuba part for this piece)

Bad

Crazy Train!

South's school play was this week too, week before spring break is nearly as bad as just before Christmas!  She was a Brainiac in Tales From The Street.  I only recorded her clip and due to some technical difficults {okay, operator difficulties} I don't even have all of it.  She's middle left with bouncy pigtails and black leggings.

Michael was invited to join the ICSD Honors band for middle school students {yes, I'm proud of him on so many levels, it's amazing to watch him get into something that goes so well and he succeeds at}  They met for the first time at 8 am this morning and worked until about 3:30 with a 5:30 call time for the concert.  They did amazing, even considering my bias and that this is the first time they've played together and really worked on the music.  Dr. Adam Lambert from SUU's music department headed it up.

Part 1 of 4  {yes, the video part is of the seats in front of us, it's better than super crazy way jiggly from trying to find a decent spot to record, normally I try to at least kind of get Michael in there somewhere but that wasn't an option this time}

Part 2 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Part 4 of 4 Pirates of the Caribbean (they stop talking at 3:25)  This is the same piece that they played at the Varsity Pops Concert.

Sunshine and good friends with a side of rambling thoughts

If only I could freeze today and hold onto it for when I get discouraged.  Weather was beautiful here and absolutely gorgeous in St George.  A quick leg check up turned into "hey, we can fix that now"  and for once their version of fixing involved less pain when I left than when I walked in.  He did deny me a complete vessel transplant though.  I started of my morning with a quick chat from someone who always makes me feel a little better about myself, got to see some more 3 West friends since I stopped by there to chat with one of my favorite people.  A slow walk around the block  with DiAnna before going to teach a full room of 12-14 year old boys about first aid was perfect.

Reality is my day isn't much different than normal, I had too much to do to get anything done around the house and very few things are crossed off my to do list and teenagers to deal with.  Visits with friends were short and sweet, nothing extremely out of the ordinary.  What is different?

Me.

Church on Sunday was great, one specific moment more so than the rest.  It turned an "I don't want to" into an "I can do this"  It's not unusual for that kind of day to be followed by some intense nights and pondering -- this was no exception and neither was the peace that always seems to follow.  I'm going to do the things that will keep that peace the longest.  Do my best to preserve today for as long as possible.

I know things will seem hard again and I'll have times that I'm scared and confused and begging for an instruction manual with specific directions for me but I can get through.  I told a student nurse a few weeks ago after a relatively straight forward procedure went awry that when things aren't perfect and things don't go as planned is when you learn the most valuable lessons.  The mistakes you make from forgetting a tegaderm for the IV you just started to medication errors can teach a lesson better than anything else if you let it.  Mistakes will happen, no one wants them to and sometimes it isn't so much a mistake as things just didn't go as planned.  It wasn't until last night I realized that life is the same way we all make mistakes and you can either learn and grow from it and not make the same mistake again and perhaps even be able to apply it to other areas or you can ignore it, not care, or pretend that it didn't happen.

If you think this post is about you, chances are you are right

When I made the decision to get a divorce it wasn't something I took lightly and came with an enormous amount of conflict, prayer and fasting.  Followed by the feeling of having failed all of which was painted on a canvas of peace.  I have no other way to describe how I felt at the time.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my marriage was over and in reality had been for a long time with me clutching onto the last string of hope that things would get better.  There was a stilling peace behind all of the fears and uncertainty that faced me every day.

There have been a few occasions since then when I have been in a position to get to know people who were in a similar position at one time, some behind me on our long road and others ahead of  me.  I learned a fair amount of things I didn't want to do, attitudes I wanted to have, examples I wanted to set.  I don't know that I always met my goal and I certainly didn't always do it with my chin up and smiling.

There are a few stories that if they were to end at the point I heard about them would have sad endings.  I don't know what the rest of the story was for any of them, but as I sat and thought about the similarities and differences in our lives it always came down to the difference in support systems.

Amazing friends, Visiting Teachers, Home Teachers, Bishops and Relief Society presidents who never once told me what choices I should make but that I knew they would be there for me.  From a well timed phone call when I needed it, to a friendly smile that I knew they cared how I was doing even though I didn't feel strong enough to put into words how I was doing my support group while not large in number was strong enough to move mountains and even more impressive, keep me upright.  I also had a large group of friends offering me virtual support from pretty much everywhere.  I never realized that {{{hug}}} could have as much love and support with it as a physical hug, but they can.

At a fairly vulnerable time for me they changed ward boundaries and nearly all of my closest support system was on the wrong side of the boundary line and I was crushed.  I knew it was coming, I realized it would be hard but I remember sitting that first Sunday and looking around.  I knew our new Bishop from Trek and one of the counselors was in the old 2nd ward.  Scanning around the congregation from where I sat I could only see the family across the street that I knew.  Others were there, I'd seen them walk in but I sat there in that crowded chapel feeling completely alone.  I use to have people who would come sit by me when I didn't have the kids with me -- they were gone, and that small act had meant so much to me.  The next week in Sunday School my seat was taken.  My entire area of seats in fact and once again I looked for friends who were no longer there.  There began my feeling invisible.  I had no idea who my visiting teachers were, or if maybe I'd been left off of someone's list.  I still don't know who my home teachers were for that first year.

I was very grateful for trek, I'd been assigned to my new Bishop's "family" for meals and sleeping.  Everything else I was making sure that blisters were cared for, kids were hydrated, and twisted ankles were wrapped and being iced.  I had almost no time to help cook or set up camp, but there was always food for me, my bedding was laid out at night, and a seat saved if I had the opportunity to listen to one of the firesides.  I had no idea how important the trust would become in just a few months.

For the most part my support system has changed faces and perhaps very appropriately, the things I need now  are vastly different than the things I needed early on.  I am very grateful for all of my friends and family, sometimes it was just a sincere smile on a bad day or laughing at a sarcastic comment I made that kept me going. I don't know that I will ever be able to pay it forward for all of the things that held me up and kept me moving forward, but I have a full life ahead of me to try.

Late Entry:

I walked into the chapel today and my bench was taken. Kids are with their Dad and its not like I need a long row to myself. I scanned the congregation trying to decide where to sit when I thought back on this post. The chapel was filled with friendly faces I was happy to see. The last 18 months I've learned to trust and respect a new group that I call friends.

Dynamite!

The spring concert at CMS is my second favorite on my fun meter. They play some fun more current songs. Tonight's playlist consisted of Firework, Dynamite, Bad, and Crazy Train. Their challenge piece was from PotC.

One of the things that makes me happiest is watching the kids do something they have worked hard at and are proud of, for Charlet and Michael band concerts fit there. Michael has really found his place with the tuba. There was a group in the JV/concert band class that exceeded expectations for that level so they moved them up to Varsity Band. Yup, I'm proud.

Michael is also doing Honors Band next Saturday which mostly consists of 8th. Grade symphonic band students. I haven't seen the level of excitement out of him even on Christmas morning.

He's growing in so many ways, he is nearly as tall as I am and watching him last night he was less fidgety and wiggly than I've ever seen him and he asked to play baseball this year. We'll see how it goes, if nothing else everyone who keeps telling me to put a ball in his hands can in the words of Alice, "put a sock in it"

I have videos of all of the songs, just trying to find the best way to share them for people who weren't there. If you want to go to a concert the Honors Band has one next Saturday, ask me about time and place.

:-) Really I don't know what to title this other than with a smile

One of things I manage to have mastered Mom Guilt over is food.  While entering survival mode this winter and trying to keep my head above water nutrition has turned to food and success was all too often "no one is hungry"  It's not that my schedule is lightening up any or I've suddenly found a wonderful chunk of time to spend in the kitchen but I have set into motion freezer meals.

I bought the Once-A-Month-Cooking book years ago {I think I was still in school} and it seemed complex, time consuming {only for one day, but when you are working, have 3 kids in activities and in a BSN program you don't have a full day -- ever} and to be honest I never even tried it.  I wanted to join a group who already did it, had the kinks worked out and didn't require me thinking and planning.  If you wanted to do all of their meals they have it broken down very nicely but some of the recipes didn't sound like anything I was interested in but not doing that recipe for a few different ones would really throw off how streamline they made it.  Onto the bookshelf it went with a sigh full of wishes.

Now I have less time over all, but the kids are older and don't need constant supervision and best of all I get time without much else scheduled in a chunk.

Toss into the mix the realization that I need to pull myself out of survival mode and do something and I had the idea of getting together with a friend and doing freezer meals.  I have the downstairs kitchen, there is a plethora of recipes on Pinterest for freezer crockpot meals which don't require any pre-cooking and we're good to go.  I've pulled out my stash of cookbooks to see what I can come up with, have been pinning like crazy and I am going to go spend tomorrow afternoon with Maria to plan this out.  I hope it goes well, or what doesn't go well has an easy fix and next time we'll invite some other friends who are interested.

I also pulled out my Make-A-Mix cookbook.  Yes, too much for one day, but there's the week after that right?  I'm amazed at how much I find myself smiling today just because.  I've been more patient, happier, enjoyed the sunshine a little more {it doesn't hurt that I was up before the sun was close to setting!}

Since I have an empty recipe section sitting up at the top I will post what we do, the recipes and any helpful hints we find.  We may even come across a few don'ts but I always learn more from the mistakes anyways.  Time to go switch laundry around and curl up with an episode of Criminal Minds and cookbooks.  Feel free to share your successes and/or failures if you've done this before.

But you don't have to be

It's SEP/CCR week. Yay?!? Something else not geared towards single parents that work nights. South has always been great about trying to work with my schedule, it's just that there is no good time for me.

That wasn't my point though.

Kaede mentioned the organization {or lack of} and said "I'm just messy". Her teacher replied, but you don't have to be.

How many things about me do I wish were different that I just accept as part of me that don't have to be? Humans are adaptable, we don't have to be anything that we don't want to be. Small changes, one step at a time. If Kaede can keep her desk clean maybe there is some hope for change in me too.

I made it!

We've been slow at work for about a month.  Slow at work leads to lots of on call hours and a small paycheck so when the opportunity comes to pick up a shift for someone who is sick you say yes.  Someone needs ER coverage so they can go to a funeral?  Yes, I'd love to!  Volunteer to work the floor during Alice's funeral so that others can go?  Seems like the perfect What Would Alice Do thing to do.

Who knew that we'd get slammed this week and be full more often than not?  Not me for sure.

Halfway through the week I knew I wasn't going to be on call for any of my shifts.  Covering for Alice was pretty much a guarantee, you don't get called off in the ER, and I was already looking for help the next night and there was no way enough patients were going to discharge that we would only need one RN.  The reality of the schedule that crept into my weekend off was overwhelming and I thought that there is no way I can make it through this week.  The list of {Very Important Things That Must Be Done} kept creeping into my mind.  People would ask why I have so many shifts?  Well, because the week before I nearly only had 6 hours for the entire week and I had no idea even on Monday morning when I left the hospital that we'd get as busy as we did.  I didn't want to give anything up -- and it's not like I could have anyways, except for possibly working for Alice but in my mind that is what I was doing.  Working for Alice.  I wasn't working for Darcy so she could go to Alice's funeral.  OT was approved for Saturday's ER shift and finding last minute help because I said yes wasn't going to happen and I wasn't even going to try.  I didn't say yes, but only if I end up on call and really needing the hours.

I had no idea how I'd get through the week but I also knew I didn't have an option.  By Wednesday I knew I'd be getting all of those hours.

Now it's Monday which means it's a new week, and I'm here which means I made it.  Looking back each long shift was worth it, I cared for some great patients, saw some friends I haven't worked with a long time, fell asleep tired knowing I'd done my best. My house is a mess my laundry piles have exploded everywhere and I don't know how many loads of dishes I'm behind.  I made it though, even with a smile on my face at the end.

How much is that like life?  I knew very well when the end of my week was and time frame for getting a break {or the time to catch up on everything I let fall behind on} I use to think that when I graduated from high school then life would be easier {go ahead, laugh} or when I was a parent and was 'the boss' then life would be easy.  Since then I realize that life is hard, sometimes harder than others and hoping I can make it through to a time that isn't as hard and I have a moment to catch my breath.  In life I don't know when next week will be, it seems like each milestone brings with it a new set of challenges without giving me a chance for a breath.

I hope that when I reach it I can look back and think "wow, I remember thinking I'd never finish.  Never make it through.  I didn't think I could do it -- but look I did it!  It was hard but every trial every rock to climb over or around gave me a new perspective or a greater understanding.  Look at how much I gained."  If I find myself smiling as I reflect back even better.

For now, I'm pulling up my skirt and marching forward one step at a time.