Progress

Most of the time I'm "ok" back wise. I can't sit for long, cough, or laugh without pain. I just told my Mom I'd raster die a thousand deaths than sneeze again. In the mornings I feel like I'm 90 I have no idea how girls camp happened. 

I hate mornings more than usual because every move has to be planned and calculated, today I'm a little extra sore than normal so I made a progress list. I can now use the bathroom upstairs where I use to have to go downstairs so I had the counter to help me lower myself down. I don't sleep through the night, but I haven't been up out of bed pacing away the pain since the week of camp. By early afternoon I feel mostly normal, as long as I don't have to sit. 

How much of our spiritual progress is similar? Small, perhaps barely noticeable steps of strength and improvement when all we want is things to be perfect, now, not later. 

I have to hobble around and get the front room presentable, visiting teachers are coming by and it's the dreaded Wednesday with the addition of weed pulling at Gromps' while the ground is soft from the rain we've received. 

~H

Have You Done Any Good?

I'm sitting here on the first day of school that I don't have to be at the hospital thinking back over the summer and to yesterday. Friends and acquaintances would ask "how are you doing?" and it's a hard question to answer. How is my back?  Well, I'm pacing the halls instead of sitting in class and it hurts worse than anything I've experienced -- only not a ten because tens should be saved. How are the kids?  Again, a complicated answer leading into the struggle we've had getting him registered at all and we're there but with Spanish instead of German, no Seminary etc. and no I'm not ready for them to go back. Haven't bought -- anything and still so many things to do (Toquerville Falls!)

For the ones who know me best who "how are you?" means how am I doing, I'm great. A smile has not only found my face but my heart. Bad days are few and even then I know at the end I have someone special who will likely ride in to town to make me forget all about my bad day. 

I'm sitting here thinking of my Hard Things days when I didn't want morning to come because that meant more Hard Things. I didn't get here alone, I prayed on hard days, asked for a Priesthood blessing on the impossible days and have cried on shoulders for what felt like forever.   It seems like it's my turn to pay it back with not much I can actually do, but there should be a way I can be an answer to someone's prayer, right?

I will try to call Mary in a bit, it's not much but it's something, something Bonnie would have already done. Oh how I wish I could have one last talk with her to let her know that I'm going to be okay. That last conversation she wouldn't talk about anything but hoping I'd be okay. Maybe this post is for her?  I doubt she has much time in heaven to read blog posts, but just in case, Bonnie I am doing great -- your friendship is a huge part of that. I love you and miss you. Don't worry I will go call Mary right now. 

Sunflower from the spilled bird seed

Tour of Utah 2014 -- Stage One: Cedar City!!!

I don't know why I enjoy this as much as I do, but I love TOU stuff.  Maybe because the last two years I've just had to walk down the street to enjoy it, maybe because this year the older two played in the band for it?  Maybe because it's just really cool?  Anyways, picture overload time.

Kids at the band, Michael had a blast and Charlet thought it was pretty cool to be so close to the riders being in the front row.  She was less excited about the following photo opportunity though.

The beautiful red-head is one of Charlet's friends, I got a better picture of her than I did Charlet.  Oh well, they both impressed me at Girls Camp...

Bazilion and three rider pictures at the finish going down 200 South.  It's crazy to me how fast and how close they ride to each other.  I keep waiting for some kind of human dominoes to start but it hasn't yet.  I took pictures each lap around and I don't know which ones are which.  They are riders on bikes, that's good enough for me.

Girls Camp 2014

Beginning of last week I could have easily broken into tears. I am the assistant camp director. You know, the one who just does stuff and knows that the totally awesome real camp director (aka Alisha) has all the i's dotted and t's crossed. Turns out she landed a job where she's going to be an awesome post-partum RN to some lucky Momma's in Vegas and her job starts the week before camp. 

I was sad to lose a friend, especially before camp, but I've done Hard Things before, right?  So I go about list making, from groceries to delegating to...wait, my back went out!  Did I mention I'm also the camp nurse and can barely move?  I couldn't imagine how, but I knew I needed to be at camp (partly because our girls couldn't go without any leaders) and partly because it just felt right that I was there.  I've done Hard Things before--I have "Hard Things" down. 

All of this boiled down to an overwhelmed exhausted hurting girl last Monday. My plan to not haul the trailer failed, then we had issues with lights, then, then, then...I wanted to sit and cry but didn't have time and doubted my ability to get back up if I did. So I changed my perspective and looked at it like Christmas Eve. Nothing is ever completely done, no matter how much or little you've done but December 25 comes along and some kind of magic takes over. Family, the money tree, and Christmas magic everywhere. I said a little prayer that there was such a thig as Girls Camp magic and believed in it with my whole being. 

Monday afternoon looked a little like this. 

See my family ever so carefully packing the trailer?  Remember that trailer...

We load up everyone's pillows, sleeping bags, bedding, grub box in The Beast, camp "stuff" and YCL's, Jordon's and mine totes. Food, crafts, last minute inside craft things, mosquito netting and a tent/cot just in case these bunks and my back didn't get along. Really, who wouldn't love sleeping there?

Off we go (photo courtesy of Jordon) with me still believing in Girls Camp magic. In all the years I've been at camp for some reason or another I've never been in charge. You can't tell but it's pouring in this picture -- please let there be magic. 

We go happily on our way, girls talking about anything and everything. We reach camp (still raining) and start up a steep hill and the trailer is open as in stuff falling out open. Without me knowing. Stuff like random ingredients, the spare tire, 1/2 of the craft stuff, ranch dressing, the list goes on and the door has been open a while Camp Magic? pshaw!

Guess what? Camp Magic does exist. With the exception of the spare tire nothing vital was lost and apparently I'm not suppose to feel bad about the tire. We made due, ward lunches were worth the time and energy, the YCL's absolutely shined as examples to the younger girls and had patience I've never seen from 16-17 year old girls before. Size wise we were teeny and were blown away at most of the games but if challenge points were awarded for work done we'd have won. While finishing up camp our tiny ward was the one to send girls to help clean up the amphitheater, kitchen, and pavilion.  In work ethic, we shined.

There is also an amazing spirit at Girls Camp.  I sit and reflect on what has gotten me through so many of my Hard Things and it comes back to Girls Camp and Seminary -- and that mustard seed of faith. I wish every parent of our girls who ever wondered if they were doing anything right ( who doesn't at times?) could experience Girls Camp. Your girls testimonies are strong, their character amazing, their trials are many and just like clean up and prep duties they are shouldering them well. 

Stress, freak outs, lost tires, and worries aside I'd go again in a heart beat. I love our little Young Women's group, their faith, their honest, their humor, their snipe hunting abilities and willingness to get bitten just to show the younger girls what a snipe is. I also learned to se the humor in hashtags instead of just being annoyed. 

Be proud of our youth, they are amazing and yes Camp Magic exists. 

Xtreme Crochet

It takes a unique talent to injure your spine while crocheting, but I happen to be just that talented. I did a pretty good job of it too, like who knows when I can go back to work sorta good.  It hurts to breath deep (extra pressure) lay down, cough, sneeze, hiccup, stand up, sit down and laugh. Laughing hurts a lot. I love to laugh and that pain is only trumped by the pain of trying not to laugh which is funny on its own. My "position of comfort" is walking at snail pace but that's not a sleeping position and I'm exhausted with a side of grumpy.

I'm not completely changing topics, I promise they tie in together. I've been dating someone since May.  Initially I enjoyed seeing him when I'd put enough time and energy into getting ready. I still want to be my very best me, but I'm thrilled when he comes to see me at work even though my navy blue scrubs, no to little make up and ponytailed hair is far from the best me but I don't care. 

After all it's not like he's coming over when I've been in pj's all day, hair not done and a pained look on my face. Oh, except for he has and perhaps more than any other time I felt loved. He came right after work (when I'm certain he'd rather be home resting from a busy few days) because I asked for a blessing. While he was here he did some 'honey do' things I would be not even be able to try. He walked with me, snails pace at best, warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. 

I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to be fussed over and have a shoulder to cry on when bad days hit. As much as all of the best dates and long talks mean to me, this afternoon means so much more. 

❤️ ~H

P.S. I'd be fine if this was the lesson I needed to learn and tomorrow woke up feeling 100% or even 50%. Not counting on it but it would be nice. 

The Art of Doing Nothing

I think back about five years ago having a homework assignment to "just be". Find a grassy spot or somewhere comfortable and just let everything go. It took me a long time to manage it for just a few minutes and it seems to have a fine line between the art of doing nothing and lazy.

In my mind, if there is stuff to be done (you know, The List) then it needs to be done and other things like doing nothing have to wait until the doing stuff list is empty. Reality is that The List will never be empty and there are always important things to be done. Doing nothing couldn't wait much longer though. 

Today I may have perfected the art of doing nothing. I feel recharged, connected to family and friends, and energized (not in the caffiene OD sort of energized though) my heart is happy and there is a smile on my face. What did I do to get all that?  Nothing, absolutely nothing. We closed ICU in time to see the parade so my little work jaunt doesn't count for much. Not a single thing on The List was marked off though. 

I've spent more time this summer watching sunsets, stargazing, and listening to muddy waterfalls than ever before. Doing nothing has been amazing for well being, as well as having a friend who is perfectly fine doing nothing with me. I challenge you to go and do nothing for a few minutes. Mentally running through or adding to The List isn't allowed, stressing about whatever needs to wait either. Please, go forth and do nothing. 

How do you see yourself?

I'm not the first and likely not the last person to write about this.  I will likely have to hear it more often before I actually get it more than temporarily.

I'm not beautiful, pretty or cute.  I come to terms with this mostly avoiding mirrors and such until I see pictures of me.  Being the one behind the camera it's easy to not be in many pictures, that might be one of my favorite parts of being behind the camera.  Couple this with the idea that pictures should be very, very close to perfect to be kept from my really into photography days and it's like I have some kind of photogdysmorphic problem. Yes, I made that up. The problem isn't though.  I have thousands of pictures of flowers, kids, skyscapes, landscapes, sunsets, textures, motel signs, street signs, etc. I like to document my life as I see it, capture the beauty I am able to see around me from simple footbridges to majestic sunsets.

footbridge on the way to The Big Tree

My beautiful Mom hates pictures of herself.  She is most likely to goof off and pull some of her famous funny faces in front of the camera instead of letting us capture her as she normally is.  I'm okay with that, she has an amazing talent of making people laugh and pulling faces.  Her face is beautiful though, see. How can you not love her?

Mom at the cabin for her birthday dinner 2014

Isn't she amazing?  She hasn't seen this picture yet but I'm sure she'd pick it apart.  She's not happy with her hair right now and, and, and.  There is always a list of ands.  I'm very well acquainted with them myself.  The old photographer me wouldn't have hung onto this picture, or taken it in the first place.  Those cars?  Too distracting?  The focus and framing?  Off because the kids took this picture and I had to crop it way down to get it to follow the rule of thirds.  Who wants such a flawed picture?  Well, I do.  It's how Michael sees his Grandma.  A wonderful, happy woman with a bright smile and a delicious cake on her lap you can't see.  This picture is us, family gathered together to celebrate a wonderful woman that has cheered most of us on to get us to where we are now.

This same trip, with both Charlet and Michael having the camera there are pictures of me.  Pictures I don't like and ones I wanted to delete.

Me, at Grandpa's Cabin for Mom's birthday 2014

My cheeks are chubby, I don't have any make up on and my hair had a mind of it's own including visible fuzziness and I don't like the way the shirt makes me look. and, and, and.  I have a hard time seeing anything good in the picture, including flaws and imperfections that aren't visible.  I can see the looming to do list that I never seem to finish, the stress, the inability to be enough of anything for anyone on my own. Who needs a visible reminder of that?  Not me!

I've read, and agreed with, articles talking about the importance of not waiting until the weight is lost or whatever goal it is that is keeping you from wanting to be in pictures because pictures are important.  They show the relationship between a young mother (who may still have some extra weight) and a toddler, the beautiful Grandmother being sung Happy Birthday surrounded by her kids, grandkids, and a great grandbaby who all think she's the greatest ever (of course that's because she really is)

I've adjusted ever so slightly and will consent to pictures like this one because Grant is cute enough to make up for what I'm lacking. Isn't his little mohawk the cutest thing ever?  I adore him and so I keep the picture.

Grant and me at Grandpa's Cabin 2014

I also am a fan of the picture of me that really isn't a picture of a person.  Feet at the beach (I'll take one when I'm at the beach, if I ever get there) or something that shows a part of me, perhaps an insight into my personality without actually being a picture of me. It's me, that's my hand and it's a picture I treasure without having to deal with an awkward smile, hair fuzzies, or lack of pristine make up (or any make up at all this trip!)

As I look at the pictures from this trip, most of which I didn't take it's a little easier to look past the soft focus, missing catch lights, busy backgrounds, and other flaws because each picture captures a part of what going to the cabin is.  Spending time at the cabin with family is amazing.  Fun, stories, games, laughter and love -- if you don't want to be part of that then you can go somewhere else.  One of my favorite pictures is horrifically flawed.  Two teens trying to a selfie in low light with a DSLR but with flash turned off and who knows where the focus or focal length was.  I love it, it shows the relationship that these two have been building up between them. Thumbnail size it's just fine!

Charlet and Michael weekend of Grandma's birthday party 2014

I'm keeping the soft focus, low light, technically flawed pictures and I'm taking a breath and not deleting the pictures of me where I see nothing but imperfections because 100 years from now I don't want someone to be looking at my pictures and assume my children are motherless because I was too picky over something as silly as a photograph. I may not be beautiful but I hope when my kids see pictures of me that are able to realize how much I love them and that they are the center of my entire world forever and always even with fly away hair, no make up, and unrested eyes.

Blogging

I blog because I like to write.  I blog for me and no one else, the only promoting I do is sharing some of the posts on Facebook.  Writing lets me think through and say things that I can't think of in the moment.  Sarcastic comments are almost always on the tip of my tongue, and so is the ability to depreciate a compliment.  I'm working on the compliments, but I've only gotten so far as saying "thank you" and there are times that I want to say more but I feel lost and for once all my words leave me.

I also love to read blogs.  Friends, strangers, local people I don't know really well, artists, medical folk, mommy blogs, cooking blogs, photography blogs -- it really doesn't matter I will read and enjoy a variety of blogs.  When people have topical blogs it makes me wonder how they do it though.  I know people spend more time than I do on their blogging habits from designing to beautiful photography and multiple drafts of entries where mine is more of a mind purge into a quickly thrown together spot on the internet but to have several posts per week on highly defined topics is crazy.  Food blog?  Okay, we'll discuss recipes and pictures of beautiful food, maybe even a gone wrong section but how many days can you do that?  Pictures, editing, multiple drafts and all?  Same with whatever topic the blog may be on.  So, from me you are going to continue to get a mish mash of random stuff written in train of thought style.  If I get my blog prettied up, it will have topics for things I like blogging about but it's still going to be a fairly eclectic collection.

Happy Father's Day

I hope that today is a great day for everyone, yet I know it won't be. Today will sting for the Mom's doing double duty and I'm not just talking about single Moms. Military moms, moms who are married to the father of her children but he isn't very involved, wife who's spouse is ill or disabled and many other situations I'm unaware of may not love this day quite as much as others. There are those who long to be fathers but can't or haven't yet, fathers who have lost a son, fathers trying hard to improve strained relationships, fathers who take time today to make a list of every perceived mistake. To everyone who fits in that category, be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

Last night as I worked on a special project I was thinking about the fathers in my life and how not one of them is the greatest dad, but how most of them are the greatest dad for their children. I have known some not so great dads but all of the ones I've known and talked with have kept trying with varying degrees of success. It might not be a Hallmark plot line but seeing a guy working to be the best dad he can warms my heart — even if the rest of the situation is sad or strained. 

Dad Thanksgiving 20??

To my own Dad who probably won't see this, thanks for teaching me patience in frustrating situations, showing me what unconditional love and support are, teaching me how to roof, drywall, run electrical, plus more things than I should list and for always having my back. I love you and you are the greatest dad I could ever ask for and I hope you have an amazing day. 

To the boys, thanks for being my brothers. Being there to answer my questions, shoulders to cry on, advise givers and antagonists for as long as I can remember has been wonderful. This little (non-spoiled) sister is grateful to be able to look up to you. 

To the guys in the ward who have helped be an example to my kids from showing them how to work and serve to building pinewood derby cars and early morning cross country runs thank you for filling a gap no one else could. 

It would be glaring obvious if I didn't mention my kids' dad but finding the right words is difficult, so the condensed version is what you get. Thanks for giving me three wonderful children, without them my life wouldn't be complete. 

Happy Father's Day everyone. 

Perfect Summer

Tonight was opening ceremonies for Utah Summer Games and once again I sat enjoying summer thinking that this has been the perfect summer. The kind written about in novels and portrayed in movies. I spent some time holding hands I used the peaceful quiet as an opportunity to think backwards and analyze if this was my perfect summer. As a child summers were fine, but just marched off time. I never knew what Hard Things were nor had it ever really crossed my mind leaving me unaware of the value in boring mid-summer days.

Somewhere along with adult responsibilities showing up summer fun went running away, caught up in the doll drum of routine life and stress and was nothing more than a tick marking passing time.   I did fun things, many of them but I rarely enjoyed any of them. 

This summer I've spent hours watching the water run over rocks, the moon rising, the sun glistening off the lake. For once time seems to have slowed down and the view from the slow side roads has been beautiful with wild flowers, beautiful skyscapes, and smell of grass in the air. I would love to freeze this summer forever and I'm grateful for the summers full of Hard Things, tears, and deep sorrow to give me the perspective to love every summer evening this year and cherish it for the beauty in each warm breeze. 

Flowers from my yard

Summer Bucket List

List of things I want and/or need to accomplish this summer, in no particular order.

•Enjoy all the good about summer. Late nights, gorgeous evenings, flowers, sun on my face. 

•Paint the house

•Wildflower festival at Cedar Breaks

•Star party at Cedar Breaks (anyone know how busy those are?)

•Feed the ducks at Parowan's duck pond

•Kayaking 

•Family and friend party

•Hike to Big Tree

Cedar Breaks overlook after snow storm

What is on your bucket list?

Weekends

For years weekends usually consist of either work or lists of things that must be done. Once in a while something fun will come up last minute but rarely do I look forward to weekends in general.

Times change, my perspectives have changed, and I'm finding myself looking forward to weekends, even working weekends. I think it's been since high school when I'd look forward to weekends just for the sake of it being the weekend. 

Lonely?

I know fully well that lonely can be so intense it physically hurts. Surprisingly my loneliest times have been when something positive happens and it seems silly to bother anyone over little things, or when there is an a-ha moment you want to talk about but the best you can do is to blog about it. The hard times I've had caring shoulders to cry on, swing conversations, and walks to share.

This past week I wondered how it is possible to have ever felt invisible. I have so many marvelous friends who do amazing things for us, even more than I realize I'm sure. It's like my family has their own cheerleading squad.