30 Days of Gratitude -- Priesthood

On my short list of Priesthood blessings that have moved me the most are a few I've been present for as an RN.  Something different happens when it's someone you only just met as a patient. It was that kind of day today.  I'm also grateful that oh so very soon there will be a Priesthood leader in my home again. If I take a moment to be quiet and still I can already tell a difference. 

Sorry no picture tonight, I'm exhausted and worn out -- plus I don't have one handy that will work. 

~Heather

30 Days of Gratitude -- Storms (weather and life)

We had our first snow storm of the year on Sunday and I was without power (and therefore heat) for nearly 24 hours. During daylight I enjoyed sitting by the fire cuddled up to Neil but as it started to get dark and crews were without an estimated repair time I worried and the novelty of hunkering down for the storm grew weary. 

The storms that bring us moisture are so necessary in this region.  They allow the fields and crops to grow, my flowers to bloom, and quench the thirsty earth. Often they are inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruin my hair, and cancel fun plans. Vital but not necessarily fun. 

Storms of life are similar. I'm at a point that I can sincerely say I'm grateful for the things I've learned through my storms and Hard Times. The storms were inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruined many cute hair days, and I've had to cancel many fun plans. Vital for me learn of my own strength, to grow my own testimony, to learn humility and perspective while drawing closer to Christ. Vital but decidedly not fun. 

~Heather

30 Days of Gratitude -- Diversity

As soon as I could leave work I bolted so that I could get to St George to check out decorations for the wedding so that I knew what I had to work with. We were meeting with Becky's cousin. 

A little background here. When it comes to parties, girls camp, gatherings of any nature I can quickly plan a menu and feed people well. If people are hungry it's their own doing/choice and I've found that well fed people are happy. I care significantly less about decorations, china patterns, etc. It's very hard for me to visualize the end outcome and I'd rather do all kinds of prep work than a difficult clean up. Here is where fancy paper plates and the like come into play and I'm okay with that. 

We walk into Heather's (no I'm not talking about my house) and there is a table set up with a silver tablecloth and blue charger, china set around etc. and it was so much more than okay. As we start talking they are putting things together and soon we have a mock-up of a beautiful table that is absolutely perfect and makes me smile. 

I may be able to feed people but this family can decorate and see the end picture from the beginning and they are so willing to help--they get the credit for everything beautiful that day. I'm grateful for the diversity in talents that is pulling this wedding together (many people are helping in many roles) and their willingness to help. 

Special thanks today to Becky, Heather, Monica, and Sharon. Oh and David for putting up with us. 

Yes I do have a picture but no I'm not sharing it yet, you'll have to either come or wait until after when I get around to posting pictures. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Warmth

A day late, but yesterday I was grateful for warmth that was as simple as a thermostat adjustment and heated more than the front room after Sundays power outage. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Testimony

It's not yet 10 am and I already have pictures (poor quality phone pics, but that's ok) for four days worth of gratitude. Maybe I can make it all the way through the month. 

Today I am grateful for the strength of my testimony in the Gospel. Like the candlelight I used this morning when the power was out it has given me the ability to see enough to have hope during my darkest times and Hard Things. The days I felt completely isolated and was certain that night had the ability to swallow me up without anyone noticing I knew that Christ was aware of me and understood in a way that only He can. My testimony got me through that night, then the next few weeks hour by hour and sometimes breath by breath. 

Like the candle light above, a testimony positioned properly can be magnified while one hidden and suffocated will die out. As a child my testimony mirrored my parents actions until it was strong enough to grow on it's own, I don't believe that scenario to be very unusual. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Everyday Heroes

For a short time I'd considered not doing 30 Days this year, but I've done it (with varying degrees of success and completion) through photography for the last 10 years.  It's given me better perspective and strength through some rough times. I don't need it this year the way I have others but it's a tradition I don't want to give up and it always refreshes my attitude of gratitude so I'm doing it again.  

I am grateful for everyday heroes. Not just the ones who stories are told about and recognized on the streets but the ones who come to my rescue on stressful busy days when I lock my keys in the car. The stranger who held the door open when I had arms full of toddlers and babies, a kind smile on a bad day. 

My definition of hero is someone who steps up when others don't and they leave the world a better place even if just for a moment. 

~Heather

p.s. I know I haven't updated in forever, but I'm getting married. Nov 21, yes of this year. I'm sure you'll be hearing details in posts to come. 

Quote Hunting

I've spent the last 40 minutes looking for a quote that I can't find.  If anyone knows it I'd love a reference for it. Meanwhile here is the background. 

My pain is getting worse, little things are stacking up on each other with little to no resting time. Last week at work was crazy, I only got lunch one day and the constant running was hard on my back --  especially my climbing over a feeding tube, vent hoses/wires going to the wall, under suction tubing and then stretching sideways. Last week was just the foundation for this week. Every day I have to be at the hospital between meetings, extra shifts, and picture day. Did I mention I'm hurting more? Almost like I'm back in July hurting. I have renters to move in, which means updating the lease that I've been putting off can't be put off any longer. The kittens had a crazy day today breaking the glass out of my favorite picture of Christ and my good mixing bowl. I woke up to glass everywhere upstairs. I can't neglect to mention the large and obvious chin zit because why should my skin cooperate with me?

I was around my favorite people today though. I'd rather have days (weeks?!?) like this with people I love around me than have a so called perfect day without them.  

Here's my quote on one of my pictures that warms my heart. The idea isn't mine and I've seen something recently that I can't find tonight. 

~H

Warm fuzzies

There is some online bickering tonight among some very real friends of mine. It makes me sad and my heart is feeling a little fragile tonight so I'm taking that extra sensitive and turning it to good. 

Thinking about this group of friends, they've walked me through weekly trips to Orem, twice/month to PCH, tests, procedures, evals, Early Intervention, and IEP fun. We have shared stories, tips on how to best get a stool sample of liquid stool from a diaper, campaigned for funding at Capitol Hill, laughed together and been a friend when things seem lonely and no one else really understands and the world seems lonely. I've cried over children who have passed away, cheered at milestones met years behind schedule and watched kids grow from babies in a stroller over video conferencing to going on trek last summer. It's an amazing group of amazing women and I would have been lost without them. So grateful for technology that keeps us connected. 

I'm similarly grateful for my ward. When they juggled us up I felt lost and invisible. I knew I wasn't, but my heart didn't. All of the people who checked up on me if I missed a Sunday or activity I'd typically be at were gone. I still miss them tons, but I have grown to love our ward. They don't just love and care about my kids in emotions, they use the action form. I can't begin to explain the depth of my appreciation for my ward family for all they do for us and the example they are.  

The weather lately has been beautiful. Amazing storms and gorgeous sunsets with golden leaves up the mountain. 

I have more, but it's late and tomorrow starts early.

~H

Discouraged? Overwhelmed? Frustrated?

I think most of us at sometime or another feel some version of "I'm not enough, I never will be enough and I'm too tired to keep trying."  Yesterday started that way for me. Nothing was different, but my life is anything but easy. I'm okay with that, I don't know anyone who has ever gotten anywhere by things being easy. It could be that Hard Things caught up with me, realizing that I will never be able to do it all. If my basement is clean, upstairs is messy. If laundry and dishes are done there is clutter everywhere. If weeds are pulled at the rental we are eating fast food for dinner. If I'm working everything else falls to pieces. I can't do it on my own and occasionally a black cloud of "I can't" finds it's way to me.

A small part of me wants to give into "I can't" and hide under the covers all day. A bigger part of me wants to figuratively run away into a novel or movie. There have been times that most of me wanted to literally run away. The first two have won in the past, but Reality is very patient waiting for me when I come out from underneath the covers, close the book, or credits roll. While it's been patient Reality has grown as if it feasts on my frustrations. 

Yesterday was different. I took a few minutes with I can't just so she wouldn't feel ignored and then I thought of the passage from Finding Happiness, Peace, and Joy by Richard G. Scott on page 102 where he talks about I Can't and her family of emotions not being from Christ. I took a deep breath watched Mountains To Climb and tried to kick I Can't out. It wasn't easy (see above) but knowing I had Gospel truths on my side made me more determined.

As I thought about how flawed and imperfect I am I realized that everyone is, we are all still here after all. I look at my role models and while I can't see their imperfections I know they aren't perfect either. They are still learning and growing too. They even have days where they are frustrated and overwhelmed.  It's okay that we aren't perfect, we aren't meant to be after all.  We are here to learn and to grow. 

To those who deal with I Can't on a daily basis, I wish I had words to make things easier for you. That I could jump insider your head and help fight the endless battle for you. Like A Broken Vessel from October 2013 General Conference by Jeffrey R Holland is one of the most hope filled things I have to offer. 

************
So, I've been sitting on this post for about a week waiting to find the quote, snap a picture of the passage from the book, something. Anything. I can't find my book and I wanted to read tonight. I feel like I've lost my seminary copy of the scriptures.  I am going to post this as is, unedited and not prettied up -- much like those down days feel

~H

He Loves Me Nots

In my tween years I thought of daisies as "he loves me nots" showing both my pessimist view and what I thought was the most accurate way to know if I was loved (in the kind of puppy dog crushes "love" only tweens have). Sometimes I forced the love, counting backwards before I started plucking the petals to predetermine my fate. 

In my yard and most of the neighborhood all of the daisies are spent, dried petals and drooping heads alerting us that fall is just around the corner. As I was walking the other day this peeked at me from behind a light pole. The day was gloomy outside but this matched my peaceful soul. As I stopped to admire the beauty I almost picked it to play he loves me, he loves me. 

I left it, hoping it would brighten someone's day and realizing that I don't need a daisy to determine if I'm loved. I know it because I feel it and I see it every day in small and large acts of kind service. I hear it often and know from the smile on my face when I hear his special text tone. 

Just like this daisy, love isn't perfect. There are petals with small bite marks from a grasshoppers lunch and some that never fully uncurled but this little daisy brightened the street and put a smile on my face making my day better simply for being there. 

It's being there that I've wanted for so long. Not the big exciting dates (okay, those are fun too), constant barrage of flowers (I'm an occasionally fan of flowers -- not so much frequently) or other outward shows of affection but the evening walks, showing up at my house during lunch break or waiting for me after a long days work. Simply being there and being present in my life makes bad moments good and good things better. 

~H

Goodbye Summer

Summer for me ends in a whirlwind of school starting, Kaede's birthday, Labor Day, county fair, usually Mom and Dad coming home from Alaska and a little of who knows what else thrown in,

This year for Kaede's birthday we went to Bunker Pond for some gratitude perspective on our weather up here.  We did manage (barely) to not melt, but I didn't take my camera so I will add a few phone pictures after I'm done.  On the way home the Vue's transmission decided to have a tissy fit and spew some fluids everywhere.  I didn't realize they were designed to be able to handle such things and have a breather tube or tissy fit tube, that lets some of the steam off.  That took a detour and a stop off of the side of the road just past the Hurricane exit and we were back in business.

Sunday morning I talked in church (I will post about that in an upcoming post) but was the talk written?  Oh heavens no.  They are never actually written out for me, just a sketchy outline but I wasn't even that far.  I'd thought about it tons but hadn't put anything down on paper and the notes I made in my phone on Gospel Library weren't in the order I wanted to give them and my phone is too small to read off.  Once again, I didn't melt and neither did anyone else.  Overall I think it went well, but I don't mind talking.  People liking to listen to me is another matter entirely though.

Monday morning we were off to the Labor Day fair.

CVHS Marching Band

CVHS Drumline

You know it's a county fair parade when there are dogs riding on a tractor

Kaede as a banner carrier for CHS 

Michael and his sousaphone.  I'm proud of how hard this kid can work.

A girl and her flute. I don't think she is playing with that smile on her face

From the parade we headed to the cabin.  Terry brought his new toy and had as much fun teaching the little ones to shoot as they had shooting.  The rest of the big boys did too.

Benny, Michael, Kaede, Terry, and the new toy

Michael taking a picture of Terry teaching Kaede to shoot.

Kaede being coached by Uncle Terry

Jelly!!!  Neil and Ryker playing cards, Josie behind them and Grandpa to the right

Kaede and Jo off on an adventure

Michael shooting.

Path to the Rock John.  Not a very glorious end, but I love the path.

Neil and I went up this path to check the water tank, and looking down towards the court yard and the cabin I realized that this is my favorite place on earth.  Memories of family reunions with extended family, quick trips with Grandpa and running all over the hillside.  If I got "lost" I walked downhill until I found the stream and then followed it to the road and walked back up.  I could write a book titled "My Side of the Mountain" if the title wasn't stolen already.  Pulling onto the lot worries fly away and a quiet peace takes their place.  Definitely my favorite place on earth.

It was a crazy weekend with lots of road time (with lots of kids!) but worth every second of it.  I'm not yet recovered and into my work week.  Oh well, sleep is overrated isn't it?

~H

Love

Earlier this year there was a Facebook post that asked "What do you want to teach your children the most?" I knew my answer before I even finished reading.  I want them to know, to believe, to understand that I will always love them, no matter what. I wish the power of love from me was enough to provide my kids with a kind of bubble wrap that would guarantee they would never deal with trials, pain and Hard Things.  I don't even know that my love really makes any kind of difference in the big scheme of things.  It doesn't make math tests easier, school drama go away, or general teenager life change much.  I'm still that weird Mom who wants to meet friends and get to know them, but they can usually count on me for a ride -- best way of getting to know them, they're trapped! It's easy to love friends, family, and especially your children.

Since my last post about the worth of souls being great I've been wondering, if I'm taking on the challenge to see the worth in the souls of those around me, how exactly am I suppose to do that?  I'm great at thinking of good ideas without coming up with a way to accomplish the goal, but this time I think I've found my answer in John 13:4 where it says a new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. Okay, again it's easy to love friends and family, responding to their needs and spending time with them laughing, bonding, working.  Let's not forget as I have loved you.  Christ loves each one of us, individually not collectively.  He showed that love through kindness and service and ultimately the greatest service that only He could provide in Gethsemane. I've been on the receiving end of some amazing service the past several years, and each one makes me choke up a little and realize that I am loved and have friends who care about me.  I could spend a lifetime paying it forward, but this isn't a budget where a ledger is kept requiring a zero balance when all is said and done, fortunately.

I've written before of those who see the worth of souls, who do the things that many others can't, who help people look at themselves and recognize the worth there.  These aren't random theoretical people, they have names, families, trials of their own but when I think of their willingness to serve others and to jump in and help people out I can't imagine that willingness to serve, often times from people that didn't initially know that is what I imagine loving one another with a Christ like love is and I am grateful for their example and especially their influence in my family's life. They serve those who need it, not those who they deem worthy and they serve without hesitation or judgement of one's situation.  If one gets to pick their legacy, I want love to be mine--the action sort of love, not the emotion of romance novels.

~H

Worth of Souls is Great

This has been weighing on my mind lately, partially from going to Girl's Camp with the Young Women, talking to others who either have or are struggling and thinking back myself on my Hard Things.  We often hear "...the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" (D&C 18:10) and I've spent much of my life applying that to most people, but not all.  Those who make choices with disastrous consequences are easy to write off, discuss in break rooms in gory detail what should happen to them because of their choices.  It's easy to side with the victims and their families that are sometimes harmed by the situation.  From preschool we are taught to despise the villain, cheer for the hero, and have sympathy for the victim.  End of story time.

The scripture doesn't qualify which souls are of worth though.  Not the worth of souls who attend church weekly is great in the sight of God, not the worth of souls who smile at strangers, not the worth of souls that humanity deems worthy.  the worth of souls.  Period.  No qualifications necessary to be worthy.  The teenager going through bullying at school, those doing the bullying, the mother trying her hardest to do her best, as well as the mother who has lost her child to protective services because of her choices.  It extends even beyond that, to individuals generally considered "evil" by most of the world.

I've decided that the worth of souls is great to me too.  It's not always easy to see, depending on circumstances and it's often hard to see when looking at the tired face looking back at the mirror thinking of everything that was done less than perfect.  If we could look beyond the baggy eyes, past the tired that made it so Cheerios were served for dinner, and see into our soul and the greatness within I think our spirits would be lifted.  I like the song "You Are More" from Tenth Avenue North and the chorus resonates with me.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create

I am more. You are more.  The stranger on the street that just yelled at you is more. More than you can imagine, more than today's troubles seem (even when it's one of "those" days when it feels like you can barely breath.  I am of great worth just as each of us is.  Please, if you can't see it in yourself find someone to help you find it because I promise you are more and I know it's hard to see.  I've been where I can't imagine more let alone see it.  My vision began and ended with less, but it got better.  Amazing people were there to help me through Hard Things, there are people out there who believe in you no matter what.  I've met them, talked with them, and know that to them the worth of souls is great too, and they spend their time and efforts helping others believe in themselves.