The two second catch up. Wedding was absolutely perfect, I couldn't have asked for anything more. Married life has been amazing, Michael broke his arm and it's healing very nicely but he's missed basketball for the year, my back is slowly improving (ever so grateful for epidural injections!) Christmas came and went with all the typical magic, flu came with all it's fun and somewhere in there we ended up with a new year. I've missed blogging and hoping that things are settling a bit.
At work there is a quote up that says "a goal without a plan is just a wish" I think about at Girls Camp this year when we talked about maps and charting your course. Having a compass will give you the ability to stay the course, but only if you use it.
I've been very blessed this last year, in ways far beyond my dreams. I am completely happy and at peace and I want this to be my course not just a pathway I cross. I want to never lose the faith I've gained the last two years, the understanding and personal relationship I've built with the Savior, the realization of what my perfect life is (which is full of bills, chores, work, family, friends, obligations, and joy) and what it isn't (there isn't much easy in my perfect life). As I'm on this path I'm finding I'm becoming more of who I want to be. I'm more accepting, more grateful, happier, and hopefully more giving. It's hard for me to find a compass for these goals. When your goal is tied to something easily measurable like pounds lost, money saved, miles ran it's easier to find if you've fallen from your course.
I can't believe that the 21st is only 3 days away. Everything has fallen into place wonderfully -- beyond what I could have imagined.
I knew some specifics of what I wanted -- a life together with Neil by my side. The wedding is just one step to get there. I wanted a traditional wedding dress, good food, family and friends. I don't want a tiered wedding cake, reception line, or doing things just because. I especially didn't want cake smashed in my face. I was ok with some kind of tablecloth and the "fancy" clear plastic plates so that people weren't doing dishes forever afterwards. Enter in "more than I could have imagined" my sister-in-laws family being amazing at decorating and making things beautiful. I walked into Heather's front room and she had a table set with beautiful china and my heart went pitter patter a little inside. In just talking to them they were able to pull together a gorgeous table. Things have been falling into place like that everywhere, down to being able to get the church on short notice, the Bishop not being busy, and the list goes on.
The fact that every part of this wedding is being pulled together by people who have seen me through some really ugly times and cheered me on, picked me up, or came down into my chaos to help me find my way out means so much to me. Every part means something special. I can't wait to see it all pulled together and then be able to share it with all of you.
So here I sit tonight all sappy and grateful my mascara doesn't run easily because I'm confident that I will be a mess on Friday.
Here is a teaser photo of what I've been working on.
I'm so rarely happy with pictures of me in front of the camera. I love, love, love being behind the camera. Today Carmina took some family/engagement pictures and I great big huge puffy heart love them. I didn't think to ask if she cared if I snagged one to post here, giving her full credit of course so you'll have to click through to our album.
On my short list of Priesthood blessings that have moved me the most are a few I've been present for as an RN. Something different happens when it's someone you only just met as a patient. It was that kind of day today. I'm also grateful that oh so very soon there will be a Priesthood leader in my home again. If I take a moment to be quiet and still I can already tell a difference.
Sorry no picture tonight, I'm exhausted and worn out -- plus I don't have one handy that will work.
We had our first snow storm of the year on Sunday and I was without power (and therefore heat) for nearly 24 hours. During daylight I enjoyed sitting by the fire cuddled up to Neil but as it started to get dark and crews were without an estimated repair time I worried and the novelty of hunkering down for the storm grew weary.
The storms that bring us moisture are so necessary in this region. They allow the fields and crops to grow, my flowers to bloom, and quench the thirsty earth. Often they are inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruin my hair, and cancel fun plans. Vital but not necessarily fun.
Storms of life are similar. I'm at a point that I can sincerely say I'm grateful for the things I've learned through my storms and Hard Times. The storms were inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruined many cute hair days, and I've had to cancel many fun plans. Vital for me learn of my own strength, to grow my own testimony, to learn humility and perspective while drawing closer to Christ. Vital but decidedly not fun.
As soon as I could leave work I bolted so that I could get to St George to check out decorations for the wedding so that I knew what I had to work with. We were meeting with Becky's cousin.
A little background here. When it comes to parties, girls camp, gatherings of any nature I can quickly plan a menu and feed people well. If people are hungry it's their own doing/choice and I've found that well fed people are happy. I care significantly less about decorations, china patterns, etc. It's very hard for me to visualize the end outcome and I'd rather do all kinds of prep work than a difficult clean up. Here is where fancy paper plates and the like come into play and I'm okay with that.
We walk into Heather's (no I'm not talking about my house) and there is a table set up with a silver tablecloth and blue charger, china set around etc. and it was so much more than okay. As we start talking they are putting things together and soon we have a mock-up of a beautiful table that is absolutely perfect and makes me smile.
I may be able to feed people but this family can decorate and see the end picture from the beginning and they are so willing to help--they get the credit for everything beautiful that day. I'm grateful for the diversity in talents that is pulling this wedding together (many people are helping in many roles) and their willingness to help.
Special thanks today to Becky, Heather, Monica, and Sharon. Oh and David for putting up with us.
Yes I do have a picture but no I'm not sharing it yet, you'll have to either come or wait until after when I get around to posting pictures.
A day late, but yesterday I was grateful for warmth that was as simple as a thermostat adjustment and heated more than the front room after Sundays power outage.
It's not yet 10 am and I already have pictures (poor quality phone pics, but that's ok) for four days worth of gratitude. Maybe I can make it all the way through the month.
Today I am grateful for the strength of my testimony in the Gospel. Like the candlelight I used this morning when the power was out it has given me the ability to see enough to have hope during my darkest times and Hard Things. The days I felt completely isolated and was certain that night had the ability to swallow me up without anyone noticing I knew that Christ was aware of me and understood in a way that only He can. My testimony got me through that night, then the next few weeks hour by hour and sometimes breath by breath.
Like the candle light above, a testimony positioned properly can be magnified while one hidden and suffocated will die out. As a child my testimony mirrored my parents actions until it was strong enough to grow on it's own, I don't believe that scenario to be very unusual.
For a short time I'd considered not doing 30 Days this year, but I've done it (with varying degrees of success and completion) through photography for the last 10 years. It's given me better perspective and strength through some rough times. I don't need it this year the way I have others but it's a tradition I don't want to give up and it always refreshes my attitude of gratitude so I'm doing it again.
I am grateful for everyday heroes. Not just the ones who stories are told about and recognized on the streets but the ones who come to my rescue on stressful busy days when I lock my keys in the car. The stranger who held the door open when I had arms full of toddlers and babies, a kind smile on a bad day.
My definition of hero is someone who steps up when others don't and they leave the world a better place even if just for a moment.
~Heather
p.s. I know I haven't updated in forever, but I'm getting married. Nov 21, yes of this year. I'm sure you'll be hearing details in posts to come.
I've spent the last 40 minutes looking for a quote that I can't find. If anyone knows it I'd love a reference for it. Meanwhile here is the background.
My pain is getting worse, little things are stacking up on each other with little to no resting time. Last week at work was crazy, I only got lunch one day and the constant running was hard on my back -- especially my climbing over a feeding tube, vent hoses/wires going to the wall, under suction tubing and then stretching sideways. Last week was just the foundation for this week. Every day I have to be at the hospital between meetings, extra shifts, and picture day. Did I mention I'm hurting more? Almost like I'm back in July hurting. I have renters to move in, which means updating the lease that I've been putting off can't be put off any longer. The kittens had a crazy day today breaking the glass out of my favorite picture of Christ and my good mixing bowl. I woke up to glass everywhere upstairs. I can't neglect to mention the large and obvious chin zit because why should my skin cooperate with me?
I was around my favorite people today though. I'd rather have days (weeks?!?) like this with people I love around me than have a so called perfect day without them.
Here's my quote on one of my pictures that warms my heart. The idea isn't mine and I've seen something recently that I can't find tonight.
There is some online bickering tonight among some very real friends of mine. It makes me sad and my heart is feeling a little fragile tonight so I'm taking that extra sensitive and turning it to good.
Thinking about this group of friends, they've walked me through weekly trips to Orem, twice/month to PCH, tests, procedures, evals, Early Intervention, and IEP fun. We have shared stories, tips on how to best get a stool sample of liquid stool from a diaper, campaigned for funding at Capitol Hill, laughed together and been a friend when things seem lonely and no one else really understands and the world seems lonely. I've cried over children who have passed away, cheered at milestones met years behind schedule and watched kids grow from babies in a stroller over video conferencing to going on trek last summer. It's an amazing group of amazing women and I would have been lost without them. So grateful for technology that keeps us connected.
I'm similarly grateful for my ward. When they juggled us up I felt lost and invisible. I knew I wasn't, but my heart didn't. All of the people who checked up on me if I missed a Sunday or activity I'd typically be at were gone. I still miss them tons, but I have grown to love our ward. They don't just love and care about my kids in emotions, they use the action form. I can't begin to explain the depth of my appreciation for my ward family for all they do for us and the example they are.
The weather lately has been beautiful. Amazing storms and gorgeous sunsets with golden leaves up the mountain.
I have more, but it's late and tomorrow starts early.
I think most of us at sometime or another feel some version of "I'm not enough, I never will be enough and I'm too tired to keep trying." Yesterday started that way for me. Nothing was different, but my life is anything but easy. I'm okay with that, I don't know anyone who has ever gotten anywhere by things being easy. It could be that Hard Things caught up with me, realizing that I will never be able to do it all. If my basement is clean, upstairs is messy. If laundry and dishes are done there is clutter everywhere. If weeds are pulled at the rental we are eating fast food for dinner. If I'm working everything else falls to pieces. I can't do it on my own and occasionally a black cloud of "I can't" finds it's way to me.
A small part of me wants to give into "I can't" and hide under the covers all day. A bigger part of me wants to figuratively run away into a novel or movie. There have been times that most of me wanted to literally run away. The first two have won in the past, but Reality is very patient waiting for me when I come out from underneath the covers, close the book, or credits roll. While it's been patient Reality has grown as if it feasts on my frustrations.
Yesterday was different. I took a few minutes with I can't just so she wouldn't feel ignored and then I thought of the passage from Finding Happiness, Peace, and Joy by Richard G. Scott on page 102 where he talks about I Can't and her family of emotions not being from Christ. I took a deep breath watched Mountains To Climb and tried to kick I Can't out. It wasn't easy (see above) but knowing I had Gospel truths on my side made me more determined.
As I thought about how flawed and imperfect I am I realized that everyone is, we are all still here after all. I look at my role models and while I can't see their imperfections I know they aren't perfect either. They are still learning and growing too. They even have days where they are frustrated and overwhelmed. It's okay that we aren't perfect, we aren't meant to be after all. We are here to learn and to grow.
To those who deal with I Can't on a daily basis, I wish I had words to make things easier for you. That I could jump insider your head and help fight the endless battle for you. Like A Broken Vessel from October 2013 General Conference by Jeffrey R Holland is one of the most hope filled things I have to offer. ************ So, I've been sitting on this post for about a week waiting to find the quote, snap a picture of the passage from the book, something. Anything. I can't find my book and I wanted to read tonight. I feel like I've lost my seminary copy of the scriptures. I am going to post this as is, unedited and not prettied up -- much like those down days feel ~H
In my tween years I thought of daisies as "he loves me nots" showing both my pessimist view and what I thought was the most accurate way to know if I was loved (in the kind of puppy dog crushes "love" only tweens have). Sometimes I forced the love, counting backwards before I started plucking the petals to predetermine my fate.
In my yard and most of the neighborhood all of the daisies are spent, dried petals and drooping heads alerting us that fall is just around the corner. As I was walking the other day this peeked at me from behind a light pole. The day was gloomy outside but this matched my peaceful soul. As I stopped to admire the beauty I almost picked it to play he loves me, he loves me.
I left it, hoping it would brighten someone's day and realizing that I don't need a daisy to determine if I'm loved. I know it because I feel it and I see it every day in small and large acts of kind service. I hear it often and know from the smile on my face when I hear his special text tone.
Just like this daisy, love isn't perfect. There are petals with small bite marks from a grasshoppers lunch and some that never fully uncurled but this little daisy brightened the street and put a smile on my face making my day better simply for being there.
It's being there that I've wanted for so long. Not the big exciting dates (okay, those are fun too), constant barrage of flowers (I'm an occasionally fan of flowers -- not so much frequently) or other outward shows of affection but the evening walks, showing up at my house during lunch break or waiting for me after a long days work. Simply being there and being present in my life makes bad moments good and good things better.
