Xtreme Crochet

It takes a unique talent to injure your spine while crocheting, but I happen to be just that talented. I did a pretty good job of it too, like who knows when I can go back to work sorta good.  It hurts to breath deep (extra pressure) lay down, cough, sneeze, hiccup, stand up, sit down and laugh. Laughing hurts a lot. I love to laugh and that pain is only trumped by the pain of trying not to laugh which is funny on its own. My "position of comfort" is walking at snail pace but that's not a sleeping position and I'm exhausted with a side of grumpy.

I'm not completely changing topics, I promise they tie in together. I've been dating someone since May.  Initially I enjoyed seeing him when I'd put enough time and energy into getting ready. I still want to be my very best me, but I'm thrilled when he comes to see me at work even though my navy blue scrubs, no to little make up and ponytailed hair is far from the best me but I don't care. 

After all it's not like he's coming over when I've been in pj's all day, hair not done and a pained look on my face. Oh, except for he has and perhaps more than any other time I felt loved. He came right after work (when I'm certain he'd rather be home resting from a busy few days) because I asked for a blessing. While he was here he did some 'honey do' things I would be not even be able to try. He walked with me, snails pace at best, warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. 

I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to be fussed over and have a shoulder to cry on when bad days hit. As much as all of the best dates and long talks mean to me, this afternoon means so much more. 

❤️ ~H

P.S. I'd be fine if this was the lesson I needed to learn and tomorrow woke up feeling 100% or even 50%. Not counting on it but it would be nice. 

The Art of Doing Nothing

I think back about five years ago having a homework assignment to "just be". Find a grassy spot or somewhere comfortable and just let everything go. It took me a long time to manage it for just a few minutes and it seems to have a fine line between the art of doing nothing and lazy.

In my mind, if there is stuff to be done (you know, The List) then it needs to be done and other things like doing nothing have to wait until the doing stuff list is empty. Reality is that The List will never be empty and there are always important things to be done. Doing nothing couldn't wait much longer though. 

Today I may have perfected the art of doing nothing. I feel recharged, connected to family and friends, and energized (not in the caffiene OD sort of energized though) my heart is happy and there is a smile on my face. What did I do to get all that?  Nothing, absolutely nothing. We closed ICU in time to see the parade so my little work jaunt doesn't count for much. Not a single thing on The List was marked off though. 

I've spent more time this summer watching sunsets, stargazing, and listening to muddy waterfalls than ever before. Doing nothing has been amazing for well being, as well as having a friend who is perfectly fine doing nothing with me. I challenge you to go and do nothing for a few minutes. Mentally running through or adding to The List isn't allowed, stressing about whatever needs to wait either. Please, go forth and do nothing. 

How do you see yourself?

I'm not the first and likely not the last person to write about this.  I will likely have to hear it more often before I actually get it more than temporarily.

I'm not beautiful, pretty or cute.  I come to terms with this mostly avoiding mirrors and such until I see pictures of me.  Being the one behind the camera it's easy to not be in many pictures, that might be one of my favorite parts of being behind the camera.  Couple this with the idea that pictures should be very, very close to perfect to be kept from my really into photography days and it's like I have some kind of photogdysmorphic problem. Yes, I made that up. The problem isn't though.  I have thousands of pictures of flowers, kids, skyscapes, landscapes, sunsets, textures, motel signs, street signs, etc. I like to document my life as I see it, capture the beauty I am able to see around me from simple footbridges to majestic sunsets.

footbridge on the way to The Big Tree

My beautiful Mom hates pictures of herself.  She is most likely to goof off and pull some of her famous funny faces in front of the camera instead of letting us capture her as she normally is.  I'm okay with that, she has an amazing talent of making people laugh and pulling faces.  Her face is beautiful though, see. How can you not love her?

Mom at the cabin for her birthday dinner 2014

Isn't she amazing?  She hasn't seen this picture yet but I'm sure she'd pick it apart.  She's not happy with her hair right now and, and, and.  There is always a list of ands.  I'm very well acquainted with them myself.  The old photographer me wouldn't have hung onto this picture, or taken it in the first place.  Those cars?  Too distracting?  The focus and framing?  Off because the kids took this picture and I had to crop it way down to get it to follow the rule of thirds.  Who wants such a flawed picture?  Well, I do.  It's how Michael sees his Grandma.  A wonderful, happy woman with a bright smile and a delicious cake on her lap you can't see.  This picture is us, family gathered together to celebrate a wonderful woman that has cheered most of us on to get us to where we are now.

This same trip, with both Charlet and Michael having the camera there are pictures of me.  Pictures I don't like and ones I wanted to delete.

Me, at Grandpa's Cabin for Mom's birthday 2014

My cheeks are chubby, I don't have any make up on and my hair had a mind of it's own including visible fuzziness and I don't like the way the shirt makes me look. and, and, and.  I have a hard time seeing anything good in the picture, including flaws and imperfections that aren't visible.  I can see the looming to do list that I never seem to finish, the stress, the inability to be enough of anything for anyone on my own. Who needs a visible reminder of that?  Not me!

I've read, and agreed with, articles talking about the importance of not waiting until the weight is lost or whatever goal it is that is keeping you from wanting to be in pictures because pictures are important.  They show the relationship between a young mother (who may still have some extra weight) and a toddler, the beautiful Grandmother being sung Happy Birthday surrounded by her kids, grandkids, and a great grandbaby who all think she's the greatest ever (of course that's because she really is)

I've adjusted ever so slightly and will consent to pictures like this one because Grant is cute enough to make up for what I'm lacking. Isn't his little mohawk the cutest thing ever?  I adore him and so I keep the picture.

Grant and me at Grandpa's Cabin 2014

I also am a fan of the picture of me that really isn't a picture of a person.  Feet at the beach (I'll take one when I'm at the beach, if I ever get there) or something that shows a part of me, perhaps an insight into my personality without actually being a picture of me. It's me, that's my hand and it's a picture I treasure without having to deal with an awkward smile, hair fuzzies, or lack of pristine make up (or any make up at all this trip!)

As I look at the pictures from this trip, most of which I didn't take it's a little easier to look past the soft focus, missing catch lights, busy backgrounds, and other flaws because each picture captures a part of what going to the cabin is.  Spending time at the cabin with family is amazing.  Fun, stories, games, laughter and love -- if you don't want to be part of that then you can go somewhere else.  One of my favorite pictures is horrifically flawed.  Two teens trying to a selfie in low light with a DSLR but with flash turned off and who knows where the focus or focal length was.  I love it, it shows the relationship that these two have been building up between them. Thumbnail size it's just fine!

Charlet and Michael weekend of Grandma's birthday party 2014

I'm keeping the soft focus, low light, technically flawed pictures and I'm taking a breath and not deleting the pictures of me where I see nothing but imperfections because 100 years from now I don't want someone to be looking at my pictures and assume my children are motherless because I was too picky over something as silly as a photograph. I may not be beautiful but I hope when my kids see pictures of me that are able to realize how much I love them and that they are the center of my entire world forever and always even with fly away hair, no make up, and unrested eyes.

Blogging

I blog because I like to write.  I blog for me and no one else, the only promoting I do is sharing some of the posts on Facebook.  Writing lets me think through and say things that I can't think of in the moment.  Sarcastic comments are almost always on the tip of my tongue, and so is the ability to depreciate a compliment.  I'm working on the compliments, but I've only gotten so far as saying "thank you" and there are times that I want to say more but I feel lost and for once all my words leave me.

I also love to read blogs.  Friends, strangers, local people I don't know really well, artists, medical folk, mommy blogs, cooking blogs, photography blogs -- it really doesn't matter I will read and enjoy a variety of blogs.  When people have topical blogs it makes me wonder how they do it though.  I know people spend more time than I do on their blogging habits from designing to beautiful photography and multiple drafts of entries where mine is more of a mind purge into a quickly thrown together spot on the internet but to have several posts per week on highly defined topics is crazy.  Food blog?  Okay, we'll discuss recipes and pictures of beautiful food, maybe even a gone wrong section but how many days can you do that?  Pictures, editing, multiple drafts and all?  Same with whatever topic the blog may be on.  So, from me you are going to continue to get a mish mash of random stuff written in train of thought style.  If I get my blog prettied up, it will have topics for things I like blogging about but it's still going to be a fairly eclectic collection.

Happy Father's Day

I hope that today is a great day for everyone, yet I know it won't be. Today will sting for the Mom's doing double duty and I'm not just talking about single Moms. Military moms, moms who are married to the father of her children but he isn't very involved, wife who's spouse is ill or disabled and many other situations I'm unaware of may not love this day quite as much as others. There are those who long to be fathers but can't or haven't yet, fathers who have lost a son, fathers trying hard to improve strained relationships, fathers who take time today to make a list of every perceived mistake. To everyone who fits in that category, be kind to yourself because you deserve it.

Last night as I worked on a special project I was thinking about the fathers in my life and how not one of them is the greatest dad, but how most of them are the greatest dad for their children. I have known some not so great dads but all of the ones I've known and talked with have kept trying with varying degrees of success. It might not be a Hallmark plot line but seeing a guy working to be the best dad he can warms my heart — even if the rest of the situation is sad or strained. 

Dad Thanksgiving 20??

To my own Dad who probably won't see this, thanks for teaching me patience in frustrating situations, showing me what unconditional love and support are, teaching me how to roof, drywall, run electrical, plus more things than I should list and for always having my back. I love you and you are the greatest dad I could ever ask for and I hope you have an amazing day. 

To the boys, thanks for being my brothers. Being there to answer my questions, shoulders to cry on, advise givers and antagonists for as long as I can remember has been wonderful. This little (non-spoiled) sister is grateful to be able to look up to you. 

To the guys in the ward who have helped be an example to my kids from showing them how to work and serve to building pinewood derby cars and early morning cross country runs thank you for filling a gap no one else could. 

It would be glaring obvious if I didn't mention my kids' dad but finding the right words is difficult, so the condensed version is what you get. Thanks for giving me three wonderful children, without them my life wouldn't be complete. 

Happy Father's Day everyone. 

Perfect Summer

Tonight was opening ceremonies for Utah Summer Games and once again I sat enjoying summer thinking that this has been the perfect summer. The kind written about in novels and portrayed in movies. I spent some time holding hands I used the peaceful quiet as an opportunity to think backwards and analyze if this was my perfect summer. As a child summers were fine, but just marched off time. I never knew what Hard Things were nor had it ever really crossed my mind leaving me unaware of the value in boring mid-summer days.

Somewhere along with adult responsibilities showing up summer fun went running away, caught up in the doll drum of routine life and stress and was nothing more than a tick marking passing time.   I did fun things, many of them but I rarely enjoyed any of them. 

This summer I've spent hours watching the water run over rocks, the moon rising, the sun glistening off the lake. For once time seems to have slowed down and the view from the slow side roads has been beautiful with wild flowers, beautiful skyscapes, and smell of grass in the air. I would love to freeze this summer forever and I'm grateful for the summers full of Hard Things, tears, and deep sorrow to give me the perspective to love every summer evening this year and cherish it for the beauty in each warm breeze. 

Flowers from my yard

Summer Bucket List

List of things I want and/or need to accomplish this summer, in no particular order.

•Enjoy all the good about summer. Late nights, gorgeous evenings, flowers, sun on my face. 

•Paint the house

•Wildflower festival at Cedar Breaks

•Star party at Cedar Breaks (anyone know how busy those are?)

•Feed the ducks at Parowan's duck pond

•Kayaking 

•Family and friend party

•Hike to Big Tree

Cedar Breaks overlook after snow storm

What is on your bucket list?

Weekends

For years weekends usually consist of either work or lists of things that must be done. Once in a while something fun will come up last minute but rarely do I look forward to weekends in general.

Times change, my perspectives have changed, and I'm finding myself looking forward to weekends, even working weekends. I think it's been since high school when I'd look forward to weekends just for the sake of it being the weekend. 

Lonely?

I know fully well that lonely can be so intense it physically hurts. Surprisingly my loneliest times have been when something positive happens and it seems silly to bother anyone over little things, or when there is an a-ha moment you want to talk about but the best you can do is to blog about it. The hard times I've had caring shoulders to cry on, swing conversations, and walks to share.

This past week I wondered how it is possible to have ever felt invisible. I have so many marvelous friends who do amazing things for us, even more than I realize I'm sure. It's like my family has their own cheerleading squad. 

Scripture Time

Early this year we had the FHE, the kind my mind says they all should be. I didn't exactly plan it, it just sort of fell together. I believe sometime I blogged about ice cream. If I can't find it I will write it tomorrow. 

Anyways my current goal for scripture time as a family is the habit, the routine, it just being what we do. It's entertaining at times when Kaede reads in voices, gives things a dramatic flare, or breaks into corresponding Primary songs. We lost some momentum during 2nd Nephi but we made it -- including discussions on why Isiah is important to read even though it's hard to understand sometimes. Charlet noticed the beautiful imagery on her own.  I am grateful for the knowledge that stories lie ahead.  

Family scripture time is hard though, almost always and the blessings linked to it aren't as obvious and straightforward as some. Rounding everyone up during the chaos of the evening and getting minds focused on scriptures instead of bike riding, hummingbirds at the feeder, whether the turtles have been fed and if I charted that last pain assessment or not is challenging and sometimes comical. It's a priority for me though even when I have to remind myself that it's important even when I have no glorious a-ha moments of gospel truths that like I do during personal study.  Mostly this post is to remind me of that priority.  If I write it down it's more solid, more concrete. 

This quote says nothing about it being easy to gather everyone or that blessings come immediately. It also doesn't discuss anything about only immediate families. Grandma and Grandpa were reading 'with' us, on their own time at their own pace 50 miles north. 

“I promise you that daily family prayer and scripture study will build within the walls of your home a security and bonding that will enrich your lives and prepare your families to meet the challenges of today and the eternities to come” (L. Tom Perry, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 113; or Ensign, May 1993, 92).

In that ice cream FHE we also discussed that statements like those from one of the  Apostles isn't just random words thrown together in a statement but that it's a binding promise that The Lord won't break if we do our part. 

This is another of my favorite quotes on family scripture study. 

“When individual members and families immerse themselves in the scriptures regularly and consistently, … other areas of activity will automatically come. Testimonies will increase. Commitment will be strengthened. Families will be fortified. Personal revelation will flow” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Power of the Word,” Ensign,May 1986, 81).

It doesn't take much

I have Dad's eyes. Not his beautiful hazel irises but his tear ducts that can occasionally be tight as steel but usually resembles some kind of slow watering system. I never realized growing up that men aren't "suppose" to cry, the men I love the most have excellent tear ducts maintained by frequent flushing.

It's been a great few weeks, and an amazing weekend full of peace, admiration, gratitude, realization and pride in a job well done. It's been amazing and exhausting. I'm beat and not done yet either.  

I worked today, the exact kind of day that is the reason I became a nurse. I didn't walk out feeling like I was wearing a superman cape or had significantly changed the course of well, anything, but I found joy in today. In seeing a patients face light up when his wife walked into the room (adding that to 'the list') and a twinkle come back into his eyes. I didn't do anything spectacular but I was happy to see improvement today and be there for those moments and see family be supportive, loving, and kind. The kind of perfectly normal work day that makes me get all fluffy eyed. 

Driving home my mind ran to a list of different sorts. Things I still needed to do tonight, so I ran to the store and bought the wrong sized sheets, took a break from have to's so I could water the flowers and fill the bird feeders. I walked to the north flower bed and noticed something. 

North Side where the rose thicket still annoys me

I just stood there and cried.  Someone who I can stick a name to came by and mowed down the stupid wild roses that won't die, the weeds, the foxtails, the everything all the way to the back fence. Mowing was on a list, one that wasn't going to be prioritized until next week but in quiet unsung acts of service this ward is a perfect example if what a ward family is and why I can't picture being anywhere else. Those mowed down weeds all whispered "you are loved, and you matter"

Thank you, so very very much. I can't even begin to say how much you mean to me and have since we first moved here. 

Tired and I think I know why.

My days have been starting between 6-7. Start off with a load of laundry or dishes, get kids off and going, come home and work on that days project. Take "breaks" periodically by switching to doing something with my flower bed because who doesn't like to weed during their break?  Realize it's 2 pm or later and I still haven't eaten breakfast. Eat lunch while walking around putting things back in their place. Back to project of the day before muscles get too sore. Dinner? Late of course then back to the project. 10 pm realize that scriptures haven't been read yet and no one seems to care about bedtime. Bedtime routine begins, and finally at 11:53 pm I climb into bed to check messages and slow down my thinking and ignore my screaming muscles and the still very long list of only the most important things.

I'm tired of hearing about others' long days of working on projects for 10 hours a day expecting sympathy and help. Tired of things not being done -- definitely headed in the right direction but not there yet. Tired of hauling furniture by myself, laughing at "team lift" warnings, being told "no, you can't do that" and having to pay for massages. My long days won't end at least until the outside of the house is painted -- you know, likely this fall. 

Good night, I hope for a content six hours but excited I get a nap tomorrow because I work night shift. 

Because flowers make me smile, from my front bed. 

Mexican Primrose

Is your hut on fire?

I worked both Saturday and Sunday nights a few weeks ago without a good nap Saturday which leads to missing church 99% of the time. I always try to make up for it through a talk or perhaps topical study. Yesterday as I was doing dishes and some reflective thinking my mind wandered to prayer, largely in part from a conversation with a friend.

As I was thinking about my very hardest Hard Things I've struggled through often feeling disappointed that if my prayers had been answered then I wouldn't have needed to experience the trial following my prayers and pleading. Today I realized that the Hard Things have been the answers to my faithful prayers.  I am trying to think of an example that is shareable and everything coming to mind is too close to my heart for me to throw around the online world but I keep thinking of the story "Is Your Hut on Fire"

A man was shipwrecked on a deserted island by himself.  He began praying to be rescued and began gathering food and building a shelter.  After a few days he has a hut built and a spear.  He goes in search of food and while he is gone he notices smoke from the area of his camp.  When he gets close enough he sees his hut is on fire and becomes angry and frustrated.  He had done everything in his power to survive and now this???  Why wasn't his prayer answered?  The next morning he wakes to the sound of a ship that rescued him.  He asked the ship's captain how he knew anyone was on the island and the captain replied "we saw your smoke signal"

My hut has been on fire, and in the midst of the fire all I could see were flames and felt discouraged, weak, and down but the Hard Things, my fires, have all been the answer to my most sincere prayers.

~Heather