Pictures speak a thousand words

I can't think of anything to begin to describe today, so here you go...

Things I've Learned From Hard Times

I'm stealing this from another post floating around Facebook that I can't find anymore to give it credit. I loved the basis for the article and the content wasn't necessarily wrong -- it just was different from my experiences and I want something a little more personal. 

Music heals the soul. Music can reach deep enough that words alone can't go. Into the depth of your soul where it is hard to let anything in. Let it move you, strengthen you, make you smile. 

I have minimal musical talent. I can't even play chopsticks on the piano, couldn't carry a tune in a bucket if my life depended on it. I have no sense of rhythm and can't even dance (I love to try, I'm just prepared to laugh at myself).  I love music though, I even enjoy watching people who enjoy sharing their talent. My musical talent is letting music into my soul. I have a playlist for when I'm not certain I can even get up out of bed because everything seems so impossible. The opening chords to the first song start to lift my spirits before and words are even spoken. 

Listen to your body. There is only so much stress and Hard Things your body can handle before it starts struggling. A vague stomach ache, shingles, immune system not being up to par. Listen before it gets to that point because shingles seriously suck, help nothing and just make everything more miserable.

Want to know how to listen?  That is harder for to describe but find a quiet place, I prefer on a grassy hill in the sunshine but it is February in Utah so I take what's available and comfortable. I clear my mind (this part took a lot of practice and still can take sometime) and pay attention to what I'm feeling. Is the grass tickling to my legs?  There's a smooth rock under my shoulder, the sun is warm on my face, my neck is tense, I can smell spring flowers (or maybe the stink from the trash truck is blowing towards you).  When I first started I'd run through all the senses systematically and it helped teach me. My body knows before I do when I'm not doing okay, but sometimes it has to yell at me because I forget to take the time to listen.
Also, be good to your body. Eat well, exercise a little everyday (walking is my choice), get enough sleep, if your physician has prescribed meds take them.  You want your body on your side while tackling whatever Hard Thing you are battling now or may lie ahead.

Faith.  "If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble." Henry B. Eyring

The morning after the most difficult night of my life I felt as if nothing around me were true.  All the facts I'd learned in school.  Yes, the sky is still blue.  The floor is still under me so gravity must work.  I went through in the quiet before the kids woke reorienting myself to my life.  I can't say I awoke because I didn't sleep but when I was pulled out of my daze by a phone call checking on me the only thing I knew is that Christ still loved me.  Knowledge was temporarily lost, but faith sung about in Primary rooms every Sunday was with me.  I believe my faith in Christ's love for me was stronger that morning than it ever was before or since.

I've since come to learn that faith isn't just a passive emotion or concept described by philosophers and religions but it is an action word.  My faith isn't something that I can describe to others how I feel but something I show by my actions.  It doesn't take large amounts of faith to begin, just the "particle of faith" spoken of in Alma.  My faith isn't what I believe in, it is who I am.

Above is a description of my faith and what pulled me through my darkest days one hour at a time, everyone's faith is going to be stronger in different areas or different doctrine completely and that's okay.  Faith can be character strengthening.

Discover your friends.  I've not found anything that clarifies a friendship as much as a difficult trial and ongoing struggles. 

I've redefined friends in my mind, only distinguished by punctuation or mental notes.  There are "friends" which wouldn't be inappropriate to use air quotes around with the exception of it isn't kind.  These are the people that I'm friendly with whether out of obligation of work, location, kids in the same activities etc.  They seem to come and go with staffing changes, seasonal activities ending, or moving much like a dandelion gone to seed in the wind. I know I listed coworkers here so I feel I should note that currently my coworkers aren't just "friends"  Working in a small department in a small hospital you can form unique bonds over generally unpleasant tasks.  I have worked places where my coworkers were "friends" but not now -- perhaps I need to come up with a difference for my current work buddies. Then there are friends.  Webster dictionary type friends who you hang out with, have interests in common, share activities etc.  You enjoy each others company and get along well.  The discovery part comes when you realize you need friends.  You may or may not do many social things with friends but without a doubt you know they are there when you need them.  Then you realize that they're there when you didn't realize you need them -- they know you so well that they knew what you needed before you did.  You don't care if they see you when your dishes are undone or you've just rolled out of bed.  Friends are willing to get down in the muck of hard things are help you through.  I think of mine as angels walking around disguised as humans and I count them among my most valued treasures.

...you don't know

Forget phototherapy, it's meme therapy week apparently. In a few weeks I will be a place that always feels like my parenting is being judged. Parent Teacher Conferences. At my best getting the kids organized and on task and turning in the assignments we struggled to complete is nearly impossible. Things are far from best right now and there are 100 "little things" I could do more each day that someone else is certain will make a huge difference in kids' lives. I could model better housekeeping skills, we could recite math facts while cheerfully making complex recipes that require three pots to simultaneously be stirred constantly. We should have ate more veggies today, drank more water, walked to school and choir instead of driving. Let's not forget patiently waiting around the High School to be present for both solo & ensemble performances.  Oh, the dress for the performances?  I made sure to buy one that didn't need to be ironed or it would always be wrinkly. 

Yes there are things I wish I was better at, but feeling like February and March I'm just this side of falling completely apart I'm prioritizing.  My kids go to bed knowing they are loved and that I will move heaven and earth for them if needed.  I would gladly go through all of their hard things for them if I could, it's so much harder being a bystander, cheerleader, and shoulder to cry on. There are no more scrapped knees I can kiss better--and it does nothing for terrifying stage fright in my flute player. The best I could do is get new tights, and that does nothing for stage fright either. I can love them until my chest literally aches (yes, really) but they each have to walk down their rough road themselves. 

So, for parent teacher conference I wish I could print that off, hand it to the teacher (who is wonderful, we love her) and walk away because these meetings always feel like it comes back to a statement about my parenting and I already know I'm not doing enough.  Ever.  It's okay though, I have 2 weeks to fret about it. 

Strength.

I have seen and heard similar sentiments to this lately in many places. Tonight as I came across this one my thoughts said "but I don't want to be stronger" mostly rooted in the fact that my current trials aren't mine as much as they are watching and helping those I love the most in this world go through things much harder and definitely more unfair than anyone should have to go through.   The trial being easier means it would be easier for them. 

I've been thinking about Gethsemane frequently unable to comprehend the magnitude of what happened there, this passage specifically. 

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 (Luke 22:42-43)

Somehow I doubt there was as much foot dragging and reluctant "I guess if I have to" as I've done lately. When I compare trials to things I've experienced I think of my freshman year of volleyball. I decided to try out at the last minute, having no clue what the first weeks of conditioning would be like and after the second day I laid on the front lawn knowing I wouldn't quit, quitting just isn't me, but if I was cut from the team I'd be okay with that. I could barely walk that weekend, but I grew stronger, more endurance, and greater jumping strength. I never was even slightly fond of ladders but I got better there too. At the end of season a conditioning workout was significantly harder than those first days in the gym but I enjoyed them, mostly, and I never again wondered if walking without pain was possible. I could do hard things, and grow stronger from them. 

As much as I don't want to admit it, the same applies here so I will lace up my sneakers, drink extra water, and start jogging some laps. 

Missed me?

I haven't been gone so much as trying to sort things out in my mind, understand topics that are kind of fuzzy and floating around that make me want to stomp my feet and say "but HOW!"  So I made a run to Deseret Book, picked up a few carefully selected titles -- as well as a few that were on sale since it was double point day and have been reading, pondering, journaling instead of blogging, lots of time spent outside on the swing.

Maybe when my composition notebook is full I can clean it up, edit it down a little (lot) and share -- I'm not certain yet which is why I've been journaling.  I'm not certain what should be shared and what not, at least not just yet.

While on a Saturday Adventure today my mind wandered to the old metaphor of life being like a road.  Heading up the canyon we saw lots of warning signs.  Road closed from Cedar Breaks to Brian Head, big trucks use alternative route, slow down twists and turns up ahead as well as steep climbs.  I wondered how many caution signs I've ignored in my life getting caught going too fast around a turn or running into a bunch of pot holes because I was too distracted by life to see the "rough road ahead" sign.  How much easier would my times of trial be if I'd been paying attention?  Sometimes though, landslides come out of nowhere with no warning or notice.  I think I've had a few landslides in my life too, left upside down in the canyon trying to figure out which way is up.

For a while I looked at life as a destination, not a journey always thinking the straight route between here and there has to be best, right?  A nice straight highway?  Turns out that the journey is more important than the destination and sometimes the best way goes along an old dirt road.

 Sometimes that "dirt road" is the kind of deer hunting trails where the road is the place with the shortest sagebrush with Grandma pumping an imaginary brake in the passenger seat while saying "honey..."  The end of those trips typically ended with beautiful views, good memories, and treats out of the wooden grub box.  The journey just as memorable as the destination and no asphalt or dotted lines to be found, speed wasn't as important as the view or time spent with family.

When you finally end up on the road you are certain is the right one, past the cattle guards, railroad tracks, mystery stink, and pot holes it turns out the road you are on is ending and you are left having to choose which way you should go.  The road wasn't suppose to end, and technically you could try to go over the sign and through the fence to continue the direction you thought you needed to be going but everyone can see that isn't a good idea.  Just takes a while to accept sometimes.

I don't know that I've ever made a post this vague or rambling, but it's late and I've had a long day.  My shoes are still dusty from the dirt road and running through the sage brush.

Dear Sweet Bonnie

For a week I've been thinking about Bonnie from many directions and knowing I wanted to write this post but not sure how to find the words to express my love and admiration.  Today was her funeral and it still seems a bit surreal, part of me still doesn't believe she's gone.  Here is my attempt, hoping that writing this post makes everything feel a little more real instead of like a nightmare I keep expecting to wake up from.

I trusted Bonnie completely.  Sitting in her car I've told her things very few others know.  She's heard my insecurities, my fears, my failings, my struggles and each time been able to lift me up.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how rotten things seemed Bonnie's smile would bring some light into my world and leave me refreshed and ready to go forward even just one more day.  She had a way about her that made everyone feel special, cared for, and loved.  Her eyes always sparkled, full of love for those around her and she absolutely glowed when she'd tell stories about her family.  As they walked into the chapel today I could tell who some of them were that I've never met from the stories she's told me.  Bonnie didn't just love her family though, she loved everyone and showed that love through friendship and service.

I've been on the receiving end of some great visiting teachers, but I never felt like I was that visiting teacher that made much of a difference until I went with Bonnie.  Visiting Teaching wasn't just a monthly chore, it was a calling she took very serious.  I visited her in the hospital over a year ago and she was so worried about Visiting Teaching.  She'd missed one of our ladies before she left town for the month, had only talked to another one twice, and was worried that we'd missed an appointment with someone new who was assigned to us.  It was still the middle of the month.  She didn't just visit and take a message around she loved, cared for, and worried about the families we were assigned to go see.  I know my crazy schedule made it harder for her, but I am so grateful that she took the time to show me how to be a Visiting Teacher, not just do your visiting teaching.  As she wasn't able to leave her house she still spent time worrying about and loving others.  '

I called to check on her one day and no sooner had I said "Hi, Bonnie it's Heather" than she was checking on me.  How are the kids doing?  She's been worrying about us after all.  Then came what I think is a classic Bonnie conversation.  I had some rolls baking and wanted to bring some by.  I knew she wasn't eating, but certainly something as simple as a plate of rolls could help her family out at least a little.  She wanted none of that.  I had too much going on, too much to worry about, too busy with the kids to bother making rolls for her.  Really, I don't know if she doesn't realize what she's taught me or what, but getting Bonnie to be on the receiving end of even simple acts of service wasn't easy.  I pulled out what I thought my trump card would be.  "Bonnie, remember how I told you the last time I saw the Bishop he counseled me to find ways to serve others?  Are you denying me an opportunity to follow Bishop's counsel by not letting me bring rolls by?"  I thought I had a valid point that she'd agree to, but I was wrong.  Certainly there is someone else who could benefit from the rolls isn't there?  Someone new in the neighborhood?  Someone else somewhere?  Some point in the conversation she agreed to let me bring the rolls, but just a few -- Craig doesn't eat much you know.  I sat down in Bonnie's front room and visited with her, second to the last time, and I think I left part of me there that visit next to her fireplace.  We couldn't talk about how she was doing, she needed updates on the kids and listened to stories she had missed out on.  Shared with me her concerns and worries -- not about her, but about the ladies we go Visiting Teaching to because Mary really needs a visit leaving out the part where she called her frequently to check on her hoping for some opportunity to do some service, even as weak as she was.  She talked about our first Sunday in the ward and how Charlet walking into the Primary room looking for the Sunbeams made her day because of Charlet's smile and beautiful eyes and how much she loved my kids.  I stopped by one more time after that, Kaede had heard me wonder out loud if Bonnie would be able to drink some Ensure and Kaede was determined to take her some for Christmas.  After a brief visit and a quick hug I knew that was going to be goodbye.  I didn't know if I'd be blessed to see her again or not, but there was a change that visit -- one I recognized from my years working 3 West -- a greater peace, calm and a house overfilling with love.

This past week in the midst of long difficult days, feeling guilty for neglecting home life, and not being able to see an end to anything I've wanted to pick up the phone and call Bonnie to check on her, knowing full well that when I checked on Bonnie it was the other way around.  She made me believe in myself, gave me strength and courage, and has celebrated with me.  I am better because of Bonnie and selfishly I can't imagine how life is going to be without her phone calls and support.  I told our Relief Society president that yes I'd like a new partner, but going out in February isn't going to be the same at all.   She will be missed.  I love you Bonnie, thank you for your years of friendship and support.  I don't know if you ever really knew how much of an impact you had on my life.

Sunday

Kids are with their Dad this weekend so my Sunday morning?  Cinnamon roll and milk for breakfast, in bed no less. My heated throw keeping me feeling warm and comfortable.  I've got Hillary Weeks playing in the background and watching the kittens try to figure out how to get to the empty milk glass. It's quiet, peaceful and perfect as I'm waiting to hear from Charlet if they are going to church with me today or not. I hope so, I'd like them there when I'm set apart today but doing much more than offering backfires on me. 

I hope and pray that everyone is able to find a moment or two of peace today

Sugar Cookies! Recipe and Rambling

If I wasn't feeling like I'd already picked it up from Russell's house at Christmas, I think tonight I'd be looking for the crazy cat lady starter kit to order.  Today I was made aware of a mid-singles dance in St George tonight.  Those of you who don't know me, I don't dance very well.  I love to swing dance and I love the idea of dancing but it's not my comfort zone, unless I have a swing partner that I know can make up for my lack of grace and even then I'm not certain comfort zone would be the best word choice.  I had a few hours to either talk myself into or out of it.

What does a girl do when faced with a choice like this?  She turns to friends, and this being a sensitive-ish topic and considering one friend is very busy right now I had two choices.  DiAnna who would have made me go, without a doubt including showing up on my doorstep to help me get ready (really, I think she does that just so I don't back out of things I'm not certain I want to do) or the friend I did text.  Sorry DiAnna, and I know that you're one of like 3 people who read my blog so yes, I'm ready and waiting for my butt kicking.  When I can't walk straight next week, it's DiAnna's fault.  Reality is I may have gone if I'd had friends to go with me because someone has to have your back and as far as I know, no one I know was going or if I'd had more time to gear myself up.  In my head I'm a fantastic dancer and completely confident in a room of people who mostly know each other and I know none of them, but outside of my head I need dance lessons and a friend at least in the same town to rescue me if need be.

Instead I stayed at home, made sugar cookies for a neighbor's birthday (isn't a way to a man's heart through his stomach?  I'm just perfecting my baking...) and visited with them for a little when we delivered it then came home to finish up crocheting headbands -- from Christmas.  Josie's just needs the flower sewn on and it's my favorite, Bailie's yarn didn't work up well so I picked up the same color in a different weight and found  yarn as close to Josie's vintage yarn as I could for Charlet but it's wool and so soft.  It might turn into a hat and fingerless mittens for me.  Maybe.

Every time I've made these sugar cookies since I found/tweaked a recipe that gives me soft cookies that aren't hard and hold their shape when baking I've been asked for the recipe so here it is -- with a few side notes too, that's what makes a recipe special after all.

They aren't bunnies, they are sideways goldfish!  With big tails, they swim faster that way.

Ingredients

• 5 1/2 C flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 C salted butter at room temperature if you only have unsalted butter toss 1/2 teaspoon salt in with the flour {don't try to microwave it so it's soft and don't try to use it straight from the fridge.  If you are in a crazy use a food processor to get it broken down and then it will cream better.  and absolutely do.not.use.shortening.  Ever.  Even if it is butter flavored Crisco.  Just don't do it.}
• 1 C sour cream {yes, sour cream it's delicious and wonderful and no one will know or be able to figure out why they're so soft and perfect.  Your daughter's teenage friends will raise and eyebrow, but they're teenagers and they'll cave in and try them}
• 2 C sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon Vanilla {the better quality the vanilla the better the result.  Sugar cookies don't have a lot of flavors otherwise so this recipe is one where I pull out the good stuff}

Directions

• Sift together flour and baking soda {and salt if using unsalted butter} and set aside.  {if you have small children helping make sure they aren't using a paddle spoon for this step or you will be sweeping up flour from everywhere}
• Cream together butter, sour cream, sugar, eggs, and vanilla.  {go ahead and be picky about what order things go in for creaming, but I've never noticed a difference so they all go in together and it saves time}
• Add flour mixture to creamed mixture slowly-ish.  About a couple of cup fulls at a time, not tablespoons or you'll hate me because this will take forever and no one has all day just to make cookies!
• Dough does need to go into the fridge for at least an hour or over night before rolling it out, divide it into half and wrap with saran wrap or use a plastic bag  {Again, this is a trust me thing.  If you make these without chilling the dough I don't want to hear about how hard they were to roll out or how they lost their shape in the oven.  It's an important step, go do some dishes or laundry -- better yet, come do mine while the hour is passing}
• Pre-heat oven to 350
• Roll the dough out onto a heavily floured counter and cut into desired shapes.  I have Christmas and Thanksgiving shaped cookie cutters but I'm over Christmas, so I found one lonely Easter Bunny  sideways goldfish with a huge fin.  I always, always, always bake cookies on parchment paper.  It's cheap, saves on dishes, and cookies bake more evenly. 
• How long to bake will vary depending on oven, cookie thickness, and a little bit on cookie size.  I'd check them at 7 minutes, 5 or 6 if they are thin.  You want to pull them out of the oven just before the edges brown but make sure the middle of the cookie doesn't look wet.  Pulling them out at the perfect time is key for softness.  My oven it's 9 minutes for thick cookies, 8 for normal {no, I don't have numbers to go with what I mean by that be grateful I have times, Mom's recipes always say "bake in an oven until done"  I don't know where else you'd bake, but my point is be grateful for how much I gave you} 
• As for frosting.  Royal Icing will give you cuter cookies, but cream cheese or butter cream frosting tastes much better.  Taste wins in my book, nearly every time so I use cream cheese frosting -- today from a can, frosting recipe will have to come another day.

Homemade Ice Cream

I don't know that a food can be a tradition, but if it can ice cream is one of ours. Grandpa Len always had ice cream (maple nut specifically) and much to Grandma's head shaking you didn't need to finish your dinner to get some. After all, ice cream just fills in the cracks after you're full. Terry and Becky got Lindsey the cutest vinyl design they are putting on a mirror for her. I will see if she will send me a picture. {Yay!  She did!}

 On his birthday all of us were too full for dinner and we still went out for ice cream, it was only right after all. 

Saturday I wasn't even thinking about FHE when I said aloud, to no one "we need to make ice cream and talk about family. Call Alisha and see if you can borrow her ice cream maker"  Me being me, I had to ignore that but when I thought the same thing as the Sacrament was being passed I decided to listen and see if I could borrow their ice cream maker.  Being as awesome as she is we made arrangements to pick it up Monday.

Before I dumped in all the ingredients (well, except for the egg because I forgot it -- oops) I had the kids taste them individually.  With the exception of sweetened condensed milk there wasn't anything that would get listed as wonderful.  Even the SCM wasn't wonderful, just better than the rest.  At the same time nothing was horrible by itself either, no tongues had to be cut off from disguistingness, and only a few sour faces at the vanilla extract.  After all the ingredients were mixed together we tasted it again.  Nothing overly exciting, taste had improved some but no one wanted to do more than stick their finger in and lick it.

The ingredients are us, individual family members.  Alone we are not nearly as exciting as we could be, we have not met our potential.  Even when we're together as a family all in the same house (or ice cream tin) things are just kind of 'meh at best.  It isn't until you pour the ice and rock salt around the outside and start it churning that the concoction turns into something amazing and desirable.  The sweet liquid has turned into a family!  As the ice cream was freezing and we had dinner I wanted everyone to think of what could be our ice and salt.  It was important to me that we focus on things to do instead of not to do and I wanted everyone's input.

We decided that as a family we will:

• Compromise {Charlet's example was if I say her curfew is 9 and she wants it to be 10 that she can stay out until 9:30.  *sigh*} 
• Do everything. That may seem overwhelming, Kaede had a hard time finding the words for what she wanted to say but she mentioned "do everything" in supporting each others activities, doing all of the chores they're suppose to and I decided that "do everything" was pretty accurate.
• Laugh.
• Read the Scriptures and have family prayer daily.  

The last one was my contribution.  I had looked for a quote that lists out promises that come from daily scripture study as a family and I couldn't find the one I was looking but I did find this quote from L. Tom Perry in October 1993 General Conference.

I promise you that daily family prayer and scripture study will build within the walls of your home a security and bonding that will enrich your lives and prepare your families to meet the challenges of today and the eternities to come.

"I promise" coming from a General Authority during Conference isn't simply a word choice, it is a phrase that grabs my attention and makes me listen. my word shall not pass away, but shall all be  fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the  same. Doctrine and Covenants 1:38 Promises that come from the Lord usually (always?) have 2 parts.  The part we do (or don't do) and then the blessings or consequences.  From Moses's time, look at the serpent (do) and be healed (blessing). They are throughout the scriptures as well as my life.  After reading the do part which as usual is fairly straight forward, until it gets hard and even then it's still fairly straight forward (daily prayer and scripture study) and realizing the blessings are tailored to exactly what my family needs are how could I add anything else onto the list?

It also doesn't specify anything about "immediate family" only, so we're inviting other family to join us across the miles.  Started reading the Book of Mormon out loud, dividing the verses between all of us, one chapter a night beginning January 20, 2014.  Days the kids are at Paul's that night they usually end up over here for part of the day anyways so we will read then, making up days that they don't make it over the next night.

There will be times that things seem too busy, our lives are "too full" but just like Grandpa always said "there's always room for ice cream" and to make our ice cream we have a guideline that has been given to us to follow.

~Heather

Priesthood Blessings

The Bishop came over tonight to give Kaede a blessing, he gave Charlet one as well. I have thoughts going in so many directions, this post is likely going to be a little on the rambling side. 

I wish more than anything that there was a worthy priesthood holder in the house. I know it's only a phone call away no matter the time but I still find myself waiting until whatever it is has grown big enough to justify a blessing. If anything I feel more comfortable now asking than I have in a really, really long time. 

In the past year I've had some amazing blessings, one in particular that I wish I had transcribed. Almost immediately after I forgot what words were said but I will never forget how I felt that night or in the coming days. Some blessings I've known that while things won't be easy they will be how they are suppose to be and all will be well. Others have given me the strength to get up just one more day and to get through just a little longer. A few I've known I'm not as alone as I'd previously felt and could feel my Heavenly Father's love for me. 

Tonight I hope and pray that girls feel the strength and power in the Priesthood that I have. Tonight I realized that the transcript of the blessing isn't as important as the feelings, the strength.  The part of a blessing that amazes me is the silence. The long breath between sentences where words aren't spoken but the Spirit is strong.  There is no way to transcribe the silence. 

Tonight however there is one sentence that keeps echoing in my soul, unsure of it was meant for Charlet or for me. 

Wide awake

I'm feeling unsettled and restless, with the feeling there is something I should be writing. I just don't know what and definitely not why. I've opened the app a few times but my head isn't sure what to say and my heart isn't giving me any words. 

I'm so unsure of so much right now, so much that doesn't even fit into words. I did find 'the' recipe for popcorn that makes me happy, thanks to Bishop Marchant. 

Surely popcorn isn't that important though, even if I turn it into a Heather Parable about the required heat and churning to make each kernel pop. Yeah, it's lame and a big stretch. 

ShaLiece and I went to see Saratov Project tonight, excellent and yes one I will likely buy in the future but it doesn't seem like I'd be laying awake at night for commentary on someone else's story. 

Life is once again in a state of flux where it seems there is little solid to stand on, but honestly that has been how things have been for the last 6 years or so. Maybe change and struggle is my solid ground?  Difficulty sleeping at night has at least become my standard, my normal and I don't like it at all. In anyway. 

I hope you have a good night (or morning?). I'm going to find a slightly different Pandora station and see if change will help my heart settle a little. 

New Years Improvements

Most of my NY resolutions follow the "better today than yesterday" mindset. One that doesn't really is being a better friend and neighbor, doing a little more to make someone else's day a little brighter, let others know how much I appreciate them. 

Now, there are lots of things going around. Paying for another's meal or gas anonymously etc. I don't have funds for things like that though, does anyone have any ideas of ways to pay it forward?  I'm trying to consciously do something specific each week. I know I'm writing this like I get more than a couple of hits per post that I don't share on FB but if you happen across this and have an idea for me I'd love it if you'd share. 

Best Day Ever -- after the worst (almost) night ever

I can pinpoint date and time of the beginning of the worst night ever, and it wasn't last night.  Last night was full of insomnia, restlessness, with underlying anxiety.  Less than two hours of sleep and then most of today spent on the road.  I last looked at the clock at 2:53 and my alarm was set for 4:45.  *yawn*  Did I mention I had to be driving before dawn?  Yep, that was me. After mastering the art of the snooze button until the very last moment I drug myself out of bed and by some small miracle was actually awake and alert.

I was about at Fillmore when I looked over my shoulder to the East to see if I could change lanes and the sky was a magnificent orange that bounced off of the mountains to the West.  A few quick minutes before the sun peeked up over the mountains the sky was a brilliant canvas of watercolors.  I debated about pulling over for a picture but I had no time for stopping, they were used up in my last two snoozes.

As I drove through the mountains and into the valley that I've had to trust everything was dusted with a beautiful, peaceful snow.  Majestic horses playing in the fields, ice reaching across the river and deep blue of the mountains was post card perfect.  There was almost no traffic on the road and the valley was filled not just with quiet but with peace.  Quiet has been a precious commodity around here lately, but for it to be coupled with peace was priceless.  Somewhere along the roadside all of my worries and anxieties were left behind.

As I was ready to leave, my heart having been filled up and my backpack of "worrying about not doing enough of anything" was emptied out.  I had a smile on my face and a feeling of warmth even with the cold wind blowing around me.  I stepped outside and in the same yard sitting on a power pole was a beautiful bald eagle.  He took off soaring overhead as if he was escorting me out, letting me know that everything is okay.  He's there to watch over the valley.

I drove home the long way, tired was starting to set in and it's easier to pull over and stretch my legs or take a quick nap away from I-15.  My first leg stretch?  Manti.  Walking around the temple grounds here was different.  I've walked around both StGeorge temple and SLC temple often when I'm close by and waiting, there is almost always someone else there is street clothes too and one of my favorite pictures of St. George temple has a runner resting on the steps.  Today it was just me.  People were coming and going but no one was walking around the temple grounds.  The placement of the temple is a beacon from whichever direction you are coming, at night it's beautiful and gives direction, much brighter and easier to find than the North Star.