The one constant of motherhood I've seen since before I had kids has been the vicious circle of judgement and comparing. I remember thinking of how things were suppose to be, not just for me but how things should just work. For everyone.
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I've learned more bit by bit and when Michael was a baby I realized that those I still felt a little judgmental towards once I'd take the time to listen to their story I understood why they made the choices they did and the judgment dissolved away. Most of my "this is the right way" thinking went out the window at high speeds when I had Charlet. I can't think of anything I said starting with "I will never" or "my kids won't" that hasn't come back around to bite me. Life isn't perfect and nothing follows plans how one hopes they will.
The past few days I've noticed or heard of several Mom's having to defend their choice to stay at home to either society in general, neighbors, strangers who feel it appropriate to comment on others parenting choices, and online social networking. It makes me sad that judgments are thrown around in all directions. Women who plan on staying at home and rearing their children are told that the college education they are working hard at is a waste of time since they just want to stay at home. Someone with an in demand degree makes the choice to stay at home or work a job that the hours are better for their family life is throwing that knowledge away demeans the hard work and value, financial and family, of having a mom be home with the children.
The infinite list of people who tell me {yes, this one is personal} "I know you are busy but if you just XYZ for 15-20 minutes a night then this one small aspect will improve and be wonderful!" then my mind hears some sarcastic comment that I hopefully manage to keep inside. It's like an eternal list of ways and reasons I'm not perfect and never will be because 15-20 minutes X 3 kids X endless number of XYZ items + full time job + housework = impossible. Stay at home moms who on frustrating days of teething babies and answering "why?" every 45 seconds telling their neighbor that they wish they could go to work but they love their children too much to leave them with a babysitter to raise them because children need their mothers makes it easy to feel like anyone who does work and leaves kids with a babysitter doesn't love their kids as much.
Then there are people like where I use to be. Generalized situation, this parenting choice is best regardless. At least until certain situations come around and then it's acceptable but you are still settling for less than ideal and who doesn't want ideal for their family? I was once informed by a local busy body that it's okay that I work since I "have to" followed up with a poor Heather sigh. Yes right now I have to work, most single parents don't have a choice. Some days I sit in my car before I clock in worrying about how the kids are doing or cry about missing a treasured event or feel guilty when I look at the clock and realize it's 5 pm and I haven't talked to any of the kids after school because we've been busy but my phone shows several missed calls from them. Other nights I go to sleep grateful I get to come to work in the morning because that day at home with the kids was long, hard, and I want a break.
I wonder if the self judging that mothers around the globe seem to excel at is more damaging than the judging from neighbors and society. They are definitely interconnected and I wish that moms could go to sleep at night confident they had done their best and everything is going to work out just fine. In my dream world that is the one thing I would change instead of dragging ourselves and others down we could support each other in our choices. Whether it's working or staying at home, keeping kids' time unscheduled and free or signing them up for multiple activities, bottle or breastfeeding, or small decisions like taking time to talk and watch the sunset instead of having a perfect reading record and laundry all done.
With that I'll step off my soapbox and hope for the next 90 minutes to hurry past so I can go home and sleep.
Go Heather!!!!! And unfortunately... It never seems to stop, no matter how old your kids get... Women crucify our own and that is just stupid. I cant tell you how often I have lost friendships over stupid reasons and I believe it has happened again just recently because a woman who I valued greatly as a friend and who TOLD me REPEATEDLY.. that she did not judge my life choices in working at a family business etc really DID judge me. But at 54 years old I have FINALLY come to realize that I am an awesome person, I have done the best job possible with the guidance of God through it all and its HER loss not mine
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