One week

I can't believe how quickly one week passes and it's all I have left with so much to do. This past week was productive, even my lazy Saturday, and my load seems much lighter. Once again a truck/trailer and muscles are needed. I think I'm going to put truck on the list.

I did get the bed situation figured out, still keeping an eye open for one more, but we are mostly good. Even scored an awesome new couch that is a perfect ugly. The couches, that's where I need help. Both couches need to get out of the front room and new ugly couch and piano moved in. Blue couch needs to be down here and then the other couch, both love seats need to go to the dump. See?  Muscles and a truck/trailer. 

With work I only have Wednesday, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon evening. My goal is to be done Friday in time to relax and maybe catch a movie? We'll see how that actually goes. 

Happy

I mentioned the other day that I've been happy lately and I've wanted to expand on that idea. So often the world thinks that happy comes from external forces. Lack of trials, Hard Things missing in your life, good things happening, a beautiful home, well behaved and talented children. Those things may be fun and exciting and have a Christmas morning type of Happy (like Pharrell Williams Happy) that's not what I'm talking about.

This happy is internal and present even in the midst of Hard Things and absence of wonderful things. It's who I am, who I've fought so hard to find because I knew she was in there somewhere yelling and screaming to be found. I've heard her voice when I can look at the chaos in my life and realize that it's okay, when I look in the mirror and am able to laugh at myself and broken tailbone grateful I went skating still I could see a reflection, or reading a book when my life is hidden behind the words I could feel her close.  She's been nearby but just out of reach for too long.

On a particularly hard day I remembered back to high school and Brother Harr asking me if I ever didn't smile because he hadn't seen it. That's the part of me that's is back. My resting face smile has returned. Just like meeting an old friend I know the date and time she found me. I feel more like myself than I have in years. Hard Things are still all around and I don't know how I'm going to do everything I'm suppose to much less everything I want to but I have a smile on my face, peace in my heart and faith that everything is going to be okay. 

To those who stood by me and drug me through my mucky days I am forever thankful. The muck would have swallowed me up if you hadn't been there. Thank you. 

Just because flowers make me happy

~Heather ❤️

To Mothers Everywhere

You are amazing and wonderful!

The one constant of motherhood I've seen since before I had kids has been the vicious circle of judgement and comparing. I remember thinking of how things were suppose to be, not just for me but how things should just work.  For everyone.  

Best picture I've seen in a long time!

I've learned more bit by bit and when Michael was a baby I realized that those I still felt a little judgmental towards once I'd take the time to listen to their story I understood why they made the choices they did and the judgment dissolved away.  Most of my "this is the right way" thinking went out the window at high speeds when I had Charlet.  I can't think of anything I said starting with "I will never" or "my kids won't" that hasn't come back around to bite me.  Life isn't perfect and nothing follows plans how one hopes they will.

The past few days I've noticed or heard of several Mom's having to defend their choice to stay at home to either society in general, neighbors, strangers who feel it appropriate to comment on others parenting choices, and online social networking.  It makes me sad that judgments are thrown around in all directions.  Women who plan on staying at home and rearing their children are told that the college education they are working hard at is a waste of time since they just want to stay at home. Someone with an in demand degree makes the choice to stay at home or work a job that the hours are better for their family life is throwing that knowledge away demeans the hard work and value, financial and family, of having a mom be home with the children.  

The infinite list of people who tell me {yes, this one is personal} "I know you are busy but if you just XYZ for 15-20 minutes a night then this one small aspect will improve and be wonderful!"  then my mind hears some sarcastic comment that I hopefully manage to keep inside.  It's like an eternal list of ways and reasons I'm not perfect and never will be because 15-20 minutes X 3 kids X endless number of XYZ items + full time job + housework = impossible.  Stay at home moms who on frustrating days of teething babies and answering "why?" every 45 seconds telling their neighbor that they wish they could go to work but they love their children too much to leave them with a babysitter to raise them because children need their mothers makes it easy to feel like anyone who does work and leaves kids with a babysitter doesn't love their kids as much.

Then there are people like where I use to be.  Generalized situation, this parenting choice is best regardless.  At least until certain situations come around and then it's acceptable but you are still settling for less than ideal and who doesn't want ideal for their family?  I was once informed by a local busy body that it's okay that I work since I "have to" followed up with a poor Heather sigh.  Yes right now I have to work, most single parents don't have a choice.  Some days I sit in my car before I clock in worrying about how the kids are doing or cry about missing a treasured event or feel guilty when I look at the clock and realize it's 5 pm and I haven't talked to any of the kids after school because we've been busy but my phone shows several missed calls from them.  Other nights I go to sleep grateful I get to come to work in the morning because that day at home with the kids was long, hard, and I want a break.

I wonder if the self judging that mothers around the globe seem to excel at is more damaging than the judging from neighbors and society.  They are definitely interconnected and I wish that moms could go to sleep at night confident they had done their best and everything is going to work out just fine.  In my dream world that is the one thing I would change instead of dragging ourselves and others down we could support each other in our choices.  Whether it's working or staying at home, keeping kids' time unscheduled and free or signing them up for multiple activities, bottle or breastfeeding, or small decisions like taking time to talk and watch the sunset instead of having a perfect reading record and laundry all done.  

With that I'll step off my soapbox and hope for the next 90 minutes to hurry past so I can go home and sleep.

Cancer Sucks

I miss my 3 West peeps the last few days. Especially today.  So many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I can't share other than cancer sucks. Friends that I wonder how they are doing, comfy chairs I'd sit in and eat hot tamales. 

One more time, cancer sucks. 

Soooo tired

It's been a full, full day starting at the rental to check out some renters (anyone looking for a place to live?) then onto things I can't detail out just yet. Kaede wanted to do an Easter Egg hunt for Kaleb and Emmitt which I believe was more helpful with her having something to do. We sure do love those boys and Miss Ruby was so sweet today too. I've talked to tons of people, made lots of arrangements all while wearing painting clothes and looking a lot like I could use a hot bath and pampering. I didn't realize how rough I looked until I peeked in the mirror. Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm excited for tomorrow but already exhausted and I have cake to make still. And other stuff too. I've found it easy to slip into grumpy land today about having to do this on my own then I realize how many people are helping and then I'm just overwhelmed. 

Wishes

The spring before Kaede turned 3 she woke me up with an excited level of about 9 on a 0-10 scale. She drug me out to look out the window at our yard.

I looked out and sighed. So many weeds, so little grass in our lawn, so many dandelions gone to seed after I'd tried to kill them last fall. The excitement from not yet 3 year old Kaede pulled me out of sulking. "We are the luckiest people in the world Mom, just look!"  I looked and couldn't see anything to be particularly excited about much less anything from behind the old drafty window at a yard that needed a complete overhaul. The sparkle in Kaede's eye and the excitement seeping out of everywhere made me look again. 

Weeds, dead lawn, old porch, dirty window and no clue what had Kaede so excited. She took me by the hand to the yard and Vanna White style she pointed at  the lawn and said "Look !"  Our yard is full of wishes!  We are so lucky Mom. 

Kaede still calls dandelions that have gone to seed "wishes" and her perspective on life, Hard Things, and weeds is what I kept thinking about during this last conference when they discussed being grateful. It's not a list she writes or a cute meme posted to Facebook it's just in every part of her and how she lives her life. I hope she never looses that part of her. She has seen more than her fair share of hard things and still manages to be smiling from her soul with gratitude.  

My house is so very kind

It has been patient through Feb and March never once failing in patience waiting for me to clean. Several science experiment practices plus the real science project, Kaede's stress ball factory (flour everywhere!), dinners to be delivered, rolls to be made it needs a full day worth of attention.

That day is not tomorrow. Tomorrow I am hoping to finish painting my room downstairs so it can cure and then stuff can be hauled down next week sometime. I look around the house after today's crazy long shift with my body screaming for bed and dishes sitting and waiting oh so patiently, laundry remnants from our last folding marathon that if not productive was definitely memory making. 

Oh, Kaedeism of the day. Heading into scripture time she said "is it still that really confusing guy? When does he stop writing?"  Yeah, we are in 2 Nephi and have been for what seems like a really long time. Charlet has been picking up on some of Isiah's beautiful imagery, eventually we will hit the stories Kaede recognizes, in just about a week. 

Grateful

Tonight as I lay not sleeping I can't help but feel overwhelming gratitude, not so much for my Hard Things but for the perspective and growth I've received. My heart is full tonight and I have no one to share it with except for you.

I went for a short, slow walk today in the cold and wind. It wasn't an enjoyable walk by any means but along the way I took this picture. 

Tree blossoms

The walk sucked, but this moment, this phone picture was worth it. 

I don't know how long the feeling will last, but for now I can clearly see that my Hard Things will be worth it (eventually) provided I can hold tight to the truths I know.  As hard as it is to think about and hope for my timing to match up with God's timing tonight I will be patient. Instead of sharing my thoughts and feelings with a best friend I will share it on my blog (sorry for the rambling and side roads)

A new favorite scripture is Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. (Luke 22:42) I've never had a cup I've wanted removed as much as I do now, but I know when I choose to follow the Lord's will things turn out better than is possible for me to imagine.  Nevertheless, not my will but thine.  I pray for the guidance to know what that will is and for the strength and courage to continue and the perspective needed to remain grateful. 

~H

Progress? In baby steps? Mini baby steps?

I had originally wanted to get my bedroom done and both me and Kaede moved downstairs by my birthday. I should have realized exactly how unrealistic of a goal that was with work, kids, housework, my March motivational level.

I'm getting closer, and I think I'm going to enjoy having the downstairs to relax in and take some of the over crowding from upstairs. By closer I mean the rugs downstairs shampooed, the back door put on (it doesn't fit right, it warped in the garage so I'm waiting for help there) a new light put up in the laundry room, glass ordered for the backdoor and the back porch window. Oh, and colors finally picked out. 

The ceiling will be a darker gray and still undecided about the floor. It might end up being just a rug found at a later date. 

I was recently asked if there was something that I enjoy doing that I haven't been lately and I couldn't come up with much besides shooting but that's pointless with a dead computer anyways.  Today I realized I might not have a hobby I've been neglecting but I have projects that were going to be winter projects that haven't gone anywhere yet so I will work on them, trying to balance that with all the other stuff I have to do. 

I am going to need help "moving" downstairs and I hate asking for help so instead I'm offering to trade help moving big things for a pan of cinnamon rolls. It's a fair trade isn't it?  Let me know if you're interested in cinnamon rolls. 

~H

Collector of blogs and journals

I love to read blogs. A lot. I enjoy blogging, it gives me a way to have a voice when I want to talk about things but the cat doesn't care to stay around or listen. I have a random collection of blogs, started as photoblogs turned into remembering how much I enjoy writing. I've never gotten much past blogging as a stream of consciousness rough draft but since I'm not being graded or trying to impress the world I'm okay with that. I blog for me and if people enjoy reading it then it's a little bonus I guess. 

This morning I wanted to write a post but keep it password protected then I found out that blogger doesn't allow that, I think I must have been using wordpress when I've done it before. I found a way around my problem and I think that solution might also be the solution for other thoughts that I've been wanting to get out of my head somewhere. Or it might just sit with that one lonely post. Maybe someday I will progress past my stream of consciousness writing style and post something that I've worked on. 

March Holidays

March is full of amazing holidays. Pi day, National Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast day tomorrow.

It also carries a significant amount of sadness and memories I'd like to move past. This weekend is hard and that may not ever change. Why does my birthday have to be squished in there too?  I'd love to create new happy memories, but it's difficult to bake a cake for yourself, plan fun for yourself when it's just well, you. 

I think it's strange that Valentines Day alone doesn't bother me but my birthday does. This weekend I'd like to hide away and have a shoulder to cry on but instead I will "chin up, Buttercup" and go about my business of saving lives, one charting requirement at a time. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time of not lonely. 

I do have flowers blooming here and there and it helps a little, but not much. 

Monday Night Musings

I'm sitting in bed, trying to convince myself that I can handle tomorrow and that there are a few hours inbetween now and then that nothing but breathing is required of me and I can recover from today. 

As I sit back and think about how today has gone trying to find my three gratitudes I realize how fortunate I am, even in the middle of hard things. 

I'm grateful we've reached the time of year that even getting out of work late I have time for a walk and get to see yet another beautiful Cedar sunset and chat with Kaede about her weekend. 

I'm forever indebted to my neighbors.  Today I got to see some of them help another person today and I can't express how amazing they are and how grateful I am to call them friends. The same extends to houses up and down the street, a few blocks over etc. I love my neighborhood, I love my ward and the thoughts of losing anymore friends feels like a knife in my stomach. I just won't do it, and no one is allowed to move. 

I'm grateful for the ability to see good among times when everything seems bad all around. 

Tough Week

Without detailing to the public why, this week has been rough with each day getting progressively harder. Last weekend was good, sick kids, massive driving and couch surfing at Gary's included. Tiring but good. 

Every once in a while when we have an unstable patient that we are constantly titrating drips on our monitors will for a second show a perfect picture. Adequate vital signs, rhythm not overly funky and for half a breath everything seems great. That's what looking back over the pictures from last weekend does for me. Glimpses of time captured forever that seem absolutely perfect.  If I could pick a picture to be my forever, this would be it. 

What may seem like a quick snap to the world speaks volumes to me. My entire heart was sitting on that couch, together. They are the driving force behind everything I do and I've come to realize that it's quite likely I will never be able to describe how much I love them or how perfect this moment was. If it wasn't a stupid phone picture I'd blow it up big and put it on the wall.

This moment, I want this to be my forever. All the hope, love, potential, and all around awesomeness that I could ever want.