Scripture Time

Early this year we had the FHE, the kind my mind says they all should be. I didn't exactly plan it, it just sort of fell together. I believe sometime I blogged about ice cream. If I can't find it I will write it tomorrow. 

Anyways my current goal for scripture time as a family is the habit, the routine, it just being what we do. It's entertaining at times when Kaede reads in voices, gives things a dramatic flare, or breaks into corresponding Primary songs. We lost some momentum during 2nd Nephi but we made it -- including discussions on why Isiah is important to read even though it's hard to understand sometimes. Charlet noticed the beautiful imagery on her own.  I am grateful for the knowledge that stories lie ahead.  

Family scripture time is hard though, almost always and the blessings linked to it aren't as obvious and straightforward as some. Rounding everyone up during the chaos of the evening and getting minds focused on scriptures instead of bike riding, hummingbirds at the feeder, whether the turtles have been fed and if I charted that last pain assessment or not is challenging and sometimes comical. It's a priority for me though even when I have to remind myself that it's important even when I have no glorious a-ha moments of gospel truths that like I do during personal study.  Mostly this post is to remind me of that priority.  If I write it down it's more solid, more concrete. 

This quote says nothing about it being easy to gather everyone or that blessings come immediately. It also doesn't discuss anything about only immediate families. Grandma and Grandpa were reading 'with' us, on their own time at their own pace 50 miles north. 

“I promise you that daily family prayer and scripture study will build within the walls of your home a security and bonding that will enrich your lives and prepare your families to meet the challenges of today and the eternities to come” (L. Tom Perry, in Conference Report, Apr. 1993, 113; or Ensign, May 1993, 92).

In that ice cream FHE we also discussed that statements like those from one of the  Apostles isn't just random words thrown together in a statement but that it's a binding promise that The Lord won't break if we do our part. 

This is another of my favorite quotes on family scripture study. 

“When individual members and families immerse themselves in the scriptures regularly and consistently, … other areas of activity will automatically come. Testimonies will increase. Commitment will be strengthened. Families will be fortified. Personal revelation will flow” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Power of the Word,” Ensign,May 1986, 81).

It doesn't take much

I have Dad's eyes. Not his beautiful hazel irises but his tear ducts that can occasionally be tight as steel but usually resembles some kind of slow watering system. I never realized growing up that men aren't "suppose" to cry, the men I love the most have excellent tear ducts maintained by frequent flushing.

It's been a great few weeks, and an amazing weekend full of peace, admiration, gratitude, realization and pride in a job well done. It's been amazing and exhausting. I'm beat and not done yet either.  

I worked today, the exact kind of day that is the reason I became a nurse. I didn't walk out feeling like I was wearing a superman cape or had significantly changed the course of well, anything, but I found joy in today. In seeing a patients face light up when his wife walked into the room (adding that to 'the list') and a twinkle come back into his eyes. I didn't do anything spectacular but I was happy to see improvement today and be there for those moments and see family be supportive, loving, and kind. The kind of perfectly normal work day that makes me get all fluffy eyed. 

Driving home my mind ran to a list of different sorts. Things I still needed to do tonight, so I ran to the store and bought the wrong sized sheets, took a break from have to's so I could water the flowers and fill the bird feeders. I walked to the north flower bed and noticed something. 

North Side where the rose thicket still annoys me

I just stood there and cried.  Someone who I can stick a name to came by and mowed down the stupid wild roses that won't die, the weeds, the foxtails, the everything all the way to the back fence. Mowing was on a list, one that wasn't going to be prioritized until next week but in quiet unsung acts of service this ward is a perfect example if what a ward family is and why I can't picture being anywhere else. Those mowed down weeds all whispered "you are loved, and you matter"

Thank you, so very very much. I can't even begin to say how much you mean to me and have since we first moved here. 

Tired and I think I know why.

My days have been starting between 6-7. Start off with a load of laundry or dishes, get kids off and going, come home and work on that days project. Take "breaks" periodically by switching to doing something with my flower bed because who doesn't like to weed during their break?  Realize it's 2 pm or later and I still haven't eaten breakfast. Eat lunch while walking around putting things back in their place. Back to project of the day before muscles get too sore. Dinner? Late of course then back to the project. 10 pm realize that scriptures haven't been read yet and no one seems to care about bedtime. Bedtime routine begins, and finally at 11:53 pm I climb into bed to check messages and slow down my thinking and ignore my screaming muscles and the still very long list of only the most important things.

I'm tired of hearing about others' long days of working on projects for 10 hours a day expecting sympathy and help. Tired of things not being done -- definitely headed in the right direction but not there yet. Tired of hauling furniture by myself, laughing at "team lift" warnings, being told "no, you can't do that" and having to pay for massages. My long days won't end at least until the outside of the house is painted -- you know, likely this fall. 

Good night, I hope for a content six hours but excited I get a nap tomorrow because I work night shift. 

Because flowers make me smile, from my front bed. 

Mexican Primrose

Is your hut on fire?

I worked both Saturday and Sunday nights a few weeks ago without a good nap Saturday which leads to missing church 99% of the time. I always try to make up for it through a talk or perhaps topical study. Yesterday as I was doing dishes and some reflective thinking my mind wandered to prayer, largely in part from a conversation with a friend.

As I was thinking about my very hardest Hard Things I've struggled through often feeling disappointed that if my prayers had been answered then I wouldn't have needed to experience the trial following my prayers and pleading. Today I realized that the Hard Things have been the answers to my faithful prayers.  I am trying to think of an example that is shareable and everything coming to mind is too close to my heart for me to throw around the online world but I keep thinking of the story "Is Your Hut on Fire"

A man was shipwrecked on a deserted island by himself.  He began praying to be rescued and began gathering food and building a shelter.  After a few days he has a hut built and a spear.  He goes in search of food and while he is gone he notices smoke from the area of his camp.  When he gets close enough he sees his hut is on fire and becomes angry and frustrated.  He had done everything in his power to survive and now this???  Why wasn't his prayer answered?  The next morning he wakes to the sound of a ship that rescued him.  He asked the ship's captain how he knew anyone was on the island and the captain replied "we saw your smoke signal"

My hut has been on fire, and in the midst of the fire all I could see were flames and felt discouraged, weak, and down but the Hard Things, my fires, have all been the answer to my most sincere prayers.

~Heather

One week

I can't believe how quickly one week passes and it's all I have left with so much to do. This past week was productive, even my lazy Saturday, and my load seems much lighter. Once again a truck/trailer and muscles are needed. I think I'm going to put truck on the list.

I did get the bed situation figured out, still keeping an eye open for one more, but we are mostly good. Even scored an awesome new couch that is a perfect ugly. The couches, that's where I need help. Both couches need to get out of the front room and new ugly couch and piano moved in. Blue couch needs to be down here and then the other couch, both love seats need to go to the dump. See?  Muscles and a truck/trailer. 

With work I only have Wednesday, Thursday morning and Friday afternoon evening. My goal is to be done Friday in time to relax and maybe catch a movie? We'll see how that actually goes. 

Happy

I mentioned the other day that I've been happy lately and I've wanted to expand on that idea. So often the world thinks that happy comes from external forces. Lack of trials, Hard Things missing in your life, good things happening, a beautiful home, well behaved and talented children. Those things may be fun and exciting and have a Christmas morning type of Happy (like Pharrell Williams Happy) that's not what I'm talking about.

This happy is internal and present even in the midst of Hard Things and absence of wonderful things. It's who I am, who I've fought so hard to find because I knew she was in there somewhere yelling and screaming to be found. I've heard her voice when I can look at the chaos in my life and realize that it's okay, when I look in the mirror and am able to laugh at myself and broken tailbone grateful I went skating still I could see a reflection, or reading a book when my life is hidden behind the words I could feel her close.  She's been nearby but just out of reach for too long.

On a particularly hard day I remembered back to high school and Brother Harr asking me if I ever didn't smile because he hadn't seen it. That's the part of me that's is back. My resting face smile has returned. Just like meeting an old friend I know the date and time she found me. I feel more like myself than I have in years. Hard Things are still all around and I don't know how I'm going to do everything I'm suppose to much less everything I want to but I have a smile on my face, peace in my heart and faith that everything is going to be okay. 

To those who stood by me and drug me through my mucky days I am forever thankful. The muck would have swallowed me up if you hadn't been there. Thank you. 

Just because flowers make me happy

~Heather ❤️

To Mothers Everywhere

You are amazing and wonderful!

The one constant of motherhood I've seen since before I had kids has been the vicious circle of judgement and comparing. I remember thinking of how things were suppose to be, not just for me but how things should just work.  For everyone.  

Best picture I've seen in a long time!

I've learned more bit by bit and when Michael was a baby I realized that those I still felt a little judgmental towards once I'd take the time to listen to their story I understood why they made the choices they did and the judgment dissolved away.  Most of my "this is the right way" thinking went out the window at high speeds when I had Charlet.  I can't think of anything I said starting with "I will never" or "my kids won't" that hasn't come back around to bite me.  Life isn't perfect and nothing follows plans how one hopes they will.

The past few days I've noticed or heard of several Mom's having to defend their choice to stay at home to either society in general, neighbors, strangers who feel it appropriate to comment on others parenting choices, and online social networking.  It makes me sad that judgments are thrown around in all directions.  Women who plan on staying at home and rearing their children are told that the college education they are working hard at is a waste of time since they just want to stay at home. Someone with an in demand degree makes the choice to stay at home or work a job that the hours are better for their family life is throwing that knowledge away demeans the hard work and value, financial and family, of having a mom be home with the children.  

The infinite list of people who tell me {yes, this one is personal} "I know you are busy but if you just XYZ for 15-20 minutes a night then this one small aspect will improve and be wonderful!"  then my mind hears some sarcastic comment that I hopefully manage to keep inside.  It's like an eternal list of ways and reasons I'm not perfect and never will be because 15-20 minutes X 3 kids X endless number of XYZ items + full time job + housework = impossible.  Stay at home moms who on frustrating days of teething babies and answering "why?" every 45 seconds telling their neighbor that they wish they could go to work but they love their children too much to leave them with a babysitter to raise them because children need their mothers makes it easy to feel like anyone who does work and leaves kids with a babysitter doesn't love their kids as much.

Then there are people like where I use to be.  Generalized situation, this parenting choice is best regardless.  At least until certain situations come around and then it's acceptable but you are still settling for less than ideal and who doesn't want ideal for their family?  I was once informed by a local busy body that it's okay that I work since I "have to" followed up with a poor Heather sigh.  Yes right now I have to work, most single parents don't have a choice.  Some days I sit in my car before I clock in worrying about how the kids are doing or cry about missing a treasured event or feel guilty when I look at the clock and realize it's 5 pm and I haven't talked to any of the kids after school because we've been busy but my phone shows several missed calls from them.  Other nights I go to sleep grateful I get to come to work in the morning because that day at home with the kids was long, hard, and I want a break.

I wonder if the self judging that mothers around the globe seem to excel at is more damaging than the judging from neighbors and society.  They are definitely interconnected and I wish that moms could go to sleep at night confident they had done their best and everything is going to work out just fine.  In my dream world that is the one thing I would change instead of dragging ourselves and others down we could support each other in our choices.  Whether it's working or staying at home, keeping kids' time unscheduled and free or signing them up for multiple activities, bottle or breastfeeding, or small decisions like taking time to talk and watch the sunset instead of having a perfect reading record and laundry all done.  

With that I'll step off my soapbox and hope for the next 90 minutes to hurry past so I can go home and sleep.

Cancer Sucks

I miss my 3 West peeps the last few days. Especially today.  So many thoughts and feelings running through my head that I can't share other than cancer sucks. Friends that I wonder how they are doing, comfy chairs I'd sit in and eat hot tamales. 

One more time, cancer sucks. 

Soooo tired

It's been a full, full day starting at the rental to check out some renters (anyone looking for a place to live?) then onto things I can't detail out just yet. Kaede wanted to do an Easter Egg hunt for Kaleb and Emmitt which I believe was more helpful with her having something to do. We sure do love those boys and Miss Ruby was so sweet today too. I've talked to tons of people, made lots of arrangements all while wearing painting clothes and looking a lot like I could use a hot bath and pampering. I didn't realize how rough I looked until I peeked in the mirror. Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm excited for tomorrow but already exhausted and I have cake to make still. And other stuff too. I've found it easy to slip into grumpy land today about having to do this on my own then I realize how many people are helping and then I'm just overwhelmed. 

Wishes

The spring before Kaede turned 3 she woke me up with an excited level of about 9 on a 0-10 scale. She drug me out to look out the window at our yard.

I looked out and sighed. So many weeds, so little grass in our lawn, so many dandelions gone to seed after I'd tried to kill them last fall. The excitement from not yet 3 year old Kaede pulled me out of sulking. "We are the luckiest people in the world Mom, just look!"  I looked and couldn't see anything to be particularly excited about much less anything from behind the old drafty window at a yard that needed a complete overhaul. The sparkle in Kaede's eye and the excitement seeping out of everywhere made me look again. 

Weeds, dead lawn, old porch, dirty window and no clue what had Kaede so excited. She took me by the hand to the yard and Vanna White style she pointed at  the lawn and said "Look !"  Our yard is full of wishes!  We are so lucky Mom. 

Kaede still calls dandelions that have gone to seed "wishes" and her perspective on life, Hard Things, and weeds is what I kept thinking about during this last conference when they discussed being grateful. It's not a list she writes or a cute meme posted to Facebook it's just in every part of her and how she lives her life. I hope she never looses that part of her. She has seen more than her fair share of hard things and still manages to be smiling from her soul with gratitude.  

My house is so very kind

It has been patient through Feb and March never once failing in patience waiting for me to clean. Several science experiment practices plus the real science project, Kaede's stress ball factory (flour everywhere!), dinners to be delivered, rolls to be made it needs a full day worth of attention.

That day is not tomorrow. Tomorrow I am hoping to finish painting my room downstairs so it can cure and then stuff can be hauled down next week sometime. I look around the house after today's crazy long shift with my body screaming for bed and dishes sitting and waiting oh so patiently, laundry remnants from our last folding marathon that if not productive was definitely memory making. 

Oh, Kaedeism of the day. Heading into scripture time she said "is it still that really confusing guy? When does he stop writing?"  Yeah, we are in 2 Nephi and have been for what seems like a really long time. Charlet has been picking up on some of Isiah's beautiful imagery, eventually we will hit the stories Kaede recognizes, in just about a week. 

Grateful

Tonight as I lay not sleeping I can't help but feel overwhelming gratitude, not so much for my Hard Things but for the perspective and growth I've received. My heart is full tonight and I have no one to share it with except for you.

I went for a short, slow walk today in the cold and wind. It wasn't an enjoyable walk by any means but along the way I took this picture. 

Tree blossoms

The walk sucked, but this moment, this phone picture was worth it. 

I don't know how long the feeling will last, but for now I can clearly see that my Hard Things will be worth it (eventually) provided I can hold tight to the truths I know.  As hard as it is to think about and hope for my timing to match up with God's timing tonight I will be patient. Instead of sharing my thoughts and feelings with a best friend I will share it on my blog (sorry for the rambling and side roads)

A new favorite scripture is Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. (Luke 22:42) I've never had a cup I've wanted removed as much as I do now, but I know when I choose to follow the Lord's will things turn out better than is possible for me to imagine.  Nevertheless, not my will but thine.  I pray for the guidance to know what that will is and for the strength and courage to continue and the perspective needed to remain grateful. 

~H

Progress? In baby steps? Mini baby steps?

I had originally wanted to get my bedroom done and both me and Kaede moved downstairs by my birthday. I should have realized exactly how unrealistic of a goal that was with work, kids, housework, my March motivational level.

I'm getting closer, and I think I'm going to enjoy having the downstairs to relax in and take some of the over crowding from upstairs. By closer I mean the rugs downstairs shampooed, the back door put on (it doesn't fit right, it warped in the garage so I'm waiting for help there) a new light put up in the laundry room, glass ordered for the backdoor and the back porch window. Oh, and colors finally picked out. 

The ceiling will be a darker gray and still undecided about the floor. It might end up being just a rug found at a later date. 

I was recently asked if there was something that I enjoy doing that I haven't been lately and I couldn't come up with much besides shooting but that's pointless with a dead computer anyways.  Today I realized I might not have a hobby I've been neglecting but I have projects that were going to be winter projects that haven't gone anywhere yet so I will work on them, trying to balance that with all the other stuff I have to do. 

I am going to need help "moving" downstairs and I hate asking for help so instead I'm offering to trade help moving big things for a pan of cinnamon rolls. It's a fair trade isn't it?  Let me know if you're interested in cinnamon rolls. 

~H