Sometimes I sit here or on my bed with my journal and pens wishing that what I'm feeling could skip past my mind and end up on paper. Today is one of those days. Somewhere inside of me there is a lesson I need to remember, or one I am suppose to share but I don't know what it is and it's largely trapped inside making my heart ache and everything I say just feels like a huge whine that no one wants to listen to.
I've been on 3 walks today, typically about the point I get tired my mind stops racing and I come home feeling a little better, even if it's just temporarily. Today was different. I'm exhausted and my leg is throbbing and my mind is still making a continuous list of all the ways I will never be enough anything. I'm coming to the conclusion that if there is something I am excited about or looking forward to I don't dare get excited -- it hurts less if you didn't count on something exciting before it all goes awry.
I have tomorrow night off and *whispers* no kids. Also, no plans. It's my birthday weekend and I'm quickly realizing that while I want it to be fun and happy it really is just a painful reminder of the past. I refuse to sit at home alone tomorrow, but I don't know what I'll do. My favorite dinner place is actually a lunch place, I have no idea what is in the theaters and trying to plan something is just another thing to add onto my list. I'm not even going to mention the stress Sunday night is causing.
On my walk I went up 150 W, where I use to walk every time because that's how far the walky talky would reach. I passed houses of people who have made a huge impact on my life and who I am that I haven't talked with in forever. If it hadn't been dinner time I may have stopped to visit but I don't think I could put words to "how are you" so I kept walking. I snaked through the blocks looking for the house on one of the streets between the elementary school and high school that is always full of daffodils long before my bloom -- I couldn't find it.
I did find noises of spring though, kids were in a backyard laughing and having fun and the sound of a skateboard was soft in the background from the park at the school and someone had meat on the grill that smelled wonderful. I tried to smile inside at the sound and smells of my favorite time of year and I couldn't.
By this time I was hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and just let the flood of emotions run. Feelings of inadequacy and frustration, trying to accept how everything was hitting all at once without sending myself spinning off. The setting sun and evening chill biting at my cheeks had me turn towards home.
I hope today is an anomaly and that my walks are as therapeutic as they use to be, I think of all the frustrations I've left alone my route and hope that I've picked up -- it is still is there isn't it?
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