How are you doing?

It's amazing the difference a sincere pause makes.  Last week I was asked "how are you doing?" followed by a moment of silence.  I mumbled something about being fine and doing okay but as I've thought back I truly appreciate the sincerity and care behind the question.   As I laid in bed trying unsuccessfully to sleep I realized that I couldn't answer because I didn't know.  I've been going through the motions and things have been getting done, but none of it with purpose.  I'm not sleeping well, it seems like Neil sleeps better when I'm watching him and he needs his sleep. 

It feels a little like I'm walking through a haunted house, down a long hallway with spooky music where nothing is happening except you know that out of one of those doors something is going to jump out at you.  It's not the monsters that jump out that are the scariest, it's the long hallway with nothing but anticipation.  I've even put things that I am doing for me (or things that need to get done but that I enjoy and count as me time) as task status and I'm doing them without purpose which leads me to gaining nothing from the activities but a check mark.

I keep waiting for the current thing to be finished so that things can calm down and return to normal.  It started in elementary school when I wanted to be in high school.  Then I wanted to graduate and go away to college.  What about after I'm married?  When I have babies?  When the babies aren't babies?  When I go back to school?  When I get divorced?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  I explain it to the youth like in school.  You can't wait for the semester to finish and have finals behind you.  Then on Monday a new semester starts with new assignments, expectations and tasks.  As soon as one thing is finished another most certainly comes along.  I'm not going to push my peace back until trials and stress aren't around anymore, I'm going to find my peace now.  Purposefully.

I'm going to find time each Sunday to answer "how are you doing?" to myself with complete honesty--I refuse to get lost among the anxiety and stress. 

We finished-ish the Christmas tree today too, a box of special ornaments are MIA but I will venture into the garage tomorrow to look for them and our non-tree decorations.  Neil doesn't feel normal yet, but he felt up to helping us hang the balls and hunt for his Raiders ornament for a short time before bed.  I'm going to turn out all the lights and just be for a few minutes before I head to bed.