How are you doing?

It's amazing the difference a sincere pause makes.  Last week I was asked "how are you doing?" followed by a moment of silence.  I mumbled something about being fine and doing okay but as I've thought back I truly appreciate the sincerity and care behind the question.   As I laid in bed trying unsuccessfully to sleep I realized that I couldn't answer because I didn't know.  I've been going through the motions and things have been getting done, but none of it with purpose.  I'm not sleeping well, it seems like Neil sleeps better when I'm watching him and he needs his sleep. 

It feels a little like I'm walking through a haunted house, down a long hallway with spooky music where nothing is happening except you know that out of one of those doors something is going to jump out at you.  It's not the monsters that jump out that are the scariest, it's the long hallway with nothing but anticipation.  I've even put things that I am doing for me (or things that need to get done but that I enjoy and count as me time) as task status and I'm doing them without purpose which leads me to gaining nothing from the activities but a check mark.

I keep waiting for the current thing to be finished so that things can calm down and return to normal.  It started in elementary school when I wanted to be in high school.  Then I wanted to graduate and go away to college.  What about after I'm married?  When I have babies?  When the babies aren't babies?  When I go back to school?  When I get divorced?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  I explain it to the youth like in school.  You can't wait for the semester to finish and have finals behind you.  Then on Monday a new semester starts with new assignments, expectations and tasks.  As soon as one thing is finished another most certainly comes along.  I'm not going to push my peace back until trials and stress aren't around anymore, I'm going to find my peace now.  Purposefully.

I'm going to find time each Sunday to answer "how are you doing?" to myself with complete honesty--I refuse to get lost among the anxiety and stress. 

We finished-ish the Christmas tree today too, a box of special ornaments are MIA but I will venture into the garage tomorrow to look for them and our non-tree decorations.  Neil doesn't feel normal yet, but he felt up to helping us hang the balls and hunt for his Raiders ornament for a short time before bed.  I'm going to turn out all the lights and just be for a few minutes before I head to bed.

Home For The Holidays

For the kids to be able to come to Beaver for any length of time we needed to come over today. I am still incredibly not ready for Christmas but with the exception of Grandma's popcorn and chocolate dipping the pretzels I am as done as it is going to get.
I sit here at home working on Charlet's scarf that likely won't get done wishing for the peace I typically find at home to be found.   There is definitely less stress here -- maybe because I can't do anything about the stressors while I am here. Maybe if weather cooperates I can walk around the walking trail.

Never Again!

Every year I say that next year I'm going to be more on top of things.  Not as rushed, etc.  This year may be the worst year for how far behind I am, and I've not had anyone come up behind me to help {I'm not complaining, feels good to be independent -- except of course for the things I'd like help with LOL}  Kids want to spend time in Beaver which means deadline for us moved up a couple of days and I'm still wiped out from this last work stretch {somewhat wondering if I'm trying to come down with something, I'm not just tired my body is on a full fledge strike}

Just like every other year, I'm not doing this again this way.  If I can manage to avoid Wal-mart completely between Thanksgiving and New Years Day I'll consider it a success.  I keep reminding myself "no matter how unready you are, Christmas day is wonderful"  Right?

I am right, aren't I?

Part of why I'm frustrated this year is that I wanted to do 'neighbor gifts' not just out of obligation or habit but because I really appreciate how much easier my life is because of neighbors who go above and beyond their neighborly duty whether it's giving the kids a ride or listening to me when I need to talk to someone besides myself.  It's not things that I feel obliged to do, it's things I want to do and can't that are frustrating for me.

Just like always, maybe next year.

The Great Big Giant List of Everything That Must Be Done (TGBGLETMBD)

I never, ever finish up The Great Big Giant List of Everything That Must Be Done (TGBGLETMBD).  Ever.  It's more of a wish list than reality and I'm okay with how that goes.  A few years ago I realized looking back that no matter how unready for Christmas I was when Christmas Day finally came everything was just fine.  Family, fun, some special holiday magic and I never worried about what I didn't get done.

This year I think I'm going for a record of how much gets undone and I don't have a really good reason -- or even a really bad reason.  I'm trying to let it go knowing how everything will work out in the end but I don't even have TGBGLETMBD to drop things off of as time, money, and energy run out.  I haven't felt my typical Christmas Scroogey self this year -- until this week when the reality of working 7 out of the last 8 nights, money, time, and wishlists all came crashing together in a colossal bang {maybe that's what happened to my kitchen?!?}  I'm exhausted today and flaked out on some obligations and I sit here fighting back sleep at 7:30.

The sting of being a single Mom at Christmas hit me hard today too.  I enjoy planning out Christmas with someone.  Talking about what to get, trying to find something special for everyone and working on my yarn project of the year getting feedback on how it looks.  That doesn't happen by yourself and has always been one of my "I wish my life were like" dreams.

Halfway through Christmas day the kids go with their Dad until they go back to school on the 7th.  I'm looking forward for a chance to get the house caught back up,tackle the laundry monster, perhaps work on my front room walls again.

'twas the week before Christmas

This reminds me of 2 Christmases ago when I had nothing done for Christmas, nothing prepped, nothing.  After Gromps died I had a friend look around my living room and ask "Heather, what can we do to help?"  Through tears I said I don't even know.  "Can we wrap?"  Well, I haven't bought anything to wrap.  So the conversation went and through my frustration he saw what he could do -- and did way more than I ever expected.

This year circumstances are different.  I'm not stressed about Christmas this year and I've enjoyed the concerts the devotionals etc.  I haven't sad down in frustration about all things I'd like to do and can't.  I've enjoyed what I could do.  

I work through Thursday (1/2 shift) and hope to be able to make some ganache so I can dip truffles on Friday morning.  Debating about when to go to Beaver, I have the kids over the weekend until halfway through Christmas day.  

This afternoon when I woke up I laid in bed fighting making a list of how I've not been a great friend to everyone who has been wonderful to me, how I've not baked and dipped chocolated, how I've not even made the Great Big Giant List of Everything That Must Be Done, how I've not {fill in a long list} and tried to fight back the perfectionist side of me.  I took time to mourn this Christmas season, time to heal and rest my legs, but that time has to come from somewhere and now I'm looking at my working 7 out of 8 days {had last night off for Kaede's concert} and trying hard to remember that no matter how ill prepared we are for Christmas, Christmas day is wonderful.

Wonder what the chances of being on call at all this week are?  {yeah, those of you who have seen our census go ahead and laugh}