How are you doing?

It's amazing the difference a sincere pause makes.  Last week I was asked "how are you doing?" followed by a moment of silence.  I mumbled something about being fine and doing okay but as I've thought back I truly appreciate the sincerity and care behind the question.   As I laid in bed trying unsuccessfully to sleep I realized that I couldn't answer because I didn't know.  I've been going through the motions and things have been getting done, but none of it with purpose.  I'm not sleeping well, it seems like Neil sleeps better when I'm watching him and he needs his sleep. 

It feels a little like I'm walking through a haunted house, down a long hallway with spooky music where nothing is happening except you know that out of one of those doors something is going to jump out at you.  It's not the monsters that jump out that are the scariest, it's the long hallway with nothing but anticipation.  I've even put things that I am doing for me (or things that need to get done but that I enjoy and count as me time) as task status and I'm doing them without purpose which leads me to gaining nothing from the activities but a check mark.

I keep waiting for the current thing to be finished so that things can calm down and return to normal.  It started in elementary school when I wanted to be in high school.  Then I wanted to graduate and go away to college.  What about after I'm married?  When I have babies?  When the babies aren't babies?  When I go back to school?  When I get divorced?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  I explain it to the youth like in school.  You can't wait for the semester to finish and have finals behind you.  Then on Monday a new semester starts with new assignments, expectations and tasks.  As soon as one thing is finished another most certainly comes along.  I'm not going to push my peace back until trials and stress aren't around anymore, I'm going to find my peace now.  Purposefully.

I'm going to find time each Sunday to answer "how are you doing?" to myself with complete honesty--I refuse to get lost among the anxiety and stress. 

We finished-ish the Christmas tree today too, a box of special ornaments are MIA but I will venture into the garage tomorrow to look for them and our non-tree decorations.  Neil doesn't feel normal yet, but he felt up to helping us hang the balls and hunt for his Raiders ornament for a short time before bed.  I'm going to turn out all the lights and just be for a few minutes before I head to bed.

Ahhhh fall

Yesterday was crazy windy and today I woke to a skiff if snow and iced over car. That said, it's been a beautiful few days. Even Wal-mart seemed peaceful. 

I'm refusing to take credit in this change of perspective but I am grateful for it, even if it is the calm before the storm. I will be better prepared to weather the storm this way. 

This Mountain Before Me

Last night I made a conscience choice to climb this monster of a mountain in front of me instead of walking around it and pretending it doesn't exist.  It's there, I'm going to conquer it. It's going to take me relying on 'my people' for I don't know what yet. I guess at this point I'm just packing all my mountain climbing gear.

I have either talked to or plan to talk to all the people I need to know that I'm climbing in case I start to fall. My journey started with a lot of tears and a Priesthood Blessing. Other homework will have to wait until next week, but that will give me time to gather my gear together.

I don't know what will happen to the blog. For the last year this has been my shoulder to cry on, celebrate with etc. I write more anytime I tackle a mountain but I see this being very personal and specific. I may password some entries, I may go back to my paper journal.  I don't know just yet. If you want a password to a private entry just ask. I may not say yes, but I won't be offended. Maybe that will be tonight, defining my mountain. 

It's time for me to get to work, but starting my morning quiet and thoughtfully has been an amazing blessing. I hope you all have a great day. 

My Escape

A while back I posted a few pictures of the cabin on my quick trip up and back. The cabin was not on the list today, but {surprise!} my plans were turned upside down and my solution was a trip up the mountain. We brought the cousins and I was able to get things opened up a little and chase a few cobwebs away. 

Everything is better at the cabin. 

I can picture Grandpa sleeping on the leather couch

Memories of him teaching me to shoot flies with air from an empty pellet gun, bat hunting in the barn, the summer Grandma would bake in the wood oven. 

Not much has changed and there are some high cobwebs that have been there for who knows how long. 

The summer after we had to read "My Side of The Mountain" I felt like that could be the title for my summer. On the backside of the hill away from all the traffic of Kent's Lake road all you can hear is the gurgle of the stream, buzz of insects in the trees and chatter of chipmunks. I'd ride up with Grandpa and after we'd done whatever needed to be done I'd take off and wander all over the hillside, sometimes following the stream down to the road. 

If there is anywhere on earth to go and remember Grandpa its the cabin. His vision, dream, and work. I could almost hear his soft snoring today as I dusted. 

{Heather} 

Record breaking storm, really long dark night and then

This. 

We had 2.22 to 2.25 inches of rain in an hour last night, on already saturated ground. It not only was record breaking total for a month but we got it in an hour. Did I mention I was outside in it ?  Well, I was. 

Following the storm was a long, never ending night. A very dark night. 

I walked out of the hospital to this peaceful sky, and said a quiet little prayer that this is a metaphor for my life. 

That said I'm going to bed. My good intentions of making it to Sacrament meeting are dashed by my record breaking tired and headache. 

G'night y'all

{Heather} 

Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy

I truly treasure this book. Not long after I first bought it I realized it was going to look like my seminary scriptures. 

It's gotten me through some rough times and things that have been truly horrible. 

I sat at lunch today, mid yard work break and completely looking like yard work in the wind, and read while munching on my sweet potato fries.  I've used it as a reference regularly, but its been a while for me to do a cover to cover read of it. I think I'm going to again. 

I think I will see if a friend will read a specific chapter for me, I'd love to have someone to talk to about it. 

{Heather}

Peace

It just so happens that after my standard crazy day that follows an unplanned {and un slept for} shift has left me with some peace.  For right now, I know I'm doing okay.  Even if just for tonight, my house is filled with love and peace among the bickering and list of chores not yet done.

A long talk with a friend that I look up on a regular basis, several walks, an attempt at humor that turned worse {well, funnier?} than intended rolled into evening softball games.  I have got to figure something different out for dinner on softball nights, but we're finally all fed.  I sat on the swing at twilight for my favorite 15 minutes of the week wishing it could last longer.

Sitting and waiting for the girls tonight when I realized how much peace has followed me through today and I started to wonder how?  With all of life's current chaos and stress {including the really, really long list of things I can't do anything about and refuse to accept} and has difficult of a Mother's Day as yesterday was today has been  peaceful.  Some of it I can make sense of, I had two different conversations with amazing people -- but I often talk to them on really bad days and while I end up being encouraged and perhaps finding enough strength for just one more hour they don't turn my entire mood around.  Then the story Richard G. Scott tells in Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy about being troubled by something, turning to prayer and then taking a nap to wake up to peace.  Never having a similar experience I filed it away into my memory of "that's cool" where things sometimes get lost forever until today.

I can't remember the answer {yes, I know now what I'm reading tonight} but in response to the overwhelming peace Richard G. Scott asks how it is done.  I only remember the beginning of the story, not the end but will search for it tonight.  I'd say I'll come back and edit the information in, but I know better than to promise something like that.

I have had several friends on my mind today, some I've known less than a year but have been great to talk to and laugh with {even as I'm ignoring my oh so sore tailbone} others I've known longer, for as long as we've lived in Cedar and some friends from my childhood and high school years.  I truly am blessed with great friends during most of my life, I get far more from them than I give.  Games of hopscotch and jump rope have changed for playing "weed or flower" or being grateful that we're both too tired and too hot to go for a walk on the time we'd arranged to go walking and settle instead for sitting and chatting.  Local help is only a phone call away and slightly less tangible support lives inside my computer and has seen me through twice weekly weight checks, endless appointments, moving, Monday night hijinks and so much more. Thank you so much for the part you play in my life, I am grateful for all of my friends and the impact they have on my life.

It's just this side of tomorrow and I have laundry to switch over, a couch to reassemble, and a story to find.  I hope everyone can catch a moment of the peace I've had today.

{Heather}

Silent echoes

The house is empty tonight, just me and the dogs and quiet is echoing from the corners of the house the way sadness can echo through your body.  The quiet is deafening.

My mind rewinds time like an old VCR whining and clunky, stopping at all the worst scenes that I wish were edited out and it feels like I am in a time machine.  March seems like eons past while in the same instant only a breath ago.  The juxtaposition of time sends me spinning in a circle, praying to stop when there is a clear, broad view of the strength of the mountains, solace of a winding stream and peace of a still lake.

A long prayerful walk slows, but does not stop, this infernal time warp as I see glimpses of friendly faces, trustworthy friends and beautiful spring flowers.  A deep breath smells of daffodils, warm cookies, and a welcome hug.  

The walk isn't long enough, being leashed to the chaos, not allowed to wander too far and I fight hopelessly against the spinning and resign to the dizziness, at least for now. The house is still silent with emptiness everywhere.  With each breath I can hear whispers of hope shared over the weekend, too soft to understand their magnitude. 

***Thanks for humoring my attempt at getting how I feel out, and no I wasn't trying for any great literary works I just needed to share.  ~Heather***