Clarification, rambling, and an update of sorts

Someone needs to take away my ability to write a blog post from my phone while tired.   Even typing >70 wpm my thoughts sometimes run faster than my fingers, pecking out a post on my phone does not do any kind of service to me getting across how I am feeling.

There are a few things that I can say with strong certainty right now.  Friends, family and neighbors care about me and my family and I have several people that if needed I could {and have} called before and after acceptable calling hours for something.  I am very grateful not even daily but hourly for them.

I don't know if the last little bit I've hit a social "how are you doing?" but if I have I haven't noticed.  I have noticed a lot of sincere faces with listening ears {I know, I'm not talking to kids here but it still applies} that have asked "how are you doing?"  often in those conversations include a just as sincere "let me know if there is anything I can do for you"  I know people care.  I know there are friends that know that the answer is going to be "not okay" if a bunch of new flowers show up in my yard.

I've had amazing help the last several years, from a well timed "want to go get a coke?" to muscle strength helping me move things I can't move alone or helping me get rid of the infernal rose thicket.  Twice.  Wait, this year makes three.  A few Christmas's ago before Gromps' funeral my answer when asked what can we do for you was "I don't even know"  Maybe I didn't know, but they did -- and they acted above and beyond anything I could imagine.

That doesn't include the plethora of people who worry about the kids when I'm at work and are willing to give them rides here there and everywhere, including keeping them in line when needed and having them help out on their farm.  I don't know what but I don't doubt that there is a lot more that I could fit into this section.

I know people care, retaught so much when asked at one of the late night calls "what's going on" and my answer was "I can't say right now"  What was happening was definitely secondary to how I was doing.  That few minutes taught me more than I realized -- I hope that farther down the road I can think back and get more out of that experience, and perhaps be that person for someone else.

What I wondered was does how really matter.  As long as the list of stuff gets done, why does the how matter when it comes down to it.

I don't know the answer, but I'm past wondering now -- filing it away into a file of things I wish I never was in a place to feel.  It's turning into a pretty big file.

For everyone wondering how, I'm managing to get up each morning {or equivalent for whatever my shift is} and brushing my teeth.  My sarcasm is coming back at times and I'm playing softball this year on city league. I can even smile a little at the comparison of being told "we just need another girl on the roster" to being picked last for kickball in elementary school.  I still got picked, and I'm hoping softball proves to be a good outlet for me right now.  I do think I'm going to have more color in my front yard this year than I ever have before.

This is what got me out of bed this morning when I nearly turned off the alarm and hid under the covers.

How are you?

Well, how are you?

Or, why does it matter? I don't doubt that there are people who sincerely care how I'm doing but I am wondering why it matters. Friends and neighbors have helped me in some amazing ways and millions of small ways and I am so very grateful, but does how I'm doing really matter? Why?

I'm feeling a little volatile lately and starting to think I should come with a hazard placard.

Happy Birthday SuperGirl

I'm not quite certain how this not even 6 lbs of love and joy {sorry, it's the littlest picture of her I can find online--I will find something better when I get home}

turned into this teenager who does crazy fun things like fall off of cliffs on purpose and then does it again.

She is one amazing SuperGirl who makes me proud of her every single day.  She's a wonderful friend, daughter and sister and somehow I am priviledged enough to have her be part of my family.  Love you!

Think about someone else -- I triple dog dare you

Tonight for FHE we had a mini lesson and activity.  There was no way I could put much else together, but it was something and something we were doing together and that's the point right?

We talked a little about gratitude, specifically being thankful for the people in our lives from friends, neighbors, ward members, teachers and others who it's their job to help us and perhaps a stranger who says the right thing at the right time that makes you smile.  It wouldn't take long for me to make a really long list.  If you are grateful for something it's only proper to say thank you in some way, right?  A plate of cookies seems fairly standard and honestly around this house is always welcome.

Waiting for me to have time and energy on the same day to be able to make said plate of pretty goodies that also tastes delicious?  Not going to happen anytime soon.

Sharing some of the eggs from the chickens?  That we can do without much stress or making it seem like another thing we have to do.  Right now if I have another 'thing' added to my list I may just crack and saying thank you really isn't about stressing anyone out is it?  I'm fairly certain the people we delivered to tonight have done such a good job of helping me out at just the right time not so I could stress about an appropriate thank you later on.

Stress free we walked some eggs around the neighborhood, complete with glittered up egg cartons {why oh why did I buy glitter?!?!?}  to put into action our lesson.

In the past I've given service at times I'm stressed/depressed/etc. but it's always been for someone who really needed something.  I don't know that egg delivering counts as service per say, but doing something for someone else just because and thinking of them and how grateful we are for their part in our lives put smiles on all our faces leaving me with a couple hyper girls with big sincere smiles that made it so I couldn't help but smile.

Tonight's lesson was fairly spontaneous and pulled me out of where I was to where I needed to be, even if it's just for the night.  So tomorrow if you see the opportunity do something small for someone else.  A small sincere compliment can make someone's day and help turn yours around if you'll let it.

So very grateful for all the 'egg'cellant people in my life {yes, I know it's not an original joke but it makes me smile}

Yeah, I know one is missing...

~Heather

PALS

For non-health care friends:
BLS:  Basic Life Support aka CPR class.  Everyone who comes in contact with patients in the hospital is required to have this.
ACLS: Advance Cardiac Life Support.  We do CPR, meds, airways -- basically everything that could happen in a code blue, although not exactly as shown on evening TV.  Required in ER, ICU, OB, and OR
PALS:  Pediatric Advance Life Support.  Little ones who are way too little to be as sick as they are who may need a lot of support to stay alive until they can be fixed.  Fixed all too often doesn't happen though. Required in ER, ICU, and OR???  I'm not certain where else except for my job locations.
NRP:  Neonatal Resuscitation Program. PALS for babies up to 30 days old.  Required in OB and I'm not certain if it is anywhere else.

Nurses don't have to retest to renew their nursing license, we just mail off a check to DOPL and we're good.  These certifications are where it all comes down to, and timing for me this year stinks.  ACLS in March, PALS this month.

I knew I had PALS coming up, I rescheduled it very end of March because of life chaos.  2 weeks wasn't far enough.  Someone please remind me in two years to take these recert classes a few months before they are due instead of the same month.  After this one I think I'm good on my certifications until next year when I need TNCC.

Guess who forgot to pick up a PALS book to study?  Yup.

Guess who's mind has been everywhere but work unless I'm clocked in?  Yup.

I could keep playing the guess who game but every answer would be me, including who's fault is it?  We don't deal with kids often and while I've used my PALS assessment skills there has only been once that we've had to heavily intervene with a kid on my watch, another that I knew enough to be very watchful and was worried.

You don't use it you lose it.

I have to recertify tomorrow, with my mind still going elsewhere.  I have no idea how I'm going to focus at 7 am on well, anything to be honest.  It's a recert class not a certification so just reviewing and testing to make sure I still remember everything.

I don't stress over tests, but this is as close as I've ever come.  I don't like very ill little ones, they make me very nervous and I always pull out reference material.  Little ones aren't just small adults they are entirely different and it's not just like you have peds and adults.  You have adults, newborns, infant, baby, toddler, pre-school age, school age, adolescents and they are all a little different.  ACLS you just have adults -- the end.

There always seems to be more on the line when the patient is so young, so new, so full of potential, so delicate.  Just a few months ago I was wanting us to have NRP as an option because we had such a tiny baby in ICU and I never even took care of him.  The education is great, the timing for this class sucks but I have no choice, it's a requirement for ICU.

Since I have to be awake, coherent, and learning tomorrow at 7 I should get to bed.

Silent echoes

The house is empty tonight, just me and the dogs and quiet is echoing from the corners of the house the way sadness can echo through your body.  The quiet is deafening.

My mind rewinds time like an old VCR whining and clunky, stopping at all the worst scenes that I wish were edited out and it feels like I am in a time machine.  March seems like eons past while in the same instant only a breath ago.  The juxtaposition of time sends me spinning in a circle, praying to stop when there is a clear, broad view of the strength of the mountains, solace of a winding stream and peace of a still lake.

A long prayerful walk slows, but does not stop, this infernal time warp as I see glimpses of friendly faces, trustworthy friends and beautiful spring flowers.  A deep breath smells of daffodils, warm cookies, and a welcome hug.  

The walk isn't long enough, being leashed to the chaos, not allowed to wander too far and I fight hopelessly against the spinning and resign to the dizziness, at least for now. The house is still silent with emptiness everywhere.  With each breath I can hear whispers of hope shared over the weekend, too soft to understand their magnitude. 

***Thanks for humoring my attempt at getting how I feel out, and no I wasn't trying for any great literary works I just needed to share.  ~Heather***

I love you

I written several things in here trying to describe how I feel tonight but it all comes down to I love you more than you will ever understand. I would do absolutely anything for you.

Ummm, ouch

This weekend has been fun. Painful, but fun.

I entered the weekend carrying a hefty load of emotional pain that a long walk didn't clear away. I was determined to not spend my birthday weekend at home being all mopey. I went to the movies with a couple of friends, Nicholas Sparks movie for good measure.

Afterwards someone asked why I picked that movie. It's much easier to watch the perfect love story and realize it is just a story. Seeing a husband head over heels puppy dog in love after years together is hard.

Saturday I went roller skating. Or roller falling. My hands are bruised and the pain in my tailbone is keeping me awake. I am propped on my side realizing that every 2 hours might not be often enough to turn patients when they aren't comfy. I'm not comfy. I've said I'm not going to the doc for this because they can't do anything for it. Except maybe give me meds better than ibuprofen. I can't just not sleep but the knife going through my tailbone leaves me here awake and miserable.

Skating was still fun.

Science Fair

The science fair was today, I had originally thought it was tomorrow and getting everything done on time when I'd planned on doing it tonight was a challenge.  We did it though.  :-)  Done {until next year} I love science, I love doing science projects {hello bubbles and dry ice!} but I really, really, really dislike the science fair.

Originally Kaede wanted to make a heart that would beat and figure out how to fix her murmur.  I waited for that trend to pass while thinking of heart related projects we could do and cheered a little when she moved on to something else.  In the end we compared quality of color (brightness was our test) between kit dyed eggs and naturally dyed eggs.  My kitchen stunk to high heaven and no one wanted to eat the carrot, orange peel, lemon peel, cumin stew that was left over from trying to make a yellow egg but we are done.

It's walking weather again

Sometimes I sit here or on my bed with my journal and pens wishing that what I'm feeling could skip past my mind and end up on paper.  Today is one of those days.  Somewhere inside of me there is a lesson I need to remember, or one I am suppose to share but I don't know what it is and it's largely trapped inside making my heart ache and everything I say just feels like a huge whine that no one wants to listen to.

I've been on 3 walks today, typically about the point I get tired my mind stops racing and I come home feeling a little better, even if it's just temporarily.  Today was different.  I'm exhausted and my leg is throbbing and my mind is still making a continuous list of all the ways I will never be enough anything.  I'm coming to the conclusion that if there is something I am excited about or looking forward to I don't dare get excited -- it hurts less if you didn't count on something exciting before it all goes awry.

I have tomorrow night off and *whispers* no kids. Also, no plans.  It's my birthday weekend and I'm quickly realizing that while I want it to be fun and happy it really is just a painful reminder of the past.  I refuse to sit at home alone tomorrow, but I don't know what I'll do.  My favorite dinner place is actually a lunch place, I have no idea what is in the theaters and trying to plan something is just another thing to add onto my list.  I'm not even going to mention the stress Sunday night is causing.

On my walk I went up 150 W, where I use to walk every time because that's how far the walky talky would reach.  I passed houses of people who have made a huge impact on my life and who I am that I haven't talked with in forever.  If it hadn't been dinner time I may have stopped to visit but I don't think I could put words to "how are you" so I kept walking.  I snaked through the blocks looking for the house on one of the streets between the elementary school and high school that is always full of daffodils long before my bloom -- I couldn't find it.

I did find noises of spring though, kids were in a backyard laughing and having fun and the sound of a skateboard was soft in the background from the park at the school and someone had meat on the grill that smelled wonderful. I tried to smile inside at the sound and smells of my favorite time of year and I couldn't.

By this time I was hoping I wouldn't run into anyone and just let the flood of emotions run.  Feelings of inadequacy and frustration, trying to accept how everything was hitting all at once without sending myself spinning off.  The setting sun and evening chill biting at my cheeks had me turn towards home.

I hope today is an anomaly and that my walks are as therapeutic as they use to be, I think of all the frustrations I've left alone my route and hope that I've picked up -- it is still is there isn't it?  

Dear Winter

Dear Winter,

Your time on your lease is up at midnight.  I've noticed that you've been packing and not even around at all occasionally.  I think it's great that you've let Spring bring in her crocus blooms and started seeing tulip and daffodil greens as well as letting the robins in.  We would like to thank you for your service, for the snow you've left, for the bitter cold that will make us appreciate spring a little more than usual.

Now, please get out!!!  

I know how easy it is to want to show up just one more time and reminisce about the snowmen and sledding but more than any other year I will be ever so happy to see you in December and not before.

Graciously,
~Heather

CMS Pops Concert, Tales From The Street, Honors Band -- Oh My!

I could have titled this post "Kid Brags" but I didn't.  We've been busy around here, more so than I have video footage of but I have a feeling you don't care about seeing me sort laundry or scrub the toilet.  If you want the highlights you'll need to scroll to the end I posted these in chronological order not best to worst.

I have no video footage, but Charlet just got home from traveling with the Pep Band to the state basketball tournament.  I am glad she was able to go, glad she had fun and crazy happy to have her back home.  Missed her tons and not completely okay with all this growing up she's doing.  Did you know she's old enough in exactly 1 month to get her learner's permit?  eeek, make sure you park away from the streets!

First concert was the CMS Varsity Pops Concert at the middle school.  Michael and 30-ish other students who started out in JV band worked hard this year and exceeded expectations so they took the group of them and broke off another section teaching them the varsity songs.

Party Rock Anthem

Pirates of the Caribbean (this is their challenge piece)

Firework

Dynamite

Halo Theme

Les Mis

Saber Dance (Michael really didn't like the tuba part for this piece)

Bad

Crazy Train!

South's school play was this week too, week before spring break is nearly as bad as just before Christmas!  She was a Brainiac in Tales From The Street.  I only recorded her clip and due to some technical difficults {okay, operator difficulties} I don't even have all of it.  She's middle left with bouncy pigtails and black leggings.

Michael was invited to join the ICSD Honors band for middle school students {yes, I'm proud of him on so many levels, it's amazing to watch him get into something that goes so well and he succeeds at}  They met for the first time at 8 am this morning and worked until about 3:30 with a 5:30 call time for the concert.  They did amazing, even considering my bias and that this is the first time they've played together and really worked on the music.  Dr. Adam Lambert from SUU's music department headed it up.

Part 1 of 4  {yes, the video part is of the seats in front of us, it's better than super crazy way jiggly from trying to find a decent spot to record, normally I try to at least kind of get Michael in there somewhere but that wasn't an option this time}

Part 2 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Part 4 of 4 Pirates of the Caribbean (they stop talking at 3:25)  This is the same piece that they played at the Varsity Pops Concert.

Sunshine and good friends with a side of rambling thoughts

If only I could freeze today and hold onto it for when I get discouraged.  Weather was beautiful here and absolutely gorgeous in St George.  A quick leg check up turned into "hey, we can fix that now"  and for once their version of fixing involved less pain when I left than when I walked in.  He did deny me a complete vessel transplant though.  I started of my morning with a quick chat from someone who always makes me feel a little better about myself, got to see some more 3 West friends since I stopped by there to chat with one of my favorite people.  A slow walk around the block  with DiAnna before going to teach a full room of 12-14 year old boys about first aid was perfect.

Reality is my day isn't much different than normal, I had too much to do to get anything done around the house and very few things are crossed off my to do list and teenagers to deal with.  Visits with friends were short and sweet, nothing extremely out of the ordinary.  What is different?

Me.

Church on Sunday was great, one specific moment more so than the rest.  It turned an "I don't want to" into an "I can do this"  It's not unusual for that kind of day to be followed by some intense nights and pondering -- this was no exception and neither was the peace that always seems to follow.  I'm going to do the things that will keep that peace the longest.  Do my best to preserve today for as long as possible.

I know things will seem hard again and I'll have times that I'm scared and confused and begging for an instruction manual with specific directions for me but I can get through.  I told a student nurse a few weeks ago after a relatively straight forward procedure went awry that when things aren't perfect and things don't go as planned is when you learn the most valuable lessons.  The mistakes you make from forgetting a tegaderm for the IV you just started to medication errors can teach a lesson better than anything else if you let it.  Mistakes will happen, no one wants them to and sometimes it isn't so much a mistake as things just didn't go as planned.  It wasn't until last night I realized that life is the same way we all make mistakes and you can either learn and grow from it and not make the same mistake again and perhaps even be able to apply it to other areas or you can ignore it, not care, or pretend that it didn't happen.