So, Chemo...

It sucks.

Day 1 we spent what feels like most of the day at the cancer clinic getting medications so that the next few hours go smoother with less nausea or any other negative reactions then the cocktail that comprises folfirinox, ending with coming home with a fanny pack holding a home infusion ball full of 5 FU that infuses over the next 46 hours.

Lots of word puzzles, YouTube clips, Facebook browsing and we were done.  No throwing up, no reactions, lots of nerves and worries but over all it went smoothly.  Came home and went for a walk (we're back to slow walks counting as exercise) to get rid of the tired that comes from traveling or otherwise sitting all day.  Neil was tired and his legs felt heavy, but all in all it went well.  That night he couldn't sleep, but morning came anyways.  Day 2 was spent catching up on sleep and spending some time outside {fresh air and sunshine are good for the soul} and commenting on how "this isn't as bad as I thought it would be" and being very tired of the fanny pack, and tired in general.  Several naps but not a lot of throwing up or wishing he was throwing up.

Chemo Grenade

Today is Day 3.

Day 3 sucks.  Lots of throwing up even with all nausea medications on board and side effects from Irinotican.  My mind is tired and watching Neil be so sick and knowing that it's not going to end anytime soon.  I think back to my blog post Is Your Hut On Fire and remembering that every Hard Thing (big, small, and in between) I've ever dealt with has in one way or another been an answer to my prayers.  Chemotherapy is hard.  It rips at my heart and bring tears to my eyes on a daily basis but it's an answer to my prayers, prayers I didn't even know I'd be saying just a short time ago.

I daily think of the people who have dealt with pancreatic cancer before, when it wasn't treatable but they tried anyways, giving the medical field invaluable data.  We are benefiting from those efforts in ways I wish I could express to their families but I can't.  I have things to be grateful for, ICU remained closed so I was able to stay at home, the families before us, the technology in the little chemo grenade, the last 3 years, friends who call when they are thinking about you.  Even among the gratitude, today was hard.