Wedding Stuff

I can't believe that the 21st is only 3 days away. Everything has fallen into place wonderfully -- beyond what I could have imagined. 

I knew some specifics of what I wanted -- a life together with Neil by my side. The wedding is just one step to get there. I wanted a traditional wedding dress, good food, family and friends. I don't want a tiered wedding cake, reception line, or doing things just because. I especially didn't want cake smashed in my face. I was ok with some kind of tablecloth and the "fancy" clear plastic plates so that people weren't doing dishes forever afterwards. Enter in "more than I could have imagined" my sister-in-laws family being amazing at decorating and making things beautiful.  I walked into Heather's front room and she had a table set with beautiful china and my heart went pitter patter a little inside. In just talking to them they were able to pull together a gorgeous table. Things have been falling into place like that everywhere, down to being able to get the church on short notice, the Bishop not being busy, and the list goes on. 

The fact that every part of this wedding is being pulled together by people who have seen me through some really ugly times and cheered me on, picked me up, or came down into my chaos to help me find my way out means so much to me. Every part means something special.  I can't wait to see it all pulled together and then be able to share it with all of you. 

So here I sit tonight all sappy and grateful my mascara doesn't run easily because I'm confident that I will be a mess on Friday. 

Here is a teaser photo of what I've been working on. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Photography

I'm so rarely happy with pictures of me in front of the camera. I love, love, love being behind the camera. Today Carmina took some family/engagement pictures and I great big huge puffy heart love them. I didn't think to ask if she cared if I snagged one to post here, giving her full credit of course so you'll have to click through to our album. 

https://m.facebook.com/carminahphotography/albums/1552750591610268/

30 Days of Gratitude -- Priesthood

On my short list of Priesthood blessings that have moved me the most are a few I've been present for as an RN.  Something different happens when it's someone you only just met as a patient. It was that kind of day today.  I'm also grateful that oh so very soon there will be a Priesthood leader in my home again. If I take a moment to be quiet and still I can already tell a difference. 

Sorry no picture tonight, I'm exhausted and worn out -- plus I don't have one handy that will work. 

~Heather

30 Days of Gratitude -- Storms (weather and life)

We had our first snow storm of the year on Sunday and I was without power (and therefore heat) for nearly 24 hours. During daylight I enjoyed sitting by the fire cuddled up to Neil but as it started to get dark and crews were without an estimated repair time I worried and the novelty of hunkering down for the storm grew weary. 

The storms that bring us moisture are so necessary in this region.  They allow the fields and crops to grow, my flowers to bloom, and quench the thirsty earth. Often they are inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruin my hair, and cancel fun plans. Vital but not necessarily fun. 

Storms of life are similar. I'm at a point that I can sincerely say I'm grateful for the things I've learned through my storms and Hard Times. The storms were inconvenient, poorly timed, messy, ruined many cute hair days, and I've had to cancel many fun plans. Vital for me learn of my own strength, to grow my own testimony, to learn humility and perspective while drawing closer to Christ. Vital but decidedly not fun. 

~Heather

30 Days of Gratitude -- Diversity

As soon as I could leave work I bolted so that I could get to St George to check out decorations for the wedding so that I knew what I had to work with. We were meeting with Becky's cousin. 

A little background here. When it comes to parties, girls camp, gatherings of any nature I can quickly plan a menu and feed people well. If people are hungry it's their own doing/choice and I've found that well fed people are happy. I care significantly less about decorations, china patterns, etc. It's very hard for me to visualize the end outcome and I'd rather do all kinds of prep work than a difficult clean up. Here is where fancy paper plates and the like come into play and I'm okay with that. 

We walk into Heather's (no I'm not talking about my house) and there is a table set up with a silver tablecloth and blue charger, china set around etc. and it was so much more than okay. As we start talking they are putting things together and soon we have a mock-up of a beautiful table that is absolutely perfect and makes me smile. 

I may be able to feed people but this family can decorate and see the end picture from the beginning and they are so willing to help--they get the credit for everything beautiful that day. I'm grateful for the diversity in talents that is pulling this wedding together (many people are helping in many roles) and their willingness to help. 

Special thanks today to Becky, Heather, Monica, and Sharon. Oh and David for putting up with us. 

Yes I do have a picture but no I'm not sharing it yet, you'll have to either come or wait until after when I get around to posting pictures. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Testimony

It's not yet 10 am and I already have pictures (poor quality phone pics, but that's ok) for four days worth of gratitude. Maybe I can make it all the way through the month. 

Today I am grateful for the strength of my testimony in the Gospel. Like the candlelight I used this morning when the power was out it has given me the ability to see enough to have hope during my darkest times and Hard Things. The days I felt completely isolated and was certain that night had the ability to swallow me up without anyone noticing I knew that Christ was aware of me and understood in a way that only He can. My testimony got me through that night, then the next few weeks hour by hour and sometimes breath by breath. 

Like the candle light above, a testimony positioned properly can be magnified while one hidden and suffocated will die out. As a child my testimony mirrored my parents actions until it was strong enough to grow on it's own, I don't believe that scenario to be very unusual. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Everyday Heroes

For a short time I'd considered not doing 30 Days this year, but I've done it (with varying degrees of success and completion) through photography for the last 10 years.  It's given me better perspective and strength through some rough times. I don't need it this year the way I have others but it's a tradition I don't want to give up and it always refreshes my attitude of gratitude so I'm doing it again.  

I am grateful for everyday heroes. Not just the ones who stories are told about and recognized on the streets but the ones who come to my rescue on stressful busy days when I lock my keys in the car. The stranger who held the door open when I had arms full of toddlers and babies, a kind smile on a bad day. 

My definition of hero is someone who steps up when others don't and they leave the world a better place even if just for a moment. 

~Heather

p.s. I know I haven't updated in forever, but I'm getting married. Nov 21, yes of this year. I'm sure you'll be hearing details in posts to come. 

Warm fuzzies

There is some online bickering tonight among some very real friends of mine. It makes me sad and my heart is feeling a little fragile tonight so I'm taking that extra sensitive and turning it to good. 

Thinking about this group of friends, they've walked me through weekly trips to Orem, twice/month to PCH, tests, procedures, evals, Early Intervention, and IEP fun. We have shared stories, tips on how to best get a stool sample of liquid stool from a diaper, campaigned for funding at Capitol Hill, laughed together and been a friend when things seem lonely and no one else really understands and the world seems lonely. I've cried over children who have passed away, cheered at milestones met years behind schedule and watched kids grow from babies in a stroller over video conferencing to going on trek last summer. It's an amazing group of amazing women and I would have been lost without them. So grateful for technology that keeps us connected. 

I'm similarly grateful for my ward. When they juggled us up I felt lost and invisible. I knew I wasn't, but my heart didn't. All of the people who checked up on me if I missed a Sunday or activity I'd typically be at were gone. I still miss them tons, but I have grown to love our ward. They don't just love and care about my kids in emotions, they use the action form. I can't begin to explain the depth of my appreciation for my ward family for all they do for us and the example they are.  

The weather lately has been beautiful. Amazing storms and gorgeous sunsets with golden leaves up the mountain. 

I have more, but it's late and tomorrow starts early.

~H

It doesn't take much

I have Dad's eyes. Not his beautiful hazel irises but his tear ducts that can occasionally be tight as steel but usually resembles some kind of slow watering system. I never realized growing up that men aren't "suppose" to cry, the men I love the most have excellent tear ducts maintained by frequent flushing.

It's been a great few weeks, and an amazing weekend full of peace, admiration, gratitude, realization and pride in a job well done. It's been amazing and exhausting. I'm beat and not done yet either.  

I worked today, the exact kind of day that is the reason I became a nurse. I didn't walk out feeling like I was wearing a superman cape or had significantly changed the course of well, anything, but I found joy in today. In seeing a patients face light up when his wife walked into the room (adding that to 'the list') and a twinkle come back into his eyes. I didn't do anything spectacular but I was happy to see improvement today and be there for those moments and see family be supportive, loving, and kind. The kind of perfectly normal work day that makes me get all fluffy eyed. 

Driving home my mind ran to a list of different sorts. Things I still needed to do tonight, so I ran to the store and bought the wrong sized sheets, took a break from have to's so I could water the flowers and fill the bird feeders. I walked to the north flower bed and noticed something. 

North Side where the rose thicket still annoys me

I just stood there and cried.  Someone who I can stick a name to came by and mowed down the stupid wild roses that won't die, the weeds, the foxtails, the everything all the way to the back fence. Mowing was on a list, one that wasn't going to be prioritized until next week but in quiet unsung acts of service this ward is a perfect example if what a ward family is and why I can't picture being anywhere else. Those mowed down weeds all whispered "you are loved, and you matter"

Thank you, so very very much. I can't even begin to say how much you mean to me and have since we first moved here. 

Happy

I mentioned the other day that I've been happy lately and I've wanted to expand on that idea. So often the world thinks that happy comes from external forces. Lack of trials, Hard Things missing in your life, good things happening, a beautiful home, well behaved and talented children. Those things may be fun and exciting and have a Christmas morning type of Happy (like Pharrell Williams Happy) that's not what I'm talking about.

This happy is internal and present even in the midst of Hard Things and absence of wonderful things. It's who I am, who I've fought so hard to find because I knew she was in there somewhere yelling and screaming to be found. I've heard her voice when I can look at the chaos in my life and realize that it's okay, when I look in the mirror and am able to laugh at myself and broken tailbone grateful I went skating still I could see a reflection, or reading a book when my life is hidden behind the words I could feel her close.  She's been nearby but just out of reach for too long.

On a particularly hard day I remembered back to high school and Brother Harr asking me if I ever didn't smile because he hadn't seen it. That's the part of me that's is back. My resting face smile has returned. Just like meeting an old friend I know the date and time she found me. I feel more like myself than I have in years. Hard Things are still all around and I don't know how I'm going to do everything I'm suppose to much less everything I want to but I have a smile on my face, peace in my heart and faith that everything is going to be okay. 

To those who stood by me and drug me through my mucky days I am forever thankful. The muck would have swallowed me up if you hadn't been there. Thank you. 

Just because flowers make me happy

~Heather ❤️

Wishes

The spring before Kaede turned 3 she woke me up with an excited level of about 9 on a 0-10 scale. She drug me out to look out the window at our yard.

I looked out and sighed. So many weeds, so little grass in our lawn, so many dandelions gone to seed after I'd tried to kill them last fall. The excitement from not yet 3 year old Kaede pulled me out of sulking. "We are the luckiest people in the world Mom, just look!"  I looked and couldn't see anything to be particularly excited about much less anything from behind the old drafty window at a yard that needed a complete overhaul. The sparkle in Kaede's eye and the excitement seeping out of everywhere made me look again. 

Weeds, dead lawn, old porch, dirty window and no clue what had Kaede so excited. She took me by the hand to the yard and Vanna White style she pointed at  the lawn and said "Look !"  Our yard is full of wishes!  We are so lucky Mom. 

Kaede still calls dandelions that have gone to seed "wishes" and her perspective on life, Hard Things, and weeds is what I kept thinking about during this last conference when they discussed being grateful. It's not a list she writes or a cute meme posted to Facebook it's just in every part of her and how she lives her life. I hope she never looses that part of her. She has seen more than her fair share of hard things and still manages to be smiling from her soul with gratitude.  

Grateful

Tonight as I lay not sleeping I can't help but feel overwhelming gratitude, not so much for my Hard Things but for the perspective and growth I've received. My heart is full tonight and I have no one to share it with except for you.

I went for a short, slow walk today in the cold and wind. It wasn't an enjoyable walk by any means but along the way I took this picture. 

Tree blossoms

The walk sucked, but this moment, this phone picture was worth it. 

I don't know how long the feeling will last, but for now I can clearly see that my Hard Things will be worth it (eventually) provided I can hold tight to the truths I know.  As hard as it is to think about and hope for my timing to match up with God's timing tonight I will be patient. Instead of sharing my thoughts and feelings with a best friend I will share it on my blog (sorry for the rambling and side roads)

A new favorite scripture is Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. (Luke 22:42) I've never had a cup I've wanted removed as much as I do now, but I know when I choose to follow the Lord's will things turn out better than is possible for me to imagine.  Nevertheless, not my will but thine.  I pray for the guidance to know what that will is and for the strength and courage to continue and the perspective needed to remain grateful. 

~H

30 Days of Gratitude -- Life Lessons from the kids

Our printer is out of ink, has been for a while. Kaede has the share fair coming up and because of the no printing problem she was hand writing the answers to her questions. She was overwhelmed and near meltdown over it needing to be written neatly. 

I told her that yes she could do it. No one expected it to be perfect just that she did her very best, even though it was hard. Her best would be good enough and no one would require more. 

Then came the lightbulb moment with the strength of flipping on the over head lights in a patient room at 3 am while they are sleeping. No one requires me to be perfect, just to do my best and try my hardest, even when it's difficult and I'm overwhelmed. Kaede's handwritten answers aren't as perfect as a typed copy and that's okay. She took her situation, her mountain and did her best. She pushed herself to do more than she thought she could. 

I can see it being easy to blur the line between complacent and accepting less than perfection, but I believe if we are always doing our best and trying our hardest that complacency won't be a problem because hard things done repeatedly become easier and the bar for 'hard' is set a little higher. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Great days.

All around awesome day. Work was fine, Rachel came in early so I could get to Kaede's concert on time and if it wasn't for Macayla's ironing the very wrinkled concert outfit and every other little thing that went right I'd have not gotten her there by call time.

There were a few technical difficulties like running out of memory and spending all of Edelweiss deleting unnecessary thinks like a mad woman -- one of my favorite songs too. 

Song of Gratitude (I think, program is still in the car). Kaede is directly behind the cue poster. You can occasionally see her legs (black tights)

Then Hometown and Edelweiss which were lost due to technical difficulties.  76 Trombones you get glimpses of her on this one.

I Am The Earth

Then Thanksgiving rounds. You can see Kaede in this one!

We finished the evening with dinner at The Little Brick House with Becky and Monica and loads of laughter and fun. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Broken China

Sometimes a picture really does speak a thousand words. Sometimes those words are in a hidden language that only a few can understand and can't really be explained. That said, today I'm grateful for broken china.  Thankful enough to even pull out my Nikon for this post.

30 Days of Gratitude -- Prayer

April 2013 General Conference Boyd K. Packer

Not just your standard lets start this meeting or pray before we eat, but what I've referred to as Enos prayers. 

Listening to Conference in April I couldn't focus on much else besides the highlighted portion. To a single Mom who is frustrated about the lack of Priesthood in the home, even with it only being a phone call away that blurb was heaven sent. Lately it's been easy to tell the difference between standard prayer and a sincere talking to God prayer. The difference isn't always what words are spoken but in my heart. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Priesthood

Salt Lake Temple October 2012

I couldn't come up with a decent idea for a picture that didn't require me having to involve someone else on a Sunday evening for a blog post. I wanted it to involve hands. The deacon's hands as they pass the sacrament, to capture the comfort that comes the moment a worthy Priesthood holder lays his hands on your head sometimes before the words of the blessing are even started. I wasn't going to bother anyone tonight though so my picture of the SLC temple from October 2012 General Conference wins.  

My family has been incredibly blessed the past few weeks because of Priesthood blessings. For me asking for a blessing takes a lot if humility and courage. When I'm at that place I am incredibly grateful that there is not a shortage of people I can call on, including phone calls placed to far away Bishops that I've never met before. 

When my life has been turned upside down and I could barely breath I was asked "what can I do to help?"  I had no idea, I'm not certain I even knew my name right then but I knew I needed a blessing, perhaps more than I ever had before. The blessing didn't miraculously change anything, but among a storm of chaos and confusion about everything I thought I knew I was fully aware that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows me -- including the trials and difficult times that I face. 

That is how most of my stories of Priesthood blessings go. No miracles making the warm fuzzy section of the newspaper but many tender mercies that have given me the strength and courage to keep moving forward. For that I am eternally grateful, including those who are so willing to take the time to help when called. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Those Who Do Hard Jobs

I have no picture today, couldn't come up with one.  My job is one that I often hear "I could never do what you do!"  I love my job though, even through the gross and hard parts. The good far outweighs the bad. 

There are many more jobs out there that are best filled by people who do what they do because they love it. They believe in people that most of society has written off, they stand up and fight for individuals without any other voice. Help people again and again because they won't give up.

Thank you for believing when society has given up, for fighting for the underdog, speaking up for the voiceless. The world is a better place because of you. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- Friends

I have been blessed that no matter where I am in life I have had good friends as long as I let them into my life. I've done things within friendships that I wish I could take back and change, there are friendships that the tides of change have ended and friendships I've chosen to end. Some I miss greatly, some I think back on fondly, and a few I regret most of the friendship (I won't discount how much I've learned and grown from those). Friends have always been there for me and I am deeply grateful for each whisper, giggle, comforting hug and late night conversation. 

Time and distance both change friendships in many ways. In elementary school cancer is what stole my best friend away from me. I look back on the sleepovers, late night giggles and the times that we just sat together because Charlet didn't feel up to anything else and am grateful for each moment.  High school brought hours of dragging main and working on the next great prank for our seminary teacher and that all ended after graduation. Friends who wouldn't have been a friend if they didn't have kids in the same program where I was better known as Charlet/Michael/Kaede's Mom than Heather. So many seasons and different friends for each.

Then came hard decisions, some chaos, hard things and difficult times and in the shake up my friends were shaken up too. Friendly acquaintances turned into rock solid support, coworkers turned into a safe harbor, people I barely knew turned into a personal cheerleading squad for when I didn't believe in myself. When things turned difficult a few weeks ago I knew exactly where my support system was and I have doubts that they will continue to be there for me because they've already stood through my storm with me. 

Then this afternoon I realized how blessed I am to know there are friends who have my back. Thank you more than words can express. 

30 Days of Gratitude -- The Arts

Kaede's Choir Program

In this community there are many ways to  watch or participate in the arts from High School band concerts to the Honors Band concert that is a combined effort between the university and the middle schools and community programs that have theater groups or the children's choir. Speaking of which, Kaede has a concert on the 18th at 6 pm. We'd love to see you there, let me know if you want details. It would be a great FHE activity.