Happy Holidays and what happened to 2017?!?!!

Most of this year has been a blur in one way or another.  Neil starts his last round of scheduled chemo tomorrow.  I hope and pray that it's the last for a long, long time but I also know every time his stomach aches or something feels different I'm going to jump to worst case scenario for a long time.  Two weeks after his last chemo he will be scanned again and then just lots of hopefully boring follow up.  Looking forward is easier than looking back.

This chemo cycle Neil has gotten Neulasta to help boost his white count and neutrophils so that there wasn't adding extra weeks in between rounds.  It's made the last few months very busy and full of a lot of sick days.  I feel less reliable and much less planned than I typically like.  Out two weeks there are 3-4 days I can count on him feeling good, sometimes a few more and sometimes one of those good days isn't so good.  For a while I alternated between making those days as full as is reasonable (even on good days, we don't get to do as much before he's done--so few spoons these days) and spending them just relaxing and doing nothing.  Fortunately and unfortunately those good days I usually work. It makes it so I can be home on more of the bad days but makes good days less fun.

Christmas season this year hasn't been very productive.  I've bought the ingredients to make cookies, bread, Grandma's popcorn and a few candies but never got around to making plates.  I think back on the shoulder's I've cried on and the arms that have lifted us up and I wanted to do something meaningful to show my appreciation but fell asleep on the couch with it being nothing more than a wish.  I was determined to make just one trip, Neil and I without any kids, and go see the lights on temple square.  Instead we stopped by St George temple tonight.  We've tried to #lighttheworld but it's mostly been in small simple ways and without any kind of regularity.

There was a peace about this Christmas season though.  More joy in a string of lights, more tears at Christmas hymns, more childlike wonder at the first snow fall.  I will tuck away 2017 with gratitude for friends and family and welcome 2018 with open arms and enough fun plans to make up for this year.  Weddings, camping, National Parks, and hopefully a marked lack of hospitals.

What not to say and what to do instead {don't ask him how he's doing, just give him a hug}

I need to fully admit that this post is partially due to a friend going through very hard times and some of her thoughts.  After describing how taxing it is to have a child admitted to the hospital for an extended period of time, other kids at home (not the same town as the hospital), husband at home trying to juggle everything else and worry about Mom and kiddo in the hospital and everything that goes along with this scenario she said "don't ask him how he's doing...just give him a hug"

After reading her post I thought of all the things that very well meaning people have said or asked that haven't been helpful, what has helpful and how do I respond to people both as their nurse and also as their friend.  I have friends who always have a full plate and are always willing to give and serve--yet they say they aren't compassionate.  Friends who always say the right thing and listen at  the right time who say they never know how to respond.  I know I've said things that haven't been helpful and maybe even hurt when I didn't know what to say and I hadn't yet learned all of my Hard Things lessons and my perspective was limited.  I also want to point out that this is a personal list and I don't pretend to say it applies to everyone or even most others.

Don't tell me how to feel.  Feelings just come, whether you want them too or not.  Whether it's convenient or the timing is all wrong doesn't matter.  It's okay to be angry.  It's okay to be sad.  It's okay to be shocked.  It's okay to laugh during dark times.  It's okay to be numb to get through a day of things that have to be done even though you aren't certain why life around you still continues on.  Telling me to be happy and have a good attitude and be happy when I'm disappointed that our summer camping trip turned into me camping in the motor home in the parking lot at Intermountain Medical Center doesn't do me any good, it just invalidates me and closes down communication lines.  Instead? Listen. Listen with to understand more than the details of what is going on, listen to understand me better.  Listen, without talking, without judging, without checking your watch or phone.  Also, understand if I don't feel like sharing.  If I don't feel like sharing I definitely don't want to explain why it's hard to share right now.

Don't ask me to let you know if there is anything I need. This one I'm guilty of myself, but if I say it I mean it.  My problem is I don't always know what/where/how I can help.  I remember being little and Grandma making parkerhouse rolls for someone else.  I was disappointed they weren't all for me but I remember her explaining that one of her friends was really sick and had been in the hospital and she wanted to make rolls for her.  I didn't understand how rolls could fix someone who was sick.  When I was a teenager I knew if Mom was making enchilada casserole someone in the ward or neighborhood was sick, had a baby, had a death in the family, or various other but undefined Hard Thing.  I wasn't taught how to give and serve, I was shown but it wasn't until years later that I understood.  In the midst of Hard Things and offers to help if I needed anything I had friends see where I was lacking and fill the gap.  They didn't ask, they just did.  Another friend brought by a note card with a hand written note and a bowl of rolls just because she was thinking of me and wanted to me to know it.  I had a loaf of bread on the counter and I didn't need rolls but I needed the love and friendship that they symbolized.  I still think of much I appreciated the note, the rolls, and mostly the friendship every time I eat a homemade butter knot.  I think seeing needs and knowing how to fill them is a talent, hopefully one I can continue to improve on. 

Don't fill time with talking.  Mindless "how are you?" "are you ready for Christmas?" etc.  I value sitting in silence with someone nearly as much as I value having someone to listen to me.  I enjoy stories and getting to know people better, I love it when a stranger shares something with me that gives me a new perspective or helps me understand a different background.  I also treasure sitting in silence just enjoying someone's company.  A car ride listening to music or talk I've downloaded.  Taking a few minutes in silence to appreciate a beautiful sunset or skyscape.  If a song has touched my heart and you were listening with me, you are now part of that experience forever.

Care about people, not their circumstances.  Love people for their differences not inspite of them.  Value those around you.  Lift up others when you are able.  Let your light so shine.

~Heather

p.s. cancer still sucks.

How are you doing?

It's amazing the difference a sincere pause makes.  Last week I was asked "how are you doing?" followed by a moment of silence.  I mumbled something about being fine and doing okay but as I've thought back I truly appreciate the sincerity and care behind the question.   As I laid in bed trying unsuccessfully to sleep I realized that I couldn't answer because I didn't know.  I've been going through the motions and things have been getting done, but none of it with purpose.  I'm not sleeping well, it seems like Neil sleeps better when I'm watching him and he needs his sleep. 

It feels a little like I'm walking through a haunted house, down a long hallway with spooky music where nothing is happening except you know that out of one of those doors something is going to jump out at you.  It's not the monsters that jump out that are the scariest, it's the long hallway with nothing but anticipation.  I've even put things that I am doing for me (or things that need to get done but that I enjoy and count as me time) as task status and I'm doing them without purpose which leads me to gaining nothing from the activities but a check mark.

I keep waiting for the current thing to be finished so that things can calm down and return to normal.  It started in elementary school when I wanted to be in high school.  Then I wanted to graduate and go away to college.  What about after I'm married?  When I have babies?  When the babies aren't babies?  When I go back to school?  When I get divorced?  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  I explain it to the youth like in school.  You can't wait for the semester to finish and have finals behind you.  Then on Monday a new semester starts with new assignments, expectations and tasks.  As soon as one thing is finished another most certainly comes along.  I'm not going to push my peace back until trials and stress aren't around anymore, I'm going to find my peace now.  Purposefully.

I'm going to find time each Sunday to answer "how are you doing?" to myself with complete honesty--I refuse to get lost among the anxiety and stress. 

We finished-ish the Christmas tree today too, a box of special ornaments are MIA but I will venture into the garage tomorrow to look for them and our non-tree decorations.  Neil doesn't feel normal yet, but he felt up to helping us hang the balls and hunt for his Raiders ornament for a short time before bed.  I'm going to turn out all the lights and just be for a few minutes before I head to bed.