Hard Things: Volume 3

I'm not certain how to begin this blog.  In our primary care physicians office I said "can you just look at the CT scan?" when friends/coworkers say "how are you doing?" I answer "not really okay" in a few text messages I've just laid out the facts. When I'm somewhere I don't want to break down I rely on my old favorite coping mechanism sarcasm. I've been wanting to write this story, to help me think and process but to write a story the beginning needs to be told.

Neil and I were sealed in the Provo City Center Temple on March 11.  We went up a day early and on that trip I noticed he was changing his food choices because of stomach pain.  He has an ulcer and takes ibuprofen regularly, so it must be his ulcer.  He started using alka seltzer more and more often but didn't want to go to the doctor because of "I'm fine"  In mid-April he was hurting enough he agreed to go see the MD.  Our primary MD was on vacation that week and I scheduled an appt for Wednesday late afternoon after he returned.  I started to think it was more than just an ulcer and began to suspect a gallbladder.  I wanted to be wrong, I didn't want him to have to go through surgery. I'd give anything to have been right.   On Monday April 24, 2017 Neil stayed home from work because of the pain and early afternoon asked me to take him to the ED.  He hates the hospital, especially emergency departments, so to ask to go worried me. As we sat I was convinced definitely gallbladder and it probably needed to come out sooner rather than later.  Blood work, IV fluid, pain medication and a CT scan.  Then more pain medication and waiting.  Neil finally was mostly comfortable and I was waiting to hear that we needed a surgical consult and I'd be taking him home less one gall bladder.

That wasn't what we heard.

I don't remember exactly what was said or what the conversation was like just a series of words floating around fuzzy then coming into focus one at a time.  Pancreatic mass.  Biopsy. Oncology consult.  Time instantly changed, days seemed like weeks and waiting for appointments was unlike anything I'd experienced.  Phone calls from the cancer center, radiology, more blood work (12 tubes!), an MRI to check out a spot on his liver, trip to LDS hospital for a EUS with biopsy and I'm realizing more than anything that all I want is normal.  I want to sit in bed and plan vacations we'd like to take after the kids are all moved out.  Summer road trips while they are still here.  Evenings sitting on the porch watching the sunset worrying about bills and how much housework I didn't get done.

I don't get that.

Now my normal has changed.  Tests, blood work, chemo, waiting, and uncertainty.

So, for details Neil's diagnosis is pancreatic cancer (specifically an adenocarcinoma) and staging is not yet complete, he has a PET scan on Tuesday and we see oncology on Thursday for a definitive plan.  I'm also realizing that definitive is taking on a new meaning, it's more of a goal or a hope than a description of how things will be.

Updating people every step of the way is exhausting at times, another reason for the blog revival.  Please be understanding if we've missed a phone call or took the time to process the news, it still feels like I'm living someone else's life and will wake up soon back in April prepping for Joint Commission, working extra shifts, and trying to unpack.

I've always said I learn lots from Hard Things and I'm hoping this is a nice thick volume.