Clarification, rambling, and an update of sorts

Someone needs to take away my ability to write a blog post from my phone while tired.   Even typing >70 wpm my thoughts sometimes run faster than my fingers, pecking out a post on my phone does not do any kind of service to me getting across how I am feeling.

There are a few things that I can say with strong certainty right now.  Friends, family and neighbors care about me and my family and I have several people that if needed I could {and have} called before and after acceptable calling hours for something.  I am very grateful not even daily but hourly for them.

I don't know if the last little bit I've hit a social "how are you doing?" but if I have I haven't noticed.  I have noticed a lot of sincere faces with listening ears {I know, I'm not talking to kids here but it still applies} that have asked "how are you doing?"  often in those conversations include a just as sincere "let me know if there is anything I can do for you"  I know people care.  I know there are friends that know that the answer is going to be "not okay" if a bunch of new flowers show up in my yard.

I've had amazing help the last several years, from a well timed "want to go get a coke?" to muscle strength helping me move things I can't move alone or helping me get rid of the infernal rose thicket.  Twice.  Wait, this year makes three.  A few Christmas's ago before Gromps' funeral my answer when asked what can we do for you was "I don't even know"  Maybe I didn't know, but they did -- and they acted above and beyond anything I could imagine.

That doesn't include the plethora of people who worry about the kids when I'm at work and are willing to give them rides here there and everywhere, including keeping them in line when needed and having them help out on their farm.  I don't know what but I don't doubt that there is a lot more that I could fit into this section.

I know people care, retaught so much when asked at one of the late night calls "what's going on" and my answer was "I can't say right now"  What was happening was definitely secondary to how I was doing.  That few minutes taught me more than I realized -- I hope that farther down the road I can think back and get more out of that experience, and perhaps be that person for someone else.

What I wondered was does how really matter.  As long as the list of stuff gets done, why does the how matter when it comes down to it.

I don't know the answer, but I'm past wondering now -- filing it away into a file of things I wish I never was in a place to feel.  It's turning into a pretty big file.

For everyone wondering how, I'm managing to get up each morning {or equivalent for whatever my shift is} and brushing my teeth.  My sarcasm is coming back at times and I'm playing softball this year on city league. I can even smile a little at the comparison of being told "we just need another girl on the roster" to being picked last for kickball in elementary school.  I still got picked, and I'm hoping softball proves to be a good outlet for me right now.  I do think I'm going to have more color in my front yard this year than I ever have before.

This is what got me out of bed this morning when I nearly turned off the alarm and hid under the covers.

How are you?

Well, how are you?

Or, why does it matter? I don't doubt that there are people who sincerely care how I'm doing but I am wondering why it matters. Friends and neighbors have helped me in some amazing ways and millions of small ways and I am so very grateful, but does how I'm doing really matter? Why?

I'm feeling a little volatile lately and starting to think I should come with a hazard placard.

Happy Birthday SuperGirl

I'm not quite certain how this not even 6 lbs of love and joy {sorry, it's the littlest picture of her I can find online--I will find something better when I get home}

turned into this teenager who does crazy fun things like fall off of cliffs on purpose and then does it again.

She is one amazing SuperGirl who makes me proud of her every single day.  She's a wonderful friend, daughter and sister and somehow I am priviledged enough to have her be part of my family.  Love you!

Think about someone else -- I triple dog dare you

Tonight for FHE we had a mini lesson and activity.  There was no way I could put much else together, but it was something and something we were doing together and that's the point right?

We talked a little about gratitude, specifically being thankful for the people in our lives from friends, neighbors, ward members, teachers and others who it's their job to help us and perhaps a stranger who says the right thing at the right time that makes you smile.  It wouldn't take long for me to make a really long list.  If you are grateful for something it's only proper to say thank you in some way, right?  A plate of cookies seems fairly standard and honestly around this house is always welcome.

Waiting for me to have time and energy on the same day to be able to make said plate of pretty goodies that also tastes delicious?  Not going to happen anytime soon.

Sharing some of the eggs from the chickens?  That we can do without much stress or making it seem like another thing we have to do.  Right now if I have another 'thing' added to my list I may just crack and saying thank you really isn't about stressing anyone out is it?  I'm fairly certain the people we delivered to tonight have done such a good job of helping me out at just the right time not so I could stress about an appropriate thank you later on.

Stress free we walked some eggs around the neighborhood, complete with glittered up egg cartons {why oh why did I buy glitter?!?!?}  to put into action our lesson.

In the past I've given service at times I'm stressed/depressed/etc. but it's always been for someone who really needed something.  I don't know that egg delivering counts as service per say, but doing something for someone else just because and thinking of them and how grateful we are for their part in our lives put smiles on all our faces leaving me with a couple hyper girls with big sincere smiles that made it so I couldn't help but smile.

Tonight's lesson was fairly spontaneous and pulled me out of where I was to where I needed to be, even if it's just for the night.  So tomorrow if you see the opportunity do something small for someone else.  A small sincere compliment can make someone's day and help turn yours around if you'll let it.

So very grateful for all the 'egg'cellant people in my life {yes, I know it's not an original joke but it makes me smile}

Yeah, I know one is missing...

~Heather

PALS

For non-health care friends:
BLS:  Basic Life Support aka CPR class.  Everyone who comes in contact with patients in the hospital is required to have this.
ACLS: Advance Cardiac Life Support.  We do CPR, meds, airways -- basically everything that could happen in a code blue, although not exactly as shown on evening TV.  Required in ER, ICU, OB, and OR
PALS:  Pediatric Advance Life Support.  Little ones who are way too little to be as sick as they are who may need a lot of support to stay alive until they can be fixed.  Fixed all too often doesn't happen though. Required in ER, ICU, and OR???  I'm not certain where else except for my job locations.
NRP:  Neonatal Resuscitation Program. PALS for babies up to 30 days old.  Required in OB and I'm not certain if it is anywhere else.

Nurses don't have to retest to renew their nursing license, we just mail off a check to DOPL and we're good.  These certifications are where it all comes down to, and timing for me this year stinks.  ACLS in March, PALS this month.

I knew I had PALS coming up, I rescheduled it very end of March because of life chaos.  2 weeks wasn't far enough.  Someone please remind me in two years to take these recert classes a few months before they are due instead of the same month.  After this one I think I'm good on my certifications until next year when I need TNCC.

Guess who forgot to pick up a PALS book to study?  Yup.

Guess who's mind has been everywhere but work unless I'm clocked in?  Yup.

I could keep playing the guess who game but every answer would be me, including who's fault is it?  We don't deal with kids often and while I've used my PALS assessment skills there has only been once that we've had to heavily intervene with a kid on my watch, another that I knew enough to be very watchful and was worried.

You don't use it you lose it.

I have to recertify tomorrow, with my mind still going elsewhere.  I have no idea how I'm going to focus at 7 am on well, anything to be honest.  It's a recert class not a certification so just reviewing and testing to make sure I still remember everything.

I don't stress over tests, but this is as close as I've ever come.  I don't like very ill little ones, they make me very nervous and I always pull out reference material.  Little ones aren't just small adults they are entirely different and it's not just like you have peds and adults.  You have adults, newborns, infant, baby, toddler, pre-school age, school age, adolescents and they are all a little different.  ACLS you just have adults -- the end.

There always seems to be more on the line when the patient is so young, so new, so full of potential, so delicate.  Just a few months ago I was wanting us to have NRP as an option because we had such a tiny baby in ICU and I never even took care of him.  The education is great, the timing for this class sucks but I have no choice, it's a requirement for ICU.

Since I have to be awake, coherent, and learning tomorrow at 7 I should get to bed.

Silent echoes

The house is empty tonight, just me and the dogs and quiet is echoing from the corners of the house the way sadness can echo through your body.  The quiet is deafening.

My mind rewinds time like an old VCR whining and clunky, stopping at all the worst scenes that I wish were edited out and it feels like I am in a time machine.  March seems like eons past while in the same instant only a breath ago.  The juxtaposition of time sends me spinning in a circle, praying to stop when there is a clear, broad view of the strength of the mountains, solace of a winding stream and peace of a still lake.

A long prayerful walk slows, but does not stop, this infernal time warp as I see glimpses of friendly faces, trustworthy friends and beautiful spring flowers.  A deep breath smells of daffodils, warm cookies, and a welcome hug.  

The walk isn't long enough, being leashed to the chaos, not allowed to wander too far and I fight hopelessly against the spinning and resign to the dizziness, at least for now. The house is still silent with emptiness everywhere.  With each breath I can hear whispers of hope shared over the weekend, too soft to understand their magnitude. 

***Thanks for humoring my attempt at getting how I feel out, and no I wasn't trying for any great literary works I just needed to share.  ~Heather***