Most of this year has been a blur in one way or another. Neil starts his last round of scheduled chemo tomorrow. I hope and pray that it's the last for a long, long time but I also know every time his stomach aches or something feels different I'm going to jump to worst case scenario for a long time. Two weeks after his last chemo he will be scanned again and then just lots of hopefully boring follow up. Looking forward is easier than looking back.
This chemo cycle Neil has gotten Neulasta to help boost his white count and neutrophils so that there wasn't adding extra weeks in between rounds. It's made the last few months very busy and full of a lot of sick days. I feel less reliable and much less planned than I typically like. Out two weeks there are 3-4 days I can count on him feeling good, sometimes a few more and sometimes one of those good days isn't so good. For a while I alternated between making those days as full as is reasonable (even on good days, we don't get to do as much before he's done--so few spoons these days) and spending them just relaxing and doing nothing. Fortunately and unfortunately those good days I usually work. It makes it so I can be home on more of the bad days but makes good days less fun.
Christmas season this year hasn't been very productive. I've bought the ingredients to make cookies, bread, Grandma's popcorn and a few candies but never got around to making plates. I think back on the shoulder's I've cried on and the arms that have lifted us up and I wanted to do something meaningful to show my appreciation but fell asleep on the couch with it being nothing more than a wish. I was determined to make just one trip, Neil and I without any kids, and go see the lights on temple square. Instead we stopped by St George temple tonight. We've tried to #lighttheworld but it's mostly been in small simple ways and without any kind of regularity.
There was a peace about this Christmas season though. More joy in a string of lights, more tears at Christmas hymns, more childlike wonder at the first snow fall. I will tuck away 2017 with gratitude for friends and family and welcome 2018 with open arms and enough fun plans to make up for this year. Weddings, camping, National Parks, and hopefully a marked lack of hospitals.