This morning I wanted to write a post but keep it password protected then I found out that blogger doesn't allow that, I think I must have been using wordpress when I've done it before. I found a way around my problem and I think that solution might also be the solution for other thoughts that I've been wanting to get out of my head somewhere. Or it might just sit with that one lonely post. Maybe someday I will progress past my stream of consciousness writing style and post something that I've worked on.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
I love to read blogs. A lot. I enjoy blogging, it gives me a way to have a voice when I want to talk about things but the cat doesn't care to stay around or listen. I have a random collection of blogs, started as photoblogs turned into remembering how much I enjoy writing. I've never gotten much past blogging as a stream of consciousness rough draft but since I'm not being graded or trying to impress the world I'm okay with that. I blog for me and if people enjoy reading it then it's a little bonus I guess.
March is full of amazing holidays. Pi day, National Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast day tomorrow.
It also carries a significant amount of sadness and memories I'd like to move past. This weekend is hard and that may not ever change. Why does my birthday have to be squished in there too? I'd love to create new happy memories, but it's difficult to bake a cake for yourself, plan fun for yourself when it's just well, you.
I think it's strange that Valentines Day alone doesn't bother me but my birthday does. This weekend I'd like to hide away and have a shoulder to cry on but instead I will "chin up, Buttercup" and go about my business of saving lives, one charting requirement at a time. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time of not lonely.
I do have flowers blooming here and there and it helps a little, but not much.
Monday, March 10, 2014
I'm sitting in bed, trying to convince myself that I can handle tomorrow and that there are a few hours inbetween now and then that nothing but breathing is required of me and I can recover from today.
As I sit back and think about how today has gone trying to find my three gratitudes I realize how fortunate I am, even in the middle of hard things.
I'm grateful we've reached the time of year that even getting out of work late I have time for a walk and get to see yet another beautiful Cedar sunset and chat with Kaede about her weekend.
I'm forever indebted to my neighbors. Today I got to see some of them help another person today and I can't express how amazing they are and how grateful I am to call them friends. The same extends to houses up and down the street, a few blocks over etc. I love my neighborhood, I love my ward and the thoughts of losing anymore friends feels like a knife in my stomach. I just won't do it, and no one is allowed to move.
I'm grateful for the ability to see good among times when everything seems bad all around.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Without detailing to the public why, this week has been rough with each day getting progressively harder. Last weekend was good, sick kids, massive driving and couch surfing at Gary's included. Tiring but good.
Every once in a while when we have an unstable patient that we are constantly titrating drips on our monitors will for a second show a perfect picture. Adequate vital signs, rhythm not overly funky and for half a breath everything seems great. That's what looking back over the pictures from last weekend does for me. Glimpses of time captured forever that seem absolutely perfect. If I could pick a picture to be my forever, this would be it.
What may seem like a quick snap to the world speaks volumes to me. My entire heart was sitting on that couch, together. They are the driving force behind everything I do and I've come to realize that it's quite likely I will never be able to describe how much I love them or how perfect this moment was. If it wasn't a stupid phone picture I'd blow it up big and put it on the wall.
This moment, I want this to be my forever. All the hope, love, potential, and all around awesomeness that I could ever want.