Accountability

The past few months my eating has been crazy erratic. I've tried track through My Fitness Pal and failed. I tried tracking and having coworkers hold me accountable -- then someone makes a run to Cafe Rio and my willpower of a slug fails. 

During school I had good success with Weight Watchers, partially because I always had Colleen next me saying "is that a cookie?  Why are you eating a cookie?"  I used it online and had my accountability in my best friend. 

She's moved away and my accountability has changed, willpower is missing.

So I signed up again, plan to use the meeting for accountability and this week is my assessment week. Eating what I normally eat and just getting in the habit of recording everything. Come July I'm going to try Tonergy and see if I can get my body moving more too. Oh, yikes July is nearly here. 

Blocked

I sit here in bed wanting to have some writing therapy and I've got nothing. I've ran out of patience, I've been feeling it coming and even gave someone a heads up yesterday. So today I let stupid little things get me that normally I don't. The heat has zapped my energy and perhaps some of mental energy as well?

So, I have nothing. 

Strength

Rarely do things I read on the Internet make me angry. This is an exception that is coming back to me, days later. A friend who is in the early stages of getting a divorce posted looking for some additional strength. Really, who hasn't needed a little extra strength at one time or another?

Someone replied that you are either doing the right thing or you aren't. If you are doing the right thing you shouldn't need to be looking for strength. 

The early days of getting a divorce are hard. Really hard. I had no doubt it was the right choice but daily I went looking for strength. I found it on my walks, in visits with the Relief Society president, when I was falling apart knowing I couldn't go on and surely there couldn't be another day after this one is there?  Yes, I needed to find extra strength. 

Going back to school with little kids.  Oh heavens did I need to go looking for strength. Making the decision to walk away from a bad situation?  Takes strength -- staying is much easier. Going to Sacrament meeting at 9 am when I got home at 7 and have to go to work again takes emotional and physical strength. 

So tonight when I don't feel strong enough to stand up to what is before me I'm looking for strength. I fought for this, would have fought to be bitter end if needed.  None of that makes tonight any easier and so I go looking for strength because I know it is there, I know I can do hard things and I know in the morning the sun will rise again. 

Meanwhile I write, read, and pray because I've learned that the deeper the strength is hidden the more powerful it is when it's found. 

So, you can take your sentiment of if you are doing the right thing you don't need to look for strength and run away elsewhere, I have no interest in playing with you. 

{Heather}

What if...

The timelines assigned during history classes typically focus on concrete details. Begin and ending of wars, government changes, significant social changes etc. Personal timelines are similar: first steps, first word, able to tie a shoe, started kindergarten, hit a home run, graduation, etc

What if we changed those tick marks to less temporal milestones. 1991 -- learned the value of daily scripture study, 1995 -- went to conference with seminary counsel and had significant testimony building experiences, 2004 -- gained enough faith in myself to go back to school, 2008 -- humbled to have the responsibility on my shoulders that comes with nursing, 2009 -- understood the meaning of individual worth beyond a dictionary definition and most importantly that it applies to me. 

That's not a complete timeline, and just hits some superficial milestones but how would things change if instead of remembering when we did things if we remembered when we learned, grew, or strengthened ourselves {or would it change at all?}   

Last week I visited with Sister Horton and was not at all prepared to answer "how are things going?"  I'm not certain I've chatted with them since Charlet was a baby and so much has changed since then. I took deep breath and said "things are better than they were" and it wasn't until after I said it that I realized I believed it.  

My things timeline right now is overwhelming.  My timeline I'd titled "who I am becoming" more accurately describes me, or at least the me I try to focus on. I believe in myself, I have learned I can trust others, I know now I am never alone regardless of what the world sees, I have a deeper and broader definition for love and for peace. 

How would you rather your timeline be?  A list of events and accomplishments or snapshots of who you are becoming?

{Heather}

My Boys

For those of you who don't know I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl. Regardless of popular belief I'm not completely spoiled rotten.  I grew up knowing very well how to handle being teased, how to get dirty and just the right tone to add to "Dad! The boys are being mean!"  

I've been teased to tears, tickled until I nearly peed, and heaven help anyone who took me on a date in high school if the boys knew about it. Which they usually did. 

I spend a good chunk of time wondering what it would be like to have sisters instead of brothers. 

The teasing hasn't stopped but I wouldn't trade the boys for the best sisters in the world. No matter how alone I feel as I stand to fight {well, pretty much anything} I know that they are right behind me ready to do whatever needs to be done from late night conversations while working graveyard shift to making it so I always feel welcome including everything in between and beyond. 

I love my boys. {not the best picture of any of us but I don't care}

Oh, and Happy Birthday Mom!

I Can't -- I Just Wish "Can't" was an option

Fake it 'til you make it has worked for me in many situations from being happy about housework to finding the energy to keep me busy during a serious slump. 

I'm not exactly faking it, but I have been trying to keep busy to keep everything 'okay'. It works, but the level of busy it requires is exhausting to maintain. Then there are the days that it requires busy level impossible. That's been my last week - ten days. 

I don't like not being 'okay'. I'm not even certain what people mean by okay, or what my personal definition is but I like it and I hate it when it's gone. 

One thing I realized today is that there are ways to be okay other than being busy. The screens for the rental were at cabin so I made a trip over today to grab them and the girls wanted to stay with their cousins and I got to make the trip up the canyon alone. 

I dumped an emotional bag of stress as I crossed The Bridge and pretty soon everything was okay. 

Butterflies danced on the wild flowers. 

I could hear the creek, smell the trees, and breath in the crisp air. 

Then I had to come home where reality waits for me with a daunting list. I want to give in, throw in the towel, run away, hide under the covers forever.

I can't "can't" because the stakes are too high and I'm too stubborn to give in. Hmmm, stubborn. One of those negative connotation words that has a lot of good in it too. 

Maybe my 'endure to the end' is carefully disguised as stubbornness. 

Laundry

I have friends {yes they have children} who are not as overwhelmed by laundry as I am. One has set laundry days, one does a load every day, one has less of a system but no one seems to be as overwhelmed by a constant Mount Washmore as I am. 

The one constant among these friends?  They fold in a timely manner. I hate folding. It seems to be the common thread and I am tired of fighting the laundry monster and losing so I'm changing up my game. Today is day 2 of folding everything in a mostly timely matter. I am also folding what I washed plus a few extra things, I have lost ground to be making up here. 

I will report back in a week. I wonder how long it will take me to not be behind?  I also am working 7 in a row and with the new dress code I only have 3 sets of scrubs. *sigh*

If you have a magical wonderful laundry system let me know. 

I'm melting

I don't like the heat.  At all.  The water truck is finally moved so I'm going to take my frustrations out on the heat if it leaves me with enough energy to do so. 

One Wish

On a walk tonight I realized that my walks have changed over the last couple of years. I use to aptly refer to them as therapy walks. I've walk out multiple bonfires fueled by anger or frustration, said more sincere prayers, pondered counsel and gotten far more than ever expected from walks. 

My walks aren't the same anymore. Kaede wants to go, always and for the time being I'm not going to deny her. 

Tonight on the way home I realized if i had one wish it would be someone to walk with me at night after the girls are in bed. 

A younger version of me would have wished away the need for a therapy walk instead of longing for the tools that help me past the trial. 

Ever so slowly my perspective is changing. One moment at a time. 

30 days of gratitude

Remember back when I finished, in a mostly timely manner, my 30 days of gratitude and I said I wanted to make it a weekly event?  No?  Whew, well then maybe you won't care that I forgot too.

I remembered. 

If I were to detail out all of my gratitudes now in individual posts I'd be good for the rest of the year and likely still forget something, someone or a situation.  Not to mention the many little things that I'm unaware of while being globally thankful for a good day. 

Today I'm grateful for people.  From Dad who can do almost anything, Mom who would have stayed home from Alaska if I'd just asked {this year or others} and is the best laminator using clear contact paper that I know to brothers who sent me falling off cliffs, had many graveyard shift conversations, fixed my {whatever} and are only a phone call away. 

In the Mormon Messages video Mountains to Climb Elder Eyring says "the Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up" I fully believe that many of God's miracles are done by ordinary people listening to the spirit and doing what needs to be done, much like the line in Fried Green Tomatoes that says "I believe God has angels walking around disguised as people..."  I don't know what unseen angels are by my sides but I have friends in walking distance to the north, south, east, and west that bear me up, hold me when I can't manage on my own, listen when I need to talk and don't ask questions when I need to not talk. The list of reasons I am grateful for them looks much like a picture of Santa going through the naughty or nice list of all the kids in the world, for the most part innumerable. I've received cards, late night visits to keep me together, kid taxing, smiles and hugs each act of kindness or service keeps me going when I am not certain I can otherwise. Your thoughts and feelings that you have shared with me are invaluable. 

A significant part of my list is ward leadership. I've tried to journal some of the feelings I've had from blessings that I received and I don't think those words exsist in the English language. Having a Priesthood blessing being only a call away is amazing--especially when that call comes in the middle of the night. Home Teachers truly do a lion's share of the Lord's work in quiet regular visits to their families. I have new visiting teachers, and I know that in the past Visiting Teachers have been just as important. 

Working last night in not my home department made me realize how much my work family means to me. The quiet support I get at work helps keep me going from one drip titration to the next. 3west people I miss you too, feel free to call me when the floor is crazier than you can staff.

I'm grateful for the people who are trained to help others, particularly those who love their job.

To strangers going through hard times and blogging about it, thanks you are an inspiration. Those who can tell a story and make me laugh I am grateful you share your talent. Laughter is a potent medication. 

My heart is full of gratitude tonight for all of you. 

Thanks Mom

Tonight's post is brought to you by the letter M{om}, J{effrey R Holland}, and the number 6{th Ward Bulletin}

Mom send me a clipping from their ward bulletin that she'd laminated with clear contact paper and stuck a magnet on. I remember her doing similar things for Aunt Deb and including them in her letters. This one came from Alaska, with love.  

The quote is from Elder Holland {loved him for as long as I can remember} from April 1997 titled "Because She is a Mother".  Interestingly, as I was searching for this talk one of the other conference talks that year was titled "Bishop, help!"  very well timed for me.

When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, "pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task," that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity.  Claim the promises of the Savior of the world.  Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children.  Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can't possibly do this alone, but you do have help.  The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you--He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son.  Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.

I love the quote from the anonymous mother.  Such a great description of how I feel right now.  Mom, thanks for the quote, the lamination job and the magnet so that just maybe it doesn't get lost.

{Heather}

Flower Garden

I have burned off significant stress, work through problems in my head and found peace in my flower beds. I was greeted this morning coming home from work by my carnations blooming. 

My dark iris opened up yesterday

Pansies always make me smile inside. 

My new poppy had to fight the wind

This sweet little thing opened up too

My Mexican primrose is vibrant

Even my hen is going to bloom. 

This summer I fully subscribe to garden therapy. I've poured out my heart and occasionally watered my flowers with tears. Turning the parking strip into a flower bed has been a great stress relief. 

With a bunch if perennials it will take years of patience to see it as I imagine it now. Nothing worthwhile in my life has come easy, this is just a lot more physical work and somehow a little easier to be patient with.