I need to fully admit that this post is partially due to a friend going through very hard times and some of her thoughts. After describing how taxing it is to have a child admitted to the hospital for an extended period of time, other kids at home (not the same town as the hospital), husband at home trying to juggle everything else and worry about Mom and kiddo in the hospital and everything that goes along with this scenario she said "don't ask him how he's doing...just give him a hug"
After reading her post I thought of all the things that very well meaning people have said or asked that haven't been helpful, what has helpful and how do I respond to people both as their nurse and also as their friend. I have friends who always have a full plate and are always willing to give and serve--yet they say they aren't compassionate. Friends who always say the right thing and listen at the right time who say they never know how to respond. I know I've said things that haven't been helpful and maybe even hurt when I didn't know what to say and I hadn't yet learned all of my Hard Things lessons and my perspective was limited. I also want to point out that this is a personal list and I don't pretend to say it applies to everyone or even most others.
Don't tell me how to feel. Feelings just come, whether you want them too or not. Whether it's convenient or the timing is all wrong doesn't matter. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be shocked. It's okay to laugh during dark times. It's okay to be numb to get through a day of things that have to be done even though you aren't certain why life around you still continues on. Telling me to be happy and have a good attitude and be happy when I'm disappointed that our summer camping trip turned into me camping in the motor home in the parking lot at Intermountain Medical Center doesn't do me any good, it just invalidates me and closes down communication lines. Instead? Listen. Listen with to understand more than the details of what is going on, listen to understand me better. Listen, without talking, without judging, without checking your watch or phone. Also, understand if I don't feel like sharing. If I don't feel like sharing I definitely don't want to explain why it's hard to share right now.
Don't ask me to let you know if there is anything I need. This one I'm guilty of myself, but if I say it I mean it. My problem is I don't always know what/where/how I can help. I remember being little and Grandma making parkerhouse rolls for someone else. I was disappointed they weren't all for me but I remember her explaining that one of her friends was really sick and had been in the hospital and she wanted to make rolls for her. I didn't understand how rolls could fix someone who was sick. When I was a teenager I knew if Mom was making enchilada casserole someone in the ward or neighborhood was sick, had a baby, had a death in the family, or various other but undefined Hard Thing. I wasn't taught how to give and serve, I was shown but it wasn't until years later that I understood. In the midst of Hard Things and offers to help if I needed anything I had friends see where I was lacking and fill the gap. They didn't ask, they just did. Another friend brought by a note card with a hand written note and a bowl of rolls just because she was thinking of me and wanted to me to know it. I had a loaf of bread on the counter and I didn't need rolls but I needed the love and friendship that they symbolized. I still think of much I appreciated the note, the rolls, and mostly the friendship every time I eat a homemade butter knot. I think seeing needs and knowing how to fill them is a talent, hopefully one I can continue to improve on.
Don't fill time with talking. Mindless "how are you?" "are you ready for Christmas?" etc. I value sitting in silence with someone nearly as much as I value having someone to listen to me. I enjoy stories and getting to know people better, I love it when a stranger shares something with me that gives me a new perspective or helps me understand a different background. I also treasure sitting in silence just enjoying someone's company. A car ride listening to music or talk I've downloaded. Taking a few minutes in silence to appreciate a beautiful sunset or skyscape. If a song has touched my heart and you were listening with me, you are now part of that experience forever.
Care about people, not their circumstances. Love people for their differences not inspite of them. Value those around you. Lift up others when you are able. Let your light so shine.
~Heather
p.s. cancer still sucks.
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