For a week I've been thinking about Bonnie from many directions and knowing I wanted to write this post but not sure how to find the words to express my love and admiration. Today was her funeral and it still seems a bit surreal, part of me still doesn't believe she's gone. Here is my attempt, hoping that writing this post makes everything feel a little more real instead of like a nightmare I keep expecting to wake up from.
I trusted Bonnie completely. Sitting in her car I've told her things very few others know. She's heard my insecurities, my fears, my failings, my struggles and each time been able to lift me up. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how rotten things seemed Bonnie's smile would bring some light into my world and leave me refreshed and ready to go forward even just one more day. She had a way about her that made everyone feel special, cared for, and loved. Her eyes always sparkled, full of love for those around her and she absolutely glowed when she'd tell stories about her family. As they walked into the chapel today I could tell who some of them were that I've never met from the stories she's told me. Bonnie didn't just love her family though, she loved everyone and showed that love through friendship and service.
I've been on the receiving end of some great visiting teachers, but I never felt like I was that visiting teacher that made much of a difference until I went with Bonnie. Visiting Teaching wasn't just a monthly chore, it was a calling she took very serious. I visited her in the hospital over a year ago and she was so worried about Visiting Teaching. She'd missed one of our ladies before she left town for the month, had only talked to another one twice, and was worried that we'd missed an appointment with someone new who was assigned to us. It was still the middle of the month. She didn't just visit and take a message around she loved, cared for, and worried about the families we were assigned to go see. I know my crazy schedule made it harder for her, but I am so grateful that she took the time to show me how to be a Visiting Teacher, not just do your visiting teaching. As she wasn't able to leave her house she still spent time worrying about and loving others. '
I called to check on her one day and no sooner had I said "Hi, Bonnie it's Heather" than she was checking on me. How are the kids doing? She's been worrying about us after all. Then came what I think is a classic Bonnie conversation. I had some rolls baking and wanted to bring some by. I knew she wasn't eating, but certainly something as simple as a plate of rolls could help her family out at least a little. She wanted none of that. I had too much going on, too much to worry about, too busy with the kids to bother making rolls for her. Really, I don't know if she doesn't realize what she's taught me or what, but getting Bonnie to be on the receiving end of even simple acts of service wasn't easy. I pulled out what I thought my trump card would be. "Bonnie, remember how I told you the last time I saw the Bishop he counseled me to find ways to serve others? Are you denying me an opportunity to follow Bishop's counsel by not letting me bring rolls by?" I thought I had a valid point that she'd agree to, but I was wrong. Certainly there is someone else who could benefit from the rolls isn't there? Someone new in the neighborhood? Someone else somewhere? Some point in the conversation she agreed to let me bring the rolls, but just a few -- Craig doesn't eat much you know. I sat down in Bonnie's front room and visited with her, second to the last time, and I think I left part of me there that visit next to her fireplace. We couldn't talk about how she was doing, she needed updates on the kids and listened to stories she had missed out on. Shared with me her concerns and worries -- not about her, but about the ladies we go Visiting Teaching to because Mary really needs a visit leaving out the part where she called her frequently to check on her hoping for some opportunity to do some service, even as weak as she was. She talked about our first Sunday in the ward and how Charlet walking into the Primary room looking for the Sunbeams made her day because of Charlet's smile and beautiful eyes and how much she loved my kids. I stopped by one more time after that, Kaede had heard me wonder out loud if Bonnie would be able to drink some Ensure and Kaede was determined to take her some for Christmas. After a brief visit and a quick hug I knew that was going to be goodbye. I didn't know if I'd be blessed to see her again or not, but there was a change that visit -- one I recognized from my years working 3 West -- a greater peace, calm and a house overfilling with love.
This past week in the midst of long difficult days, feeling guilty for neglecting home life, and not being able to see an end to anything I've wanted to pick up the phone and call Bonnie to check on her, knowing full well that when I checked on Bonnie it was the other way around. She made me believe in myself, gave me strength and courage, and has celebrated with me. I am better because of Bonnie and selfishly I can't imagine how life is going to be without her phone calls and support. I told our Relief Society president that yes I'd like a new partner, but going out in February isn't going to be the same at all. She will be missed. I love you Bonnie, thank you for your years of friendship and support. I don't know if you ever really knew how much of an impact you had on my life.
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