How Are You Guys Doing?

I can't count how many times I've been asked that the last few weeks and I know it's from a place of caring but there is no good answer or even an actual answer.  It varies day to day, sometimes even hour to hour.

The first week everything was foggy and hazy.  It was like I was reading a well written book without interruptions and I was putting myself into the book, feeling what they felt.  Except when I read a book that way I wake up the next morning and I'm back in my life. I'm grateful for the muted feelings, I don't think I could have cried anymore and my chest hurt from fear of the what lies ahead.

The weekend I was able to mostly pretend things were normal.  We did a dump run and got rid of some weeds and yard waste, discussed the rapid cycling that Utah weather has, went to church and had family dinner around the table.  Normal things.

Monday I was nervous and busy with school stuff (it is May after all) homework, plays, laundry, dusting, vacuuming, laundry and then some more laundry.  Busy enough that I was able to focus away from the nerves.  Today everything felt very real walking into the Cancer Center for Neil's PET scan, without the book like quality from a few weeks ago. I'm anxious to have more of a plan in place for treatment, I know that staging his cancer is crucial to making the best plan possible but I'm tired of this limbo land.  I want to discover what our new normal is going to be.  I want to have weekends off and be able to escape for the weekend to the cabin.  I want to wake up and find out this is all a bad dream (it's rapidly losing it's dream like qualities though).  I want this evening to last forever, it's quiet except for the rain and I'm not worried about my to do list, and I have pineapple spears from Costco.

How am I doing?  I'm rapid cycling through the stages of grief, if you don't like my answer wait an hour or so and it'll change.

We have marked a to do off the list of things we need to do, but won't have an update until Thursday.

Love, Heather

Hard Things: Volume 3

I'm not certain how to begin this blog.  In our primary care physicians office I said "can you just look at the CT scan?" when friends/coworkers say "how are you doing?" I answer "not really okay" in a few text messages I've just laid out the facts. When I'm somewhere I don't want to break down I rely on my old favorite coping mechanism sarcasm. I've been wanting to write this story, to help me think and process but to write a story the beginning needs to be told.

Neil and I were sealed in the Provo City Center Temple on March 11.  We went up a day early and on that trip I noticed he was changing his food choices because of stomach pain.  He has an ulcer and takes ibuprofen regularly, so it must be his ulcer.  He started using alka seltzer more and more often but didn't want to go to the doctor because of "I'm fine"  In mid-April he was hurting enough he agreed to go see the MD.  Our primary MD was on vacation that week and I scheduled an appt for Wednesday late afternoon after he returned.  I started to think it was more than just an ulcer and began to suspect a gallbladder.  I wanted to be wrong, I didn't want him to have to go through surgery. I'd give anything to have been right.   On Monday April 24, 2017 Neil stayed home from work because of the pain and early afternoon asked me to take him to the ED.  He hates the hospital, especially emergency departments, so to ask to go worried me. As we sat I was convinced definitely gallbladder and it probably needed to come out sooner rather than later.  Blood work, IV fluid, pain medication and a CT scan.  Then more pain medication and waiting.  Neil finally was mostly comfortable and I was waiting to hear that we needed a surgical consult and I'd be taking him home less one gall bladder.

That wasn't what we heard.

I don't remember exactly what was said or what the conversation was like just a series of words floating around fuzzy then coming into focus one at a time.  Pancreatic mass.  Biopsy. Oncology consult.  Time instantly changed, days seemed like weeks and waiting for appointments was unlike anything I'd experienced.  Phone calls from the cancer center, radiology, more blood work (12 tubes!), an MRI to check out a spot on his liver, trip to LDS hospital for a EUS with biopsy and I'm realizing more than anything that all I want is normal.  I want to sit in bed and plan vacations we'd like to take after the kids are all moved out.  Summer road trips while they are still here.  Evenings sitting on the porch watching the sunset worrying about bills and how much housework I didn't get done.

I don't get that.

Now my normal has changed.  Tests, blood work, chemo, waiting, and uncertainty.

So, for details Neil's diagnosis is pancreatic cancer (specifically an adenocarcinoma) and staging is not yet complete, he has a PET scan on Tuesday and we see oncology on Thursday for a definitive plan.  I'm also realizing that definitive is taking on a new meaning, it's more of a goal or a hope than a description of how things will be.

Updating people every step of the way is exhausting at times, another reason for the blog revival.  Please be understanding if we've missed a phone call or took the time to process the news, it still feels like I'm living someone else's life and will wake up soon back in April prepping for Joint Commission, working extra shifts, and trying to unpack.

I've always said I learn lots from Hard Things and I'm hoping this is a nice thick volume.

Wedding Stuff

I can't believe that the 21st is only 3 days away. Everything has fallen into place wonderfully -- beyond what I could have imagined. 

I knew some specifics of what I wanted -- a life together with Neil by my side. The wedding is just one step to get there. I wanted a traditional wedding dress, good food, family and friends. I don't want a tiered wedding cake, reception line, or doing things just because. I especially didn't want cake smashed in my face. I was ok with some kind of tablecloth and the "fancy" clear plastic plates so that people weren't doing dishes forever afterwards. Enter in "more than I could have imagined" my sister-in-laws family being amazing at decorating and making things beautiful.  I walked into Heather's front room and she had a table set with beautiful china and my heart went pitter patter a little inside. In just talking to them they were able to pull together a gorgeous table. Things have been falling into place like that everywhere, down to being able to get the church on short notice, the Bishop not being busy, and the list goes on. 

The fact that every part of this wedding is being pulled together by people who have seen me through some really ugly times and cheered me on, picked me up, or came down into my chaos to help me find my way out means so much to me. Every part means something special.  I can't wait to see it all pulled together and then be able to share it with all of you. 

So here I sit tonight all sappy and grateful my mascara doesn't run easily because I'm confident that I will be a mess on Friday. 

Here is a teaser photo of what I've been working on.