I don't get a break, do I?

I'm thinking one of my categories up top should be "life is hard"  I find that my life can easily become a series of waiting for the next step because certainly at the next step there will be a break.  Time to catch my breath, a period of time when perhaps things are easy.  That's the way it's suppose work -- on my timeline.

I don't see a break coming.  Milestones have passed that I've anxiously awaited because after X then Y.  I really, really think Y would be great but X has come and gone with no sight of Y in sight.  Apparently life isn't quite like an algebra equation or the alphabet.  It's not a long straight highway either, my road is mostly dirt and rocks with what might be two tire tracks surrounded by some beautiful scenery.

In the past when I've struggled with something there comes a point where I stop and think "what am I suppose to learn?"  Sometimes it's been a person that our personalities clash and they just grate on that very last nerve even when they aren't around but when I stop and let go of the power I'm giving them over my life and look at what they can teach me or add into my life the irritation and struggle fall away into remember when land.

I don't know what I'm suppose to be learning right now or if there is even anything but I wish whatever it is would fall away into "remember when"  Looking back I can see that times of struggle have been when I've grown stronger it's just hard to see when you are in the middle of struggling with an unknown and it never eases up to give some recuperation time.

I do know, with all of my everything, that things are better now than they use to be.  I am stronger now than I use to be.  I believe more in me than I use to.  I hope I have the strength and endurance to follow this through to the end -- not knowing what the end will be but certain that after the end something else will come along that I wasn't expecting to challenge me in different ways.  I wish that somewhere along this journey I find someone to travel it with me.  Much like filling a position in ICU though, waiting for the right person with the right skill set, background and knowledge is important.  No one is better than the wrong one.

Loneliest Day of the Week

I typically work every other weekend. Weekends I don't work are the weekends the kids are with me and they go with their Dad when I'm working. I cherish the weekends with my kids and not having to worry about who needs to be where when and do the kids have everything they need for where they need to be. We don't often go on amazing outtings and more often than not those weekends are filled with chores, netflix, maybe hot chocolate and popcorn. Perfect. Weekends they are with their Dad I work. I'm not home alone rattling around and it is easy to stay busy and engaged in work. There are a few downsides to the system, but over all it works well. {biggest downside is I very rarely have a Friday or Saturday off without the kids if I want to go do something and I value my time with them enough that I rarely leave them to go do something on my own but it's not like I have the opportunity to go out often so it's not a big deal)

Then it's a Sunday night and I end up on call.  It's raining/freezing raining/snowing so I can't go for a long wandering walk and I have things that need to be done, but there is something about a Sunday night with an empty house that lets lonely in so intense that I feel it inside my chest.

I'll find something soul warming on Netflix for company and sit down with a couple of baskets of laundry while listening to the dishwasher in the background and count down the time until after school tomorrow when the house will be filled with homework, hungry kids, and happy.