Alone.

I don't know how many times since Paul and I separated and especially the last year I've wondered why I have to go through this alone. What "this" is has varied from spring cleaning to shouldering major trials. Today I realized I'm not who I use to be. 

Over the last few years I've discovered my individual worth, uncovered strength buried so deep it was virtually impossible to find and been humbled far beyond what was comfortable. I've made mistakes and stood strong when I felt like crumbling. I've crumbled and had help picking up the pieces.  I'm not through this yet and have started to wondered if there is such a thing and being done with a trial. 

I have grown in ways I never imagined possible. I've learned that sometimes I need thee every hour isn't often enough. Prayer can get one through anything. Faith can do more than move mountains, it can give hope in the middle of the darkest night. A well timed phone call is better than the strongest medicine and true friends are priceless. 

The old me could say those things but the new me believes them with every breath I take. 

I do get weary dealing with life alone, but alone is what has forced me to grow and for that I am deeply grateful.  I've had to deal with this alone so I can become the me I'm meant to be. 

If at some point there are lessons for me to learn not being alone I would be okay with that too, this path is often lonely. 

I don't know how you do it

It's one of those catch phrases that has bugged me for a long time. When Michael was a baby and very ill I took him from Beaver to Orem for therapy to teach him how to eat again. Once a week for over a year -- yeah, I'd not heard of Early Intervention at that point and in hindsight we needed the ST we had. Twice a month we went to the FUN clinic at PCMC. They knew us personally at Ronald McDonald House and Charlet thought the Rainbow Cafe was fine dining.

"I don't know how you do it, I don't think I could"

Really?  I don't want to do it but it beats watching my infant starve to death {yes literally}. I occasionally wondered what not doing it would look like, my life was exhausting. 

Going back to school with kids, being a single Mom during softball season, working NOC shift. The list goes on of things that people don't know how I do it. 

I look at people in situations where they have no choice but to do it and instead of wondering how they do it I pray for them to have the strength and endurance to do what they have to do the best they can.   I know there are people out there fighting their own battles privately and I hope they have the support system they need. 

Yes, I did tell one lady that I was thinking of not doing it, but was first trying to decide if I could deal with the consequence of my baby dying because he didn't know how to eat. It wasn't my finest moment, I did manage to walk away when she said he will eat if he gets hungry. 

Maybe that was the beginning of my using sarcasm as a coping mechanism.