I'm not exactly faking it, but I have been trying to keep busy to keep everything 'okay'. It works, but the level of busy it requires is exhausting to maintain. Then there are the days that it requires busy level impossible. That's been my last week - ten days.
I don't like not being 'okay'. I'm not even certain what people mean by okay, or what my personal definition is but I like it and I hate it when it's gone.
One thing I realized today is that there are ways to be okay other than being busy. The screens for the rental were at cabin so I made a trip over today to grab them and the girls wanted to stay with their cousins and I got to make the trip up the canyon alone.
I dumped an emotional bag of stress as I crossed The Bridge and pretty soon everything was okay.
Butterflies danced on the wild flowers.
I could hear the creek, smell the trees, and breath in the crisp air.
Then I had to come home where reality waits for me with a daunting list. I want to give in, throw in the towel, run away, hide under the covers forever.
I can't "can't" because the stakes are too high and I'm too stubborn to give in. Hmmm, stubborn. One of those negative connotation words that has a lot of good in it too.
Maybe my 'endure to the end' is carefully disguised as stubbornness.
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