Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I wish I had their life

Long ago and not so far away I remember thinking "I wish I had her life". Things that I was specifically struggling with she was not and I didn't know anyone who didn't enjoy being around her. As I got to know more people here there were more people who could fill in the blank.

A few of those people I've gotten to know better and now call them friends. I enjoy being around them as much as ever but now I know they aren't happy and fun to be around because they have an easy life, they are fun to be around because that is who they are inside, regardless of the trials they were {still are for some}

I wonder how does one find the balance of a smile and best foot forward in times of trial without stuffing all of the emotions and details that must be worked through.

When it doesn't seem to make a difference how do I get up each day? Laundry? Does it ever really matter?

Life is feeling too much like a checklist of very important things that must be done while my mind is always elsewhere.

It is as if life has required amount of worry that is required for each trial. Forget about a test? Required to worry until it is graded and posted at worry level 2. Tests, forgotten and otherwise (except for the NCLEX) have never worried me much though. Serious illness of a loved one? 2 weeks at worry level 8 then a month at worry level 2, to be repeated with each illness flare. Trials in the past that I felt stuck on until there was some kind of resolution dependent on others I have moved past without the resolution or any solid answers

I don't know how much more of my now I can control {change the things you can, accept the rest} and I know that there are things right now that I will not ever accept. Ever. I know I can't change them either. Worry level unmeasurable, length of time undetermined.

I don't know how to improve my perspective right now. How can I be the person I want to be?

{Heather}

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